Here’s the genesis of the most recent TSAT post, WE PITCH HE-ROTIC FICTION.

A few weeks ago, Brandon and I were out getting a burrito from Chipotle.  As do most conversations between us, the topic of discussion, probably something about the fledgling economy, quickly devolved into a back-and-forth about sex and fart jokes.

We were discussing romantic evenings from a guy’s perspective and pretty much decided on what that evening would be.  If you (and you will) read the first excerpt of “He-rotic fiction” mentioned in the essay - the one dealing with a Chipotle burrito, you will pretty much be reading the exact perfect evening Brandon and I decided upon.

So from that little conversation grew the proud oak that is our most recent masterpiece.

And, I am sure most of you are well aware that TSAT essays are nothing but satire, but it warrants repeating:

TSAT ESSAYS ARE SATIRE.

As a precaution, we asked our good friend Amy to be the test audience for our most recent sex-splattered literary creation.  Amy is a hardcore feminist, and she almost crapped her pants laughing at our genius essay.

So go read it.  But before you do that, put a link to These Stories Are True (www.thesestoriesaretrue.com) on your website.  Seriously.

WE PITCH HE-ROTIC FICTION

- David C. Garcia

I am not sure if you all know exactly how much work goes into crafting the each weekly TSAT essay.  Do you know?  No you don’t.  Every week, Brandon and I focus our genius brains as hard as we possibly can, toss all other thoughts aside and delve into the process of creative fact/truth writing.

This week, Brandon and I dove into a concept that spans/blurs interests.  If you are a fan of WW2 history and/or a fan of Super Mario Bros., then you will most certainly love the most recent essay.  It is a factual and brave retelling of the events of World War II as seen through the eyes of Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong and all the rest of those fellas.

Go read it:

EXCERPT FROM A MUSHROOM KINGDOM HISTORY BOOK

Good job on being America, America.  You really made a difference, or something.  You voted (or not) and now we have a new president.

TSAT covered the election last night, breaking new ground all over your face.  For those who participated, we thank you.   If you would like to read the most factual, fair and balanced election coverage ever splattered across the Interwebs, go here:

TSAT LIVE ELECTION COVERAGE

Go to www.thesestoriesaretrue.com and ask your questions, give your comments.

Press Release from the TSAT Compound

ANOUNCEMENT: TSAT TO PROVIDE LIVE (FACTUAL) ELECTION COVERAGE ON NOV. 4

Dear America (and Sweden),
 
We are quickly approaching the most important day we will ever experience in our fat, greedy, self-absorbed lives.  On Tuesday November Fourth (2008 AD) it will be time to get voting.  Unless you are a felon.  In that case, you can’t vote (but you can probably violently persuade someone to vote for you).
 
So, we here at TSAT ask you:
 
Who do ya’ love?
 
Do you like John McCain because he reminds you of your grandpa just before he died?  Do you like him because he is mavericky?  Do you like John McCain because you totally want to bang his running mate, Sarah Palin?
 
Or do you like Barack Obama because he is super black?  Do you like that Biden is white and Obama is black and totally imagine them being a sweet team in a buddy cop movie where the cops are actually presidents and not cops at all?
 
We here at TSAT are totally non-partisan and partisan all at the same time.  We like John McCain and Barack Obama equally and at the same time like one of them better.  We like McCain’s totally wicked yellow-toothed grin and Obama’s awesome hair.  And we want to bang Sarah Palin.
 
So, are you going to “VOTE OR DIE?”  Are you going to “BARACK THE VOTE?”  Are you “RAISING MCCAIN?”
 
These are important questions, because on November 4th, your goddamned fates will be sealed.  You may hear people out there saying things like, “It doesn’t matter who you vote for!  Just vote!”  Well guess what, Nancy?  People like that need to be euthanized (because they are either old or hippies).  It DOES matter who you vote for.  As much as we at TSAT like McCain and Obama (and totally want to see a Sarah Palin porn), we know that only one will be able to save America from some sort of doom.  So choose carefully.  Or, you know, it will be your fault when something horrible happens.
 
But, there is something that is just as important as the election: the election coverage.  Every news broadcaster, be it CNN, FOX, MSNBC or WHATSAMATTA U, has an agenda.  FOX will obviously be making McCain/Palin win, MSNBC will totally be rigging the voting machines for Obama/Biden, and CNN will be doing God knows what because they think they are awesome because Darth Vader voices their commercials.

So what can you do?  What will you do?  No, put down that rifle and step down from the bell tower.  Killing is not the solution (unless you’re aiming for mimes).  Here’s what you can do…Are you ready?..Wait for it…Not yet…No, slow down…We’re almost there…Just a second…YEEEEEEAAAAAHH!
 
That’s right, you can tune in to TSAT’s LIVE COVERAGE of the 2008 Presidential Elections.
 
We not only care who wins but also don’t give a damn.  What we want is for you to be completely slathered in bready buttery facts and pan-fried in truth.
 
Your hosts of Election Truth will be none other than David C. Garcia, Truth Expert, and Brandon J. Carr, Fact Expert.
 
So, on Tuesday November 4th, get to the Interwebs at 8:00 PM (EST) sharp and go to www.thesestoriesaretrue.com for LIVE, full-on coverage of the presidential election.  We’ll show you a side of America you have never seen.
 
Will you be there?  Will you log in and join us for the election coverage, you fundamentally maverick change-seeking plumbers?  SAY IT LOUD AND SAY IT PROUD!  “YES WE WILL!”
 
Awesome.  And remember, this is not about red states or blue states or even about the U.S.A.  It’s about TSAT: Facts We Can Believe In.

Just go read the new TSAT essay about…

Just go read the essay. HERE!

Some TSAT news:

Firstly, go read the most recent masterpiece essay, DAVID NEEDS A BLACK FRIEND.  Along with being hilariously satirical, it is one of the first TSAT essays where there are no semen jokes whatsoever.

Secondly, I have updated my website so there is a TSAT archive.  Pretty smooth, huh?

Thirdly, the These Stories Are True website has undergone a few changes as well.  There is an archive similar to the one at www.davidcgarcia.com.  Along with that, we have started a min-blog on TSAT called “Notes From The Compound.”  It’s on the side.  Check it out.

That’s it.  Good day to you sirs! *SLAMS DOOR*

- David C. Garcia

I know some people were a bit grossed out by last week’s TSAT masterpiece.  This really only strengthened my realization that there is a disconnect between myself and the general public when it comes to what is perceived as “shocking” and what isn’t.  Mr. Carr and I have pitched so many prospective ideas to each other that make the TRUTHBUSTERS essay seem like an episode of SpongeBob Square Pants (where SpongeBob is impaled by a post).

Whatever.  Irrelevant.

This week’s essay is far less “gross” and/or “inappropriate.”  Go read it butt-munches.

WE PITCH A VIDEO GAME

- David C. Garcia

Remember last week I mentioned my intent to go cow-tipping?

Here’s a breakdown of what happened. (WARNING: AWESOME BUT DISTURBING)

Markedly different from last week’s truth bomb, this week’s factual essay will drop-kick your funny bone but not make you feel bad about laughing at other people’s misery… Well except homeless people.  But they aren’t people, anyways.  Go read it, silly pants.

OF ALUMINUM TABS AND VICIOUS CIRCLES