The other day, I was thinking to myself, “You know what would be cool?  A HD first-person shooter that doesn’t take itself too seriously.”

It was like my wishes came true.

If Jeff Spicoli had been involved with Call of Duty 4, it would have been named Battlefield: Bad Company.  Bad Company is an absolutely action-packed/hilarious game.  The premise is this: You are part of an army team made up of America’s least honorable.  You and everyone in your unit violated some sort of military law, and instead of being court-martialed, you and your team are tasked with carrying out some of the most dangerous missions.  You know how one of the selling points of the Grand Theft Auto series is the ability to run around and wreck shop without ever thinking about the mission at hand?  Well, the same rule applies to this game.  In between life-like combat missions, your character can run around blowing anything up.  Anything.  After annihilating a rogue squadron of Russians, for example, I decided to test out my rocket launcher - on an outhouse.  Other shooter-based games wouldn’t even have an outhouse for you blow up.  On top of that, the dialogue between characters is hilarious.  One of the ongoing conversations in the game is whether or not Truckasaurus Rex can beat a Russian tank in a fight.

Not sold yet?  Watch the trailer for the game:

- David C. Garcia

You know what is more annoying than Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton labeling almost every facet of American culture as racist?  Nothing.  However, insane parents completely detached from reality who jump on multi-media as the cause of their bad parenting comes in at a close second.

Apparently, a new game called Frat Party Games: Beer Pong is coming out for the Wii sometime next month.  It’s going to be rated “T” for players aged 13 or older.  The name says it all.  It will give players the opportunity to engage in a virtual replica of a classic drinking game where a triangle of cups, halfway filled with beer are arranged at two ends to the table.  The players take turns tossing a ping-pong ball into their opponent’s glasses.  If they make it, their opponent has to drink the beer.

Here’s an article about it:

Wii Game Brews Controversy (article source)

When it comes to Nintendo Wii, you can find shooting games, sports games, but drinking games?

As it turns out, a new game coming out later this month for the popular gaming system is called “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong”. Using a “Wii-mote,” the game simulates the real drinking game, but it’s been approved for kids as young as 13-years-old.

The game has some people concerned and Carrie Haugan one of them. A mother of two from Brandon, she doesn’t like the idea of a “beer pong” video game especially since it’s rated suitable for ages 13 and up. She said, ”We don’t need to teach kids to drink, you know, get ready for drinking games. They’ll start drinking earlier maybe.”

The game apparently simulates beer pong. Also called beirut, beer pong is a popular drinking game played by college students and at various bars. To play, cups filled with beer are put on opposite sides of a table and each team tries to throw a pingpong ball into a cup. Once the ball lands in that cup the the opposite team has to chug the cup of beer.

The Entertainment Software Rating Board rates video games, like “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong.” They gave it a “T” rating, which means teens can purchase and play the game. The board saw no ties to promoting alcohol within the game. Instead, they say players are just tossing balls in a cup. At the same time, game creator JV Games says their version doesn’t promote drinking, but they’re going to change the name to “Pong Toss.”

Still, parents like Carrie Haugan don’t buy it. She said, “Well, they know it’s a drinking game. It’ll encourage drinking.”

The game is set to be released at end-month. It will be sold in stores across the country.

I understand that parents want to shield their kids from the dangers of the world, but I am really tired of these lunatic moms and dads who seem to think that a video game is going to make their kids do something crazy.  When I was a kid, I played so much Mortal Kombat.  At the time, conservative America was freaking out, fearful that their little kid was going to go out and exact some sort of freakish violence inspired by the videogame.  Not once did I contemplate going out and massacring my enemies with dangerous martial-arts and lethal finishing moves.  I knew that was wrong, so I waited until I was 21.

If your kid is going to drink, he or she is going to drink.  The bartender Moe from The Simpsons is going to be just as influential in this “to drink or not to drink” quandary as a videogame - and even that sort of multi-media influence on your kid’s decision to drink is unlikely.  And if you really are worried about your kid playing this game, then don’t buy it for him, you dolt.  “But what if my kid’s friends have this game?”  Well, maybe try and get to know your kids friends.  Or, you can accept that your kid is going to do some pretty wild things, like play a videogame, when you are not around.  Ultimately, it is your responsibility to try and teach your kids.  This however does not ensure they will do everything you say.  Sorry to say this, ma’am, but whether your or not your little girl plays “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong” is irrelevant.  She is going to end up chugging beers and having sex with hormone crazed guys when she gets to college.

Stop flipping out over videogames.  It’s your responsibility as a parent to inspire your kid, not the videogame console’s responsibility.  I may even get this game, and I am a recovering alcoholic.

- David C. Garcia

Last time I counted, there were about a million games out for the PSP.  A large percentage of the games are horrible, a fair amount are mediocre, there are some really fun games, and then there are some awesome games.

Meggie’s brother, Danny, and I like to discuss video games, often recommending games for various consoles to each other.  A few months ago, Danny let me play Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops.  I played it for a few minutes, and decided it would be a good game to try out.  When I read about it, the reviews are all very positive.  So, I decided to get it.  For some reason, I couldn’t find it anywhere.  It must be really good or invisible, I thought.

I finally got a copy of it on Friday night.  I can safely say it is a PSP classic.  I have only awarded that title to Loco Roco and God of War: Chains of Olympus.  Yes, I am starting my own personal video game awards.  I’m that important.

Here is my rating of the game:

Graphics: A-
Story: A
Gameplay: A

The storyline is amazing.  It is exceptionally original.  It takes a few hours to figure out the complexity of the game, but when you finally do, the payoff is worth it.  Most of the time, I trade my games in when I am done playing.  I plan to keep this one.

What’s up nerds? 

Every once in a while, I have a weekend when I dedicate myself to videogames almost exclusively.  This was one of those weekends.  Here’s a run-down of the video games I immersed myself in this weekend:

Mario Kart (Wii):

This past weekend began and ended with a series of frustrating races that left me with deep resentments.  After investing several hours per week in this game, I figured I had finally perfected my karting skills enough to consider myself a halfway decent Mario Kart Wii player.  Playing as Koopa Trooper in the Standard Kart-S, I usually rank as first or second place.  However, on Friday, my friend Nate challenged Brandon and me to an online race.  Brandon and I assumed we would stomp Nate’s face into the ground, Mario-style.  Unfortunately, this was not the case.  Nate, who must have made a deal with Satan, schooled Brandon and I so hard that we were left completely demoralized.  At one point, Brandon got so upset that he had to ask our ladies if either of them had a fresh maxi-pad he could have.  Last night, I returned to Mario Kart online, hoping that I would wreak havoc on my opponents.  Again, I was destroyed by half the players, most of whom happened to be Japanese.  I am now terrified to play against anyone online and even more terrified of the Japanese.

Ninety-nine Nights (XBOX 360):

When I first picked up Ninety-Nine Nights or N3, the nerd at GameStop told me that the game was “hack and slash” game that had appealed to many of his dork friends.  When it comes to videogames, I often trust the word of the nerd.  I also enjoy games that involve “hacking” and “slashing.”  So after letting the game collect dust for a week, I decided to give it a shot.  Indeed, there was “hacking” and “slashing,” but that seemed to be all that there was to the game.  Visually, it was a very tight game, but I can only chop up hordes of goblins so many times before I get bored.  On the advice of my friend Kerry, I decided to abandon the game.  Unfortunately, I returned the game before I could get to the part of the game where one of the female protagonists gets raped by orcs.  Shame.

Burnout Revenge (XBOX 360):

I used to love playing the Burnout series.  Unfortunately, my recollection of the game is hazy at best because I was royally drunk every time I played.  For the past few weeks, I have tried to find an awesome racing game, even trying my luck at the new Burnout game, Burnout Paradise.  I couldn’t get into it.  Using part of the store credit I got from returning N3, I snatched up the 360 version for Burnout Revenge.  It was just as awesome, if not better, than when I used to play it with a case of beer in my belly.  Not much compares to the awesomeness of high speed road rage and multi-car pile-ups coupled with massive explosions.

Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell Essentials (PSP):

I need to stop reading reviews.  I started playing Splinter Cell Essentials earlier in the week and decided it is fun.  Then I went online and read the reviews that just trashed the game.  This led me to second guess myself and the merits of the game.  Before I went and got my ass handed to me in Mario Kart Wii last night, I played Splinter Cell for a few hours.  I think it is an absolutely awesome game.  What’s not to like about covert CIA black ops stealthiness?  I told Meggie I like the game because its like I’m playing as my dad.

So, there you have it nerds.  That’s my video game wrap-up for the week.

For the past three or four weeks, I have been hearing about a video Game called BOOM BLOX (Wii).  The word on the street was that it is a pretty awesome game that can put a smile on the face of even the most hardened criminal or really sad kid.  I kept checking in at Blockbuster to see if the game was available, but each time I went in, I was told that all copies were checked out, and I would sulk out the door practically in tears.  Yesterday, I checked back in, and BOOM BLOX was available.  I snatched up the copy and brought it to the checkout counter.  Even the clerk who always lets me know I have no life seemed to know how important this game was, and I think just handling the available copy of it made her shed a tear of joy.  Yeah, it’s that happy of a game.  I walked out the door, BOOM BLOX in hand, and I knew all was right in the world.

As everyone knows, I am an avid party animal, so later during the evening Brandon and Carmen came over and we decided to party Mario style (nobody knows how to party like Nintendo’s fat Italian spokesman, Mario).  As any hardcore partier knows, sometimes things can get a little crazy, so as we were setting up Mario Party 8, readying ourselves to party like a bunch of old ladies, Meggie decided to bring the drama:

Meggie: “Brandon, how come David and I can never be player one and two?  It’s our apartment.  Our [gigantic] TV.  Our Wii.”

Brandon: “Yes, but it is my game.  I can just take it home and play it [on my little prehistoric TV].”

Meggie: “Fine.  You can take your game.  David just got a new game today called BOOM BLOX.”

It was like all of the life had been sucked out of Brandon.  All he knew was sadness, pain and hurt.  Brandon had been waiting to get his hands on BOOM BLOX for just as long as I had.  In fact, he had been playing some flash demos online, and they did nothing but feed his craving for the Real McCoy.

Brandon grabbed the game and looked at me like I had betrayed him, and I think the only words that were able to sneak out of his tightening throat were, “You son of a bitch!”  I went to get Brandon some tissues and a tampon, and when I came back I told him he should come over and play BOOM BLOX tomorrow.

Like I said, BOOM BLOX is apparently that important.

So this morning I woke up at 1:00 PM, took the dog out and then settled in to play what was beginning to seem like the most important game in human history.  Steven Spielberg was somehow involved in the design or concept of the game.  I figured if Spielberg could move us with E.T., Schindler’s List and Hook, he would probably be able to do the same with a video game.  I mentally prepared myself for the utter euphoria I would experience when I played this game.  I had a general idea of what the concept was, but that was all.

Aaaannnnnnndddd….

BOOM BLOX is okay.  It’s not horrible, but it didn’t take away my need for anti-depresents or make me want to adopt African kids.  What a jip.  The game is entertaining, but there was nothing fantastic about it.  I felt cheated.  The game’s premise is rooted in Newtonian physics.  Basically, the player has to knock over a certain amount of strangely arranged boxes in as few attempts as possible.  That’s it.  There are cute box-shaped cows and chickens and penguins who cheer you on, so i suppose that’s a plus.  Based on some of the pictures I have seen online, there are some pretty neat environments as you get further into the game.  I don’t have that kind of time, though.  It’s Sunday, and I have to go to work tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll invest a little more time in this game later, but not right now.  The promise of unknown happiness has been taken from me by the great big Indian Giver that is reality.

I’m going to go play some more CONAN.

WARNING: This post is exceptionally nerdy.

Hey nerds!

This past week has been an exercise in patience as I have tried to find a cool video game to play.  I have the Blockbuster Game Pass, which I prefer over something like Gamefly, because I can check out two video games at a time and bring them back the same day if they suck (unlike Gamefly where I would have to wait for the mail).  Through trial and error, blood sweat and tears and actually having to explain (unsuccessfully) to the Blockbuster clerk that I do have a life, I was finally able to secure a video game:

CONAN!

I have been skipping over this game for the past few months, electing to play bigger hits like Mass Effect, HALO 3 and Grand Theft Auto 4.  I’m glad I put it off, because as I mentioned, I have been experiencing a bit of a video game dry-spell, and I needed hope. 

This game is awesome.  If you were a fan of the God of War games, then this is a great game.  With non-stop swordplay, tons of enemies and monsters of epic size, it will keep you entertained.  Graphically, it is pretty good (not as good as GoW), the controls are easy and the game-play is smooth.  Also, unlike Viking: Battle for Asgard (which I figured would be like God of War), you don’t have to wander all over the place to get into the action.  In CONAN, you essentially have a set path you follow, and said path is chock full of villains to chop up.  I just finished playing the first couple of levels, and I have no doubt it will continue to rule.  Here are some additional perks:

- I mentioned the chopping people up, right?  It’s worth mentioning it again because there is a lot of chopping people up.  Geez, it’s so hard to find a game these days where you can slice and dice the bad guys.

- You can hurl boulders at enemies.  That’s right.  Big honking boulders are all over the place, and you can heave them at anyone who tries to get in your way as you are chopping people up.

- Bosses.  Remember way back in the day when video games had bosses and the bosses were hulking, larger-than-life gateways to the next level?  So many games made for the next gen systems seem to have have abandoned this.  CONANdoesn’t.  I just finished fighting a gigantic Butterbean-looking boss who wielded and equally large battle axe/hammer.  It ruled.  Add to this, I got to mash his face to a bloody pulp when I beat him.  Score!

- Finally:  Boobies.  The Holy Grail of video game nerddom.  So very few video games offer the player the opportunity to rescue unrealistically big-bare-breasted, helpless maidens.  CONAN did not skimp on this.

So there you have it.  Go play CONAN.  It rules.

This Saturday, I got my athleticism on and got into some serious Wii Sports.  After demolishing the competition in Wii Baseball, I decided to get into some Wii Boxing.  Let me say this: My Wii Boxing skills are flawless.  However, as any seasoned boxing pro will tell you, you need to give yourself time to recuperate from a match.  This, my friends, I did not do.  You know how when you watch any of the 50 or so Rocky movies, and they transition through a series of fights, back-to-back, showing Rocky beating all of his opponents?  Obviously, those are a string of fights, and you know they have taken place over a period of weeks or months. 

Now, imagine if you will, a movie about me being a Wii Boxer.  In this film, there is also a string of back-to-back fights featuring me destroying opponent after opponent.  If you think that these fights have occurred over a period of weeks or months, you would be wrong.  In fact, these fights all took place over a period of one day – minutes, in fact.

With Brandon and Meggie watching in awe and anticipation as I stomped the crap out of each computerized opponent, I realized my true calling.  I am legitimate prize fighter.  What’s the prize, you ask?  Pain.  As I gracefully (read spastically) hopped (read flailed) around, I had no idea that all of my prizes would be waiting for me the next morning.

I’ve decided that the AMA needs to add a new condition to its list of ailments: Wii Arm.  I think I have that.  This is what my arm looks like now.  I tried to high-five someone earlier, and it felt like my arm was being ripped out of the socket.

- David C. Garcia