This will likely be my last post on this matter for a while unless something else comes up.

As I write this, there is a very thought-provoking back-and-forth going on at Brandon’s website.  I encourage you to go over there and chip in.  Regardless of your opinions on the gay-marriage issue, I think you should contribute.

That being said, I have not been swayed by anyone who rejoiced in the passing of Proposition 8.  I still think that anyone who voted for it needs a fucking tolerance enema.

I am for the legalization of gay marriage.  I think the revocation of this right in California is an abomination, and shame on all of you who voted for Prop 8.  Looking at the voting numbers for California is what initially got me riled up.  While a 60+ percent of Californians voted for Obama, only half of them voted against Prop 8.  Religious values (as well as values held by the African American and Latino community) were a huge contributing factor in this.  Indeed, religion was a huge factor in this, but so were cultural sentiments held by minority voters.  And for this, I tell the African American, Latino, Asian communities: Stop it.  You know what it feels like to be a minority in this country, and your conscious decision to push for the revocation of rights of another minority group is shameful.  Get your heads checked.

So far, the strongest argument in favor of the banning of gay marriage that I have heard at Brandon’s site was that marriage has historically (for “eons” I believe was the term was) been an institution nearly every society has defined as the union of man and woman.  Nothing else.  I agree.  For the entirety of history, this has been the definition of marriage.  As a social contract, I see how marriage is something that benefits society.  And I am all for that.  But society has never told someone that they HAVE to be married so as to protect the basis of a society.  If the union of a man and woman were such a significant brick in the foundation of our society, why then has the government not FORCED unions?  Because that would be absurd.  Would it be a travesty if the concept of the man/woman union became an issue when a man and woman who refused to get married cohabitated and even made and raised babies?  Yes it would.  If the government  and society as a whole strictly defined the “family” as a legally bound man and woman who choose to have children, there would be an uproar.  There would be a lot of kids with single moms and single dads, a lot of kids with moms and dads who lived together but weren’t married, a lot of kids who lived with aunts and uncles and grandparents who didn’t live in what was defined as a family.  The government has no business telling people what marriage is in order to preserve an “eons” old tradition.  Just the same, the government has no right to tell the people (the people who allow the government to exist, by the way) that they cannot redefine what a union is.

And the following notion is also absurd:

Marriage of same-sex couples, which will ultimately lead to family building, will infringe on the full, healthy development of a child.  As long as the lesbians or gay men who raise the child do so with the best interest of the child in mind, the child will grow up to be normal.  And what about heterosexual parents who eventually learned that their child had come out of the closet?  Does that mean that for some reason the traditional “eons” old marriage they participated in was a failure?  Did they do something wrong?  Did something in the way they raised their kid turn their kid into a homosexual?  Of course not.  They just had a gay kid.  For the homosexuals who want to be married, I think they should be able to do it.  And I think they should be able to adopt or even get a kid through old-school bumping’ ugly means.  And if for some reason that gay couple turns their back on a child when he or she decides he or she is not gay (and I don‘t really think this would happen), then shame on them.

Gay marriage will not corrupt society’s “eons” old definition of straight marriage.  Married gay couples will simply join the ranks of heterosexual married couples who contribute to society and raise decent children just as much as there will be married gay couples who are a bane on society and who raise shitty kids.

Nevertheless, marriage will maintain its strength as a building block of society.  Bob and Joe getting married will in no way diminish the significance or importance of John and Jane getting married.  And when Joe and Bob move in next door to John and Jane, their respective kids will likely do what kids do: be kids.  Bob and Joe’s kid will not spread gay or straight ideals to John and Jane’s kid, and the reverse will not happen either.  The kids will be kids.  And when they get older, they will make their own decisions on how they want to raise a family.  Good for them.  Hopefully, they will raise good families themselves, be they a family with gay parents or straight parents.  Maybe they won’t even want to get married.  Maybe they won’t even want to have kids.  Nevertheless, society will continue.  There will still be “traditional families” and, hopefully, a new kind of family.

And if my argument leads you to believe I am a liberal, then you have another thing coming.  I most certainly not.  I am a “moderate” if I have to be pigeonholed.  I have said this before and I will say it again, I have both liberal and conservative tendencies.  For the sake of full disclosure, here are my sentiments on some of the other issues out there:

ABORTION: I am pro-choice.  But if you use the “my body, my choice” as a justification because you were just too stupid to use a condom or birth control, then you are a shitty person.  Maybe you should consider dealing with it.  Maybe a gay couple will take it off your hands.  Then again, if you and your baby daddy are unable to care for the child in question and have considered all other options, by all means, suck that little clump of cells out of your abdomen.  There are already too many people on this planet.  Still, I don’t think society has the right to infringe its will on a female’s body.  You start telling women they can’t dump their little fetus, even if it isn’t for medical reasons, then you set a precedent for government control over the body of a woman.  What’s next?  Female circumcision?

SPREADING THE WEALTH: I think this is an absolutely ridiculous notion, and I truly do think it stinks of socialism.  I think there needs to be a set percentage based tax.  Joe Millionaire should have to pay the same tax percentage as Joe the Burger Slinger.  It’s just fair.  Sorry if you weren’t born into wealth, but I don’t think someone who has been born into wealth owes you shit.

GOING GREEN/OFFSHORE DRILLING:  I am still not sold on man’s culpability when it comes to the destruction of the environment.  It may just be a global cycle.  Then again, we could be absolutely fucking up our little mud ball.  What it really boils down to is that I don’t care.  Yes, I am apathetic to this issue.  That is my choice.  CHOICE.  So, if you want to reduce carbon emissions, I applaud you.  If you want to drill offshore and perpetuate our reliance on fossil fuels, go for it.  Not my battle, and as much heat as I may get for saying this, not my concern.

RACIAL PROFILING/WIRE-TAPPING/PATRIOT ACT:  I do think the world has changed.  I am a student of Islamic Studies, and as fascinated as I am with ancient and modern Middle East, it is an absolute truth that Islam, at its core, is for more Islam.  It is the nature of the religion.  It is, at it’s core, a peaceful religion and, quite frankly, the most rational of the Abrahamic religions, but it is also one that PROMOTES the destruction (by any means) any force that stands in its way.  That being said, I truly do believe there are radical Muslims who do wish to see what they perceive to be a Crusading Western power destroyed.  And I do think that many of these parties will use any means possible to do this.  I think this is a threat that was 50+ years in the making (read: America’s support for Israel) and that will continue for another century.  So, if you need to profile me or wiretap me, I don’t care.  I am not doing anything wrong, and when you hear me talking to friends on the phone about fisting, I hope you don’t vomit.  Sorry folks, the times have changed, and I wish some people would realize this.

MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION: I am for the legalization (and taxation) of marijuana.  I never liked pot, but I have friends who would much rather smoke a bowl than have a drink.  It’s a harmless drug, and I think we need to decriminalize/legalize it.  That being said, CURRENTLY it is still illegal, and until it is made legal, I think anyone caught partaking/possessing/distributing the drug should be held fully accountable.

I am not liberal nor am I conservative.  I have varying opinions on hot issues oft debated by both sides, but I refuse to bind myself to either side.  I am not a Republican, not am I a Democrat.  I believe our two-party system is hindering America.  I am happy Obama got elected, but I would not have shed a tear if McCain got the office because I don’t think he would have brought a third Bush term (and for all of you nutty liberals out there who bought that shit, get your head checked).

But I do stand firm on the CIVIL RIGHTS issue associated with gay marriage.  Any of those other issues I just mentioned can yield reasonable and well-justified viewpoints from either side.  I think they are issues that should be argued back and forth because I think they are open-ended and I think silencing any sides viewpoints on them would be flat-out wrong.

Gay marriage is not an issue that I think needs to be argued.  I think it is a clear-cut case of discrimination, and I support the passing of a NATION-WIDE legalization of gay marriage.

Constitutionally, I believe homosexual marriage should be a guaranteed right.  And it should be something that is granted and then left granted - not granted and then voted on again.

So, bring it on.  Give them their rights.  Give them the ability to share in the same tax benefits, medical/insurance rights and family-building rights all of us heterosexuals can enjoy and take advantage of.

And I doubt that I have offered the same well-orated stance on the issue that Brandon has, but I felt the need to at least fully disclose how I feel about this issue.  I am better at being funny than being serious, I guess.  I hope what I said, though, impacts someone.  And as Brandon said in his post, if there is a time in Virginia when gay marriage prompts marching and hollering, I will be right there fighting for the rights of my fellow PEOPLE.

Again, not a political blog.  This site is for me to post my daily musings on videogames, movies, updates on my book, pulp fiction, retards, etc.  This site is a tribute to me, what I like, why I think I am awesome and why I think jokes about the elderly are funny.

Again, not a political blog.  And I don’t want to go there.  Much.

But my post yesterday did seem to stir up some conversation with a few of my readers.  Every comment attributed to my rant was insightful and motivating.  Good job, readers.

Brandon and I stood outside last night, chain-smoking and discussing Prop 8 and what it really means, not just to the gay community, but to our country as a whole.  This shameless CA constitutional mandate is, in my opinion, the spark to ignite a new civil rights movement.

So, I will have a few more posts in me about this.  I was pretty heated when I wrote the Prop 8 post yesterday, and believe me, I generally stay away from politics or social issues, because most of the time I just don’t care.  Not on this issue, though.  I have something I plan to post about this, but I will have to actually sit down outside of work and post it.  Stay tuned, I think this may be one of the first and only times you will see me outwardly socially conscious.

Anyways, stay tuned.  I want to know if there is anyone who would be willing to help actively address this issue, not just in Cali, not just here in VA but in the U.S.

—–

EDIT: Brandon has written a well-worded, insightful bit on his site: Milestones, Political Apathy, Prop 8

EDIT 2: There is an awesome discussion going on at Brandon’s blog on this issue.  Go check it.

My site is not a political blog but any stretch of the imagination.  But I do need to ask:

Proposition 8?  Really, California?  Really?

How the fuck did Prop 8 get passed in California?  California, the state where San Francisco, America’s gay Mecca, is located?  Again, WHAT THE FUCK?  Really?

First, here is some straight talk (pun intended):

It’s no secret that I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, who for years found pleasure in other people’s suffering.  As miserable as I was, I found great satisfaction when others were miserable too.  So when the subject of gay marriage was brought up, I would denounce it and make outrageous claims that gay marriage would lead to gay adoption and that this would in turn adversely affect the children of gay parents who did not have strong male and female role models.  I know, it is fucked up, and to be honest, I did not necessarily feel this way.  But it was something that I did say because I knew that it promoted intolerance and it satisfied my desire to be a raging prick.  I am not proud of this, and while this particular crusade of mine was short-lived, I wish I could take that back.

But I certainly don’t feel like that now, and anyone who can honestly claim this sort of mentality as their own, is in my opinion, a bigot and an asshole.

I am neither a Republican nor a Democrat.  Certainly, I have grown progressively more liberal in much of my thinking, but I still hold certain conservative viewpoints.  One of these, however, is not the subject of gay marriage.

Not to sound like “that guy,” but some of my very closest friends and family members are gay.  And sometimes I feel truly ashamed that, for a brief time period in my life, I dehumanized them by promoting the notion that their lifestyle did not warrant the same rights that I have and take advantage of.

So, now the election is over and everyone who voted for a Presidential candidate is either shouting happy things or angry things depending on their particular vote.  But there is a lot to be pissed about.  And by that, I am speaking about Prop 8.

Again, WHAT THE FUCK?!  I can’t for the life of me think of any reasonable argument why two PEOPLE should not be allowed to get married.  I am baffled by this whole “sanctity of marriage” and “traditional definition of marriage” shit.

To me, this matter is far more relevant than any racial equality issues we are facing in this country.  I honestly believe that there needs to be a giant Gay Civil Rights Movement and a gay MLK-like figure.  There needs to be a fucking upheaval, because this is just ridiculous.  If there is, I haven’t heard of it.  Then again it might be happening as I write this - I am a bit isolated from the outside world now.

Even when I was watching the Obama/McCain debates, both candidates announced their personal opposition to homosexual marriage.  Why?  How would that in any way affect anyone?  I think we are all reasonable enough to understand that homosexuality is not contagious.  If it were, my hometown of Fredericksburg, VA, a heavily homosexual region of the Mid-Atlantic, would not have a single straight person.

I know I am asking the same questions anyone else who is ashamed of Prop 8 passing would be asking, but it warrants repeating:

WHAT THE FUCK?

Seriously, I would love to know of any REASONABLE argument.  Even if I don’t agree with it, I would still like to hear one.  Is there one out there?

And now for my sophomoric ranting conclusion:

Fuck you and your ridiculous religion.  Fuck you and your “traditional” ideals.  Fuck you and your homophobia.  Fuck all of you who vote for Prop 8 and for anyone who still supports the barring of gay rights.  Fuck all of you, you fucking bigoted fucks.  “But I voted for Obama!”  Fuck you.  You voted for a minority but possibly voted against another.  You are still a bigoted asshole.

I will now return to my regularly scheduled programming…

- David C. Garcia

About a week ago, I sat at work and decided I needed something to write about - something absurd.  I went ahead and chose Joe The Plumber.  In the same vein as my posts about Michael Phelps and Carl the Retard, I decided I would write a one or two part series of immature jabs about that flavor of the month, Joe the Plumber.  My original goal was to just make outrageous claims about Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, the man McCain dragged into the spotlight and used as a bargaining tool for votes, and have something my tens of readers could chuckle at.

That’s not how it turned out though, is it?  I ended up writing a six-part fiction piece about a completely non-existent plumber named Joe Theodore Cleveland.  In the end, the story was absurd and graphic and a bit disturbing.  In fact, the story was more like an insane tribute to violence and bad taste than a light-hearted jab at the real-life Joe the Plumber.

Let me say this before continuing.  Please go read the Joe The Plumber is an Asshole series starting with EPISODE 1.  I think you may actually find it a bit enjoyable.  It is certainly a juvenile piece with a lot of inconsistencies (read: not as well written as I wanted), but overall it is funny.  Go do that.

The reason there are inconsistencies is because by the time I got to EPISODE 2 of Joe The Plumber is an Asshole, I found myself writing about a completely fictionalized sociopath, and not the media joke that is the real Samuel J. Wurzelbacher as was my original plan.  That’s the blessing, and I guess curse, of writing.  Sometimes the writing takes control of you, rather than the way you think it should be.  So as I wrote the remaining episodes, I found that I was trying to tie up loose ends to make sure the new Joe The Plumber story would kind of make sense in the end.  And I think it did, ending in true David C. Garcia form with a load of bodily function quips and retard jokes.  Hey, what can I say?

Anyways, this weekend as I worked on EPISODES 3 and 4, I stared thinking to myself, “You know what, David, you beautiful creature you, you are actually writing pulp.”

And that was it.  I decided I actually had a nice little fictional escape I could delve into on the side.  Normally, I take off the weekend from writing THE BOOK as it puts a huge emotional strain on me.  But I still want to write.  I have Sunday evenings to work on TSAT, but there is still a lot more writing I want to do.  So at that realization, I decided that this is what I am going to do:

I am starting a new section in my blog dedicated to pulp/flash fiction.  I will work on this during the weekends and maybe during the weekdays in between book sections (i.e.: while at work and when Meggie is watching her TV shows).  My plan is to write graphic pieces of fiction, maybe detective-type stories or shambling thrillers.  I don’t know.  I wanted to finish the Joe The Plumber is an Asshole series before I dove into this, but now that that is finished, I have a new writing project I can dedicate myself to.

What do you think, dear reader?  Will you follow along?  Do you think this is a good idea?  Have you read the freakin’ Joe The Plumber is an Asshole series yet?  There are a lot of questions you need to answer.  Give me your input!  I need validation!

Either way, that is what I plan to do.  The pieces will be entered in as content of the regular blog, but I plan to start a new page on the site right next to the ABOUT, TSAT ARCHIVE and BOOK PROGRESS page links.  I’ll keep all of the links to the content archived there and in order.

One last thing:  The cool thing about this is that each story I write will be a self-contained unit, but there will be common characters who appear in different pieces.  That way, if there are unanswered questions about one person, you may be able to find out information about them in other pieces.  Pretty cool, huh?

- David C. Garcia

Good job on being America, America.  You really made a difference, or something.  You voted (or not) and now we have a new president.

TSAT covered the election last night, breaking new ground all over your face.  For those who participated, we thank you.   If you would like to read the most factual, fair and balanced election coverage ever splattered across the Interwebs, go here:

TSAT LIVE ELECTION COVERAGE

Go to www.thesestoriesaretrue.com and ask your questions, give your comments.

Continued from Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 5

Timothy Mason realized he was facing a nightmare.  A giving kind of guy, Tim had called on the services of the nice retarded man known only as Joe The Plumber to the townspeople (and Joe himself).  As Joe assessed the malfunctioning septic system in Tim’s backyard, he ate a Pudding Pop.  Joe accidentally deep throated the Pudding Pop too far and his gag reflex kicked in.  His eyes squinted, his forehead scrunched up.

That face.  That was the face Joe Theodore Cleveland had made when he vomited on him.  But how could that be Joe Cleveland?  That monster of a human being was genius.  Joe The Plumber was a mentally challenged handyman.

Tim grabbed his lawn shears and ran at Joe.  “You Motherfucker!”

“Hi Mr. Tim.  What are you doing?”

“Get off my property you maniac.  I don’t know how you fooled everyone.  You are not a retard, you are a monster!”

Tim swung the shears at Joe’s bald head.  Joe dodged and ran.

Joe ran.  He ran so far away.  Joe ran until, as Joe would put it, he “had a belly ache in his legs.”  But Tim vowed to find Joe and to repay him in full for the vile nightmare he had been put through.
——————-

PRESENT DAY

Sarah Palin came to speak in my town.  I’m not a Republican or a Democrat, but I know a MILF when I see one, and Sarah Palin is a MILF.  I had spent a fair amount of time searching the Interwebs for the Nailin’ Pailin video.  Unfortunately, no such video could ever be found.

All I know was that Sarah Palin looked more like a piece of meat to me than a prospective candidate.  So I wanted to see this moose-hunting whore.  It wasn’t even an erotic adventure anymore.  I just wanted to see this idiot live.

So when Sarah Palin came to Fredericksburg, VA on that rainy day just weeks before the election, I made sure to get there early.  What a sad group of people.  Palin’s fans waited eagerly in the crowd for the appearance of the prospective VP.

I stood there, watching people across the street holding up signs that said “Drill Baby, Drill!”  I imagined the name of another Sarah Palin porn.

Then I got bumped into by a tall, stoic-looking man. 

“I’m sorry sir.”  His voice was just as placid as his face.

“That’s okay.  Nice day for a rally, huh?”

“I’m not here to watch that retarded bitch get this crowd riled up.  I’m here for Joe The Plumber.”

“Joe The Plumber?  That guy who has been on TV with McCain?”

“Actually, no.  It’s another Joe The Plumber.  That’s the name he goes by.”

And Tim gave me the whole story, right from the beginning.  He had been able to get all the gritty details of Joe Cleveland’s life leading up to the day of “The Accident” and the medical records secured by the well-paid private detective confirmed it all.  Joe The Plumber was Joseph Theodore Cleveland.  Or at least the shell of the old monster.

Tim had spent years following Joe.  When he found out that Joe thought McCain had been talking about him when he was touting an Ohio “Joe The Plumber,” Joe started following the candidates around the U.S.

But today, Joe The Plumber had come to Fredericksburg, VA.  He liked Sarah Palin because he thought she was a pretty woman and also liked that she had a baby, as Joe would say, “Just like me.”

You see, Reader?  I told you I would explain everything.  I was not speaking about Samuel J. Wurzelbacher (aka Joe The Plumber).  I was talking about a McCain and Palin obsessed retard who was once a bad seed.  Dang!

So I stood in the rain until the shit went down.  Literally.  As Tim looked around, I smelled something.  It smelled like septic tank and dirty plunger.

“Do you smell that?”  Tim kind of sounded like Rambo.

“Yeah.  It’s gross.”

“That’s him.  He’s getting closer….”  Tim pulled out a sharp knife.  “It’s time for that monster to pay.  But not even his spilling blood will make up for the years of therapy.”

And then it happened.  Joe appeared from the crowd.  He saw Tim.  Tim saw him.  They looked at each other.

“Oh how the mighty have fallen, haven’t they…Joseph…Theodore…Cleveland?”

Then Joe shit his pants.  He knew he was in big trouble.  It was disgusting.  It smelled like a dead bison packed with feta and sulfur.  The smell hit me, paralyzing me where I stood.  Tim was then hit and projectile vomited.  But guess what?

I WAS IN THE FUCKING WAY!

Tim’s stomach juices splattered on my face.

This amused Joe.  Old habits die hard.  Joe The Plumber stuck his finger down his throat and projectile vomited all over me too.  That vomit hit my shirt.  He giggled and then announced, “This is fun.”  I stood there for a few moments and then dropped to my knees.  It burned.  Joe’s vomit actually burned more than stomach acid should.  I ripped off my shirt and let the rain wash off the vomit that had seeped through.

But Joe had more.  He shoved his finger down his throat again and the puke flew at Tim’s face.

“AAAAAAAAGGGGHHGGHHHH!!”  Tim shrieked and then started gagging.  *Gag!* *Gag!* .  “I can’t breath.”

Some of Joe’s vomit had ended up in Tim’s mouth.

“Ha ha ha Tim!  You smell like my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

You guessed it.  Peanuts.

—–

I left after gathering my bearings.  Tim had been owned again.  I have no idea if that bitch died.  I don’t care.

I am pissed at Joe.  I don’t care if he is a retard or not.  That motherfucker ruined my nose and then puked on me.  Tim had puked on me as well, but this was all Joe’s fault.

If Joe hadn’t puked on Tim in the second grade, none of this would have happened.

Joe The Plumber is An Asshole.

FIN!

Make sure to check out www.thesestoriesaretrue.com for the live election coverage this evening.  8:00 PM EST, bitches.

For weeks, Meggie had been all nauseous and tired.  At first I thought it was just a product of overexposure to all my jokes about boobs and poop and balls and the homeless.  Hey, not everyone can take a joke.

But last week Meggie decided that maybe her nausea was caused by an influx of girlie hormones and not my recent joke about the homeless guy’s balls.  She went ahead and peed on a stick and BAM!

We were overcome with joy.  It was the first time a mathematics symbol (+) brought me any sort of joy.  Meggie and David had made a baby.  Who woulda’ thunk it?  David: Creator of Life.  That’s right, I am mad potent ya’ll.

Here’s how I imagined it all happening:

Yada yada yada, birds and the bees. Whatever.  My little guys, The Imperial Army of Mexcalibur, were deployed on a mission to dominate a helpless village of Meggie’s eggs.  In fact, when they arrived at their destination, they decided to pillage each and every egg.  Now I totally understand biology, but no stupid thing like biology was going to hold The Imperial Army of Mexcalibur back.  Those brave little guys actually kidnapped all non-matured eggs, spent some time raising them and then BOOM!  Conquered them with unrepentant ferocity!

So for a few moments, Meggie and I actually had like a thousand kids.  Pretty sweet, huh? 

But there could be only one!

There was a series of brutal battles, and in the end, only the most Heavy Metal, beef-eating, Louisiana Hot Sauce swilling zygote remained.  It laid waste to all of the other brave zygote who, as valiantly as they fought, could not stand up to the one true king.  The King of Meggie’s Uterus, Son of Mexcalibur!

On a serious note.  I am so happy.  I cannot begin to express how wonderful this all feels.  It’s actually something I don’t think can be put into words (and I have a lot of words).

I feel so bad for Meggie.  She has been feeling really bad.  Leave it to me to start something and then leave Meggie to deal with the rest.  I mean, I have been doing all the cooking and cleaning so she can make frequent trips to the bathroom, but I don’t have to deal with surges of hormones and an expanding uterus.

I had been hesitant to say anything to anyone, save for family and some very close friends (Amy, you can go ahead and talk about it now.  Brandon, the kid will not be named Brandon Jr.).  But today, Meggie and I went to the woman parts doctors, they did some tests and finally gave me a picture of my little guy (Again, I understand biology, but if it’s anything like it’s dad, he has broken all of the rules already and decided to be a boy before it is scientifically allowed).

Right now, he is called Nugget.  Nugget is about the size of a pea.  Here’s a close-up.  The doc/midwife/nurse (I think her name is Kathy, nice lady) used two little “x” to mark the top and bottom of Nugget, and the picture here is actually a picture of a picture.  Here’s a picture of Nugget close-up.  He’s in the red circle:

Nothing else to say for now.  I’m going to go watch TV with Meggie and Nugget.

- David C. Garcia

Continued from Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 4

The nurse ran from the hospital room.  It was Joe making her run.

“Doctor!  Somebody get a doctor!  He’s awake!  He finally woke up!”

Joseph Theodore Cleveland hadindeed woken up.  Only he didn’t know from what.  Joe didn’t know much of anything.  Even his name.  Joe had been hospitalized since the severe beating at the Southern Arizona bar two years earlier.  He carried no identification.  When he had gone on the lam after the [COURT RECORDS SEALED] of Mrs. Hendrickson, he dropped any IDs that would link him to his past and left no forwarding address for anyone.  Joe was a shadow.

Now he was even more of a shadow.   He was a shadow to himself.  Joe had no idea who he was, where he was from or what he was doing in the hospital.

A doctor ran into the room, the nurse following close behind.

“See!  He finally woke up!  The Plumber is awake!”

“Settle down..Um..What’s your name, nurse?”  The doctor was a prick, someone Joe Cleveland probably would have liked.

“Really?  I’ve been working here for two years!  My name is…”  Nurse was cut off.

“Quiet down nurse, I’m attending to a patient.”  The doctor shined a pen light in Joe’s eyes.  They were still black, but they did not have that cold, vacant stare.  They were curious - fascinated like a child.

Joe had been reborn…

Actually, Joe had just been dumbed down.  The severe beating he took drastically damaged his brain.  Joe, who was previously a wandering maniac with an undeserved intellect, was now just (sorry) An Average Joe.

The doctor examining him kept referring to him as “Joe The Plumber” or just “The Plumber.”

“Where am I?”  Joe whispered at the doctor.  His voice was not as sharp as it used to be.  It was slow, serene.  Kind of child-like.

“Well, Joe.  You’re in the hospital.  It’s a miracle you are alive, actually.”

The doctor went on to explain that when the paramedics had removed Joe from the toilet bowl, he was clinically dead from drowning.  He had been resuscitated but had, unfortunately, suffered some brain damage from being submerged.  Not to mention the deadly beating he had taken.  Joe had undergone surgery, and several pieces of his brain that had been skewered by skull fragments had been removed.

Joe didn’t seem to follow.

“You’re never going to be the same, Joe.”  The doctor checked Joe’s pulse.  “I mean, physically, you are fine.  Well, with the exception of, you know, the severe brain damage you suffered.”

“So, what do I do?”

“I’m not sure son.  Do you have any family?”  The doctor waited for a response.  “Oh, yeah.  Bad question.  You don’t know.”

“Yeah.”  Joe whispered.  “I don’t know anything about me.”

“The guys at the bar you were doing work at only knew you as ‘Joe’ and said you were their plumber.  Apparently, you also have a severe drinking problem.  You may not remember your compulsion to drink, but it’s probably still there.  When we set you free, we’ll give you some information on local support programs.”

“What am I going to do when I leave doc?”

“Well, maybe you can do some plumbing.  I wonder if plumbing is kind of like riding a bike.”

Joe just stated at the doctor.  He didn’t get the analogy.

“What do you think, son?  Plumbing?  I think the guys at the bar said you were from the Midwest.  If there was ever a shithole that needed some de-clogging, the Midwest is it.”

Still staring.  “The Midwest?  A Plumber?”  Joe tried hard to make his brains work.  “Okay.  I am going to be a plumber.  I’m Joe The Plumber.”

——

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, Reader?  Not as ridiculous as your face.

But life is ridiculous, and sometimes ridiculous things happen.  Joe Theodore Cleveland had been transformed into a bumbling retard, a man with the IQ and curiosity of a 15-year-old.  He was no longer a monster.  He was just Joe.  Joe The Plumber from the Midwest.

And Joe was making his way back home.

—–
 

Joe walked into a small Midwest town.  The town of his birth. 

How did he know it was the town of his birth?

Jesus Christ.  You did so well.  You didn’t ask a fucking question through the last episode, and now you have questions.  Listen, Sillypants, I will fill you in on all the details.  Now shut up and listen.

—–

Anyhoo…
Joe walked into a small Midwest town.  The town of his birth.  His brain was destroyed, his evil gone and his past erased.  But the dumbest of people are like animals.  They just have a sense.

Joe walked past the townspeople.  He seemed to attract attention.  People recognized him, but they didn’t know where they recognized him from.  Joe no longer looked the same.  His curious eyes, once vacant and covered by the front of his mullet, were now visible.  The toilet cleaner had destroyed his hair follicles, and Joe was a bald man.

He walked past a cafe.  A man named Timothy Mason was sitting there sipping his coffee and reading the paper.  Joe’s eyes met Tim’s.

“Hello.  I’m Joe.  Joe The Plumber.”  His voice was monotone but slightly endearing.  Timothy knew that face.  Somehow.  Maybe he was one of the local “special” people who did menial tasks to make the town look pretty, an assistant plumber, perhaps.

“Hi…Joe.  Do I know you from somewhere?”  Tim said this softly and slowly, careful to separate each word so Joe could mentally digest them.

“Maybe!  I’m a plumber.  I’m Joe the plumber.  I think I lived around here one time.”

“Oh…”  Tim swore something looked familiar.  “Well do you have family who lives here, Joe The Plumber?  Do you stay with someone?”

“I think I used to live in a big moving house.”

“Oh.”  It made sense.  A lot of the trailer folks had kids with mental disabilities.  It had something to do with the septic chemicals.  “The trailer park?  Is there where you live?”

“You know,” Joe said happily, “I think that’s it.  I think I live in the trailer park.  Thanks Tim.”

“Not a problem, Joe The Plumber.”

So Joe walked and walked until he wandered into the trailer park.  He looked around, his instincts guiding his curious eyes.  And then he saw it.  It was a moldy looking trailer that had a sign out front.  It said “CONDEMNED.”  It looked like it said “COME IN” to Joe, so he walked right in.

And it was.  It was Joe’s childhood home.  The home Joe used to slither around in, dodging flying beer cans Stiffy threw at him.  Of course, Joe only knew it felt like home.  He had no recollection of his past, nor did he know his stepfather Stiffy who had been arrested on child molestation charges and died behind bars shortly after.

But none of that mattered.  Joe was home.  He was Joe The Plumber, and dagonnit, that was what he was going to do.  He was going to plumber things, whatever that meant.

The next day, the trailer residents awoke to the sounds of a big sign being nailed to the side of the trailer Richard “Stiffy” Johnson used to live in.  A bald, retarded looking man was hammering a sign to the trailer that read “IM JO ANDS I WIL PLUMER 4 U.”

—–

So that is how Joe went from being a psychopath to a mental invalid.  A poorly timed piss, a few knocks to the head and some careful persuasion by a doctor who just wanted a comatose idiot out of his hospital.

So is Joe an asshole, like you’ve been saying?

Okay.  I’ll let that one slide because I was just going to let the next EPISODE explain it.  Evidently, however, you are about as bright as Joe, so you need some immediate insight, don’t you Corky.

Joe is not an asshole like he used to be.  In fact, some would say Joe is just a nice plumber.  A mentally handicapped man who lives in the Midwest.  But Joe is an asshole.  Just a different kind.  And I learned Joe was an asshole just the other day when he managed to make it to Fredericksburg, VA.

TO BE CONTINUED