Next to Faith No More, Alice In Chains is one of my favorite bands ever.  Aside from the few songs on their Nothing Safe: Best of the Box album, these guys haven’t put out new music since 1995’s self-titled Alice In Chains album.

Then Layne Staley died, and I figured AIC would never again be.

Fortunately, I was wrong.  With the addition of their new vocalist, William DuVall, AIC is back!

The new video was just released.  Matt Murphy just brought it to my attention, and I’m super-pumped.  In the event that the video is taken down from MySpace because of the boobs content, do yourself a favor and go to the band’s website, www.aliceinchains.com to check out “A Looking In View,” AIC’s first single from their forthcoming album, Black Gives Way To Blue

A Looking In View - Music Video

- David C. Garcia, AIC superfan

RELATED: WHAT HAPPENED TO MUSIC PART 2 - DIRT -  ALICE IN CHAINS

Jon Lajoie is HILARIOUS:

When I was in the 8th grade, I picked up a copy of White Zombie’s La Sexorcista: Devil Music Volume 1.  Led by techno-acid-horror-kitsch-retro-art singer, Rob Zombie, it was a take on rock I hadn’t heard before.  I still love that album and all other Rob Zombie music projects that followed.

When I was 25, I watched House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects back-to-back under some very strange, sweaty circumstances.  *giggity*   When I look back on that evening, the circumstances are condemnable at least.  However, the movies are not.  1,000 Corpses and Rejects raised the bar for the slasher flick in a way that Hostel and Saw  tried at but failed.  They played on the basic vulnerable “this could happen to anyone at any time under any circumstance” horror that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre parlayed.  That’s how I saw it anyway.  Plus, Hostel was retarded as shit and the Saw series became too formulaic.  I’ll take Otis Driftwood quoting Charles Manson and wearing your face over Jigsaw the handicapped sadist any day.

Anyway.  Rob Zombie proved (especially with The Devil’s Rejects) that horror is still alive and well if dealt with properly.

Then Zombie did something I wasn’t sure I approved of.  He sought to remake Halloween.  What the hell, right?  I learned about this at the same time that there were talks of remaking Cronenberg’s The Fly (and don’t say it’s a remake of the Vincent Price film, or I will…I don’t know…snap your arm in an arm wrestling match).  

Okay, I didn’t just disapprove.  I was pissed.  Great!  They’re remaking The Fly, possibly my favorite horror movie of all time, and now Rob Zombie is remaking Halloween.  Fucking great, Rob.  Now I have to hate you.

He totally passed, though.  What an amazing job.  He didn’t just “re-shoot” Halloween like Psycho was reshot but with color in the late 90s.  Instead, he paid tribute to the original, reinventing the story from a different and brilliantly shocking angle.  A true reimaging.  Both Halloweens are now seperate and wonderful entities.

Halloween was amazing.  It helped sweeten the soured taste in my mouth of all of the Ringesque movies that promised so much but delivered nothing.

And now, Halloween II is set to chop into the minds of pop horror buffs once again.  August ‘09, putos.  I am so excited about this.  I watched the preview, and I am already sold.

I’m not even second guessing the man again.  A few years ago I said that Rob Zombie may singlehandedly bring back horror.  I’m going to go ahead and retract that statement, especially since Sam Raimi of Evil Dead fame just unleashed Drag Me to Hell.  But I think Rob Zombie is going to be a MAJOR driving force in the reinvention of good horror.

Thanks Rob Zombie.  Keep it up.

-David C. Garcia “ain’t goin’ nowhere, bitch.”

Idiots and douchegoblins have spent countless hours contemplating answers to the age old question: What makes a man?

“A real man provides for his family.” - Sap

“A real man is in touch with his feelings.” - Wuss

“A real man fights for what he believes in.” - Dumbass

“A real man would be able to pleasure me.” - Meggie… Wait! What?!? Fuck!

Whatever.  You buttmonkeys go ahead and spend all the time you want thinking that gobbletygook and hullabaloo.  I’ll be sitting here watching Steven Seagal’s Out For Justice and listening to his acoustic masterpiece, Songs From the Crystal Cave–SIMULTANEOUSLY!

Because I know.  I know what makes a man:

An average-sized wiener and a couple of lopsided testes.  What’s up ladies?

Yeah, I’m rockin’ what it takes to be a man, but I’m also representing something else: A sleeveless shirt.  I’ve got the package to make me a hot-blooded hombre.  But when I need that extra edge, that little something to supercharge my masculinity, I slip into one of my many BADASS SLEEVELESS SHIRTS.

And as a full-fledged badass, I need that little something all the time.  You got it.  I wear sleeveless shirts constantly.  Everywhere I go.

When I came to work today, I was jamming to a cassette tape called 200 Animal Mating Sounds on my iWalkman.  I let the soothing sounds of track #127, “Musky Male Moose” motivate me. I was sporting my Tuesday Morning Sleeveless, a faded “Bad Boy” shirt I nicknamed “Lady Killer.”   I originally broke Lady Killer in at the gym while I “shredded my guns” with some intense curls.

My boss saw me, peeped my gear, sprouted a fat vein in his forehead and shouted, “Goddammit, Garcia!  Are you TRYING to piss me off, or are you just that stupid?”

This is the kind of challenge to my dominance and badassery I face every day, and as my homeboy Woody Harrelson said in the Oscar-deserving classic,  White Men Can’t Jump, this shit “ain’t no thang but a chicken wang.”  I promptly dropped into a horse-stance, cocking back one hand at the hip and confidently thrusting the second forward.  With the fury of a donkey-punched feminist, I roared something indiscernible and kung-fu sounding as my fist passionately raped the air.  I stared into The Boss’ eyes with determination.  And yes, my headphones were still on.  Track #129, “Rough Riding Rhino.”

“What does that even mean, Garcia? That stupid thing you just did, what does that mean?  Are you fucking retarded?  Get to your office!  I’m not paying you to pretend to be cool!”  The vein in The Boss’ forehead reached critical mass.  I wanted to poke it, but I was kind of stuck in my horse stance.

I wiggled my way out of my intimidating pose, gave The Boss a nonchalant “pfff” and strutted to my office, making sure my pecs did a dance as I walked by.

Had I arrived at work in a vagina button-up or a lame-ass polo with sleeves, things would have been a lot different.  I probably would have lost The Boss’ respect or even been asked to go work/assimilate with the rest of the staff.  That is most certainly not my style.  My sleeveless shirt is like a magnificent shield against all things stupid.

These pythons must be free.  My sensual shoulder flagellum, or what the haters call “nasty-ass arm hair” needs to breathe.  When I raise my hand to high-five another badass or swat at a mosquito trying to eat my pheromone-rich blood, I want the breeze to cool my Old Spice Original Scent-caked armpit that’s been fully exposed through the 26-inch anti-sleeve.

Sleeveless shirts, motherfucker.  Only to be worn by TRUE BADASSES.

- David C. Garcia, the man with no sleeves

When you think of badasses, you think of dudes who mean business.  Badasses kick asses and take names all day long. It’s a 24/7 job, and when badasses stop doing their job, the terrorists win.  A lot.

There are only two dates in American History that badasses have stopped kicking asses and taking names:

November 28, 1997: The day Beavis and Butthead went off the air.

And

September 11, 2001: The day I almost beat Contra (NES) with one life but was interrupted when my mom called me to tell me something about New York.

On these two sad American dates, badasses were in union negotiations and failed to actually do their job.  And what happened?  America’s most beloved cartoon went off the air, and I died in Contra.  Coincidence?  Doubtful.  The terrorists made that shit happen.  Terrorists don’t hate freedom.  They hate badass things like Contra and Beavis and Butthead.

But I digress…

Badasses obviously have a passion for their calling, and that passion is fueled by pure, unadulterated inspiration.  That inspiration comes from one source:

Journey, motherfuckers!

That’s right.  Just like fat kids are motivated by Ding Dongs and just like Michael Jackson is motivated by fat kids’ ding dongs, badasses are motivated by the sweet arena-rocking sounds of Journey.  You would think badasses are driven by something way more hardcore like Judas Priest.  I mean, what is more hardcore and heterosexual than Judas Priest?

It’s true, Judas Priest may rock the balls right off your face.  However, screaming and wailing guitars does not always translate to passion, and that is what Journey has.  That is what Journey creates.

Journey invented passion and they spoke it to the world, like Jesus to his disciples, through their ass-kicking front man, Steve Perry–an Original Badass.

Journey is pretty much the only thing I listen to.  I have a 30G iPod, and it is filled with 30G of Journey.  When I first applied to be a badass, one of the hardest things was to throw out all my other music.  Well, in order to make a badass, you have to crack a few eggs (and skulls).  I complied, and I have never looked back.

When I lift weights in my sleeveless sweatshirt, I jam to Journey’s “Edge of The Blade.”  When I open-mouth French kiss my wife, I simultaneously hum “Don’t Stop Believin’.”  She loves it.

There are some progressive badasses who have included other Badass artists to their musical catalogue: Phil Collins, Toto, Mr. Mister.  These are all very talented, passionate and badass badasses.  However, I am a purist.

Journey, bitches.  That’s all I listen to.

- David C. Garcia, 
   Journey fan

I am a HUGE fan of Eminem.  He is clever, funny and a bazillion times better than most mainstream rappers.  I am so excited about his new album, Relapse.

His new single is awesome.  It sounds like he has continued with the style he used (to a lot of people’s dismay) on Encore.  The bashing of faux celebs like Kim Kardashian and VH1 heroes like Brett Michaels is also hysterical.  I am so glad Mr. Mathers is back. 

- David C. Garcia

Dear MC Hammer,

I’m sure you won’t actually read this, but I figured I would try and reach you this way.

What happened to you, man?  Two months ago, you were totally cool.  When I replied to one of your Twitter tweets about some music video you made, you totally replied back.  We had a conversation, man.  You said something in 140 characters or less, and I replied in kind (minus the 9 characters your name takes up in an @ message).  Then you totally replied to me.  It was magical.

What happened to that magic, MC Hammer?

More importantly, MC Hammer, what happened to us?  Before Twitter, you and I were totally inseparable.

Like remember that one time a few years ago when we built that giant robot and drove it to 7-Eleven to buy nachos?  Oh, man, that was so awesome.  How you learned to drive that giant robot still cracks me up.

Okay okay.  Fine, MC Hammer.  Fine.  There was no giant robot.

Okay, whatever, that was all made up.  What I meant to say was, “Remember that time a few years ago when I was listening to Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em on that Walkman I got from the retarded guy in exchange for a dead squirrel I found and then stole some nachos from 7-Eleven?  And even though you were not there with me in person, I could hear you rapping through that retard’s pudding-caked headphones.  And really, I couldn’t hear anything because the retard ate the batteries.  And really, Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em was not even in the Walkman.  It was Vanilla Ice’s To The Extreme.  And I was still drinking at the time.  A lot.”  Remember that?

Fine, MC Hammer, be that way.  Listen, Broseph, I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.  You know, like when you would tweet about something I don’t really care about and I would reply just so I could tell my buddies I was chatting with MC Hammer.  Remember that one time that happened like two months ago?  Yeah.  That shit was totally um…fly.  And dope.  And I was um… illin’ after that.

I miss us, MC Hammer.  We were totally like Starsky & Hutch or Beavis & Butthead or um.. @davidcgarcia & @MCHammer.  Remember that?  Now I’m just some random @whomever to you.  Sheesh, MC Hammer.  Way to hurt a guy.

You know what really stings, though?  You decided to start following my friend, Brandon.  Oh look, it’s @MCHammer and @brandonjcarr hanging out.  Kickin’ it old school.  Oh, where’s @davidcgarcia?  Oh, he’s over there in the corner, staring intently at the TwitterBerry application on his phone, dehydrating from the tears of loneliness and betrayal as he waits for MC Hammer to say something to his dozens of pointless and possibly harassing tweets.  That’s right, MC Hammer.  You betrayed me, homeboy.

Hammer, you did hurt em…err…me.

Whatever.  Hit me up sometime, man.  We should start hanging again.  And building robots.

Your pal,
@davidcgarcia

Hello, and Happy New Year!

Or something.

I haven’t had a good Christmas or New Years in a long time.  They haven’t been bad or anything, they have just been pretty uneventful.  This year was good.  I got all kinds of sweet loot, including a Flip Mino video camera.  My mother and brother came to visit.  Dad couldn’t make it because, well, he’s in Iraq killing bad people.  But seeing my mom and Chris was cool.

The problem, however, with the holiday is that it set back my entire schedule.  I was planning to complete a significant amount of writing for THE BOOK, but none of that happened.  I need to buckle down and get the first draft finished.  My goal was to have the whole book in the editing process by the end of this month, but now it looks like I am going to be working on the book into next month.

Father Time is really pissing me off.

Some other news:

- In four weeks, I will know what gender my baby is.  That is super exciting.

- I will be solo-essaying this week for TSAT.  Plan to have your pants ROFL’d off, putos.

- The newest installment of the Call of Duty series, “World At War” is awesome.

- I have decided to stop drinking so much soda.  As soon as I finish the soda I have, I will be an H2O man.

That’s all.  Happy 2009, vatos.

- David C. Garcia

I would like to go see this movie when it detonates in movie theaters.  Who is with me?

- David C. Garcia

EDIT: 11/25/08 - I take back everything I say in this post.  This album rules.  I had to listen to it like 20 times, but now I love it.

I just finished listening to Guns N’ Roses newest album, Chinese Democracy. 

For years…for over a decade, GnR fans have been awaiting the release of the elusive Chinese Democracyalbum.  After alienating/firing all of the original members of the original Guns n’ Roses including the irreplaceable Slash and Duff McKagan, Axl started working on the GnR album that he said would end all Guns n’ Roses albums.

Did it work?  Did it happen?

I don’t think so.

The opening song, ‘Chinese Democracy’ is awesome.  The very first thing you hear is Axl’s signature shriek as the music starts to build.  As a first single, I think it will really make GnR fans say, “Holy shit!  Guns N’ Roses is still awesome!”  Then, they will hear the next song, ‘Shackler’s Revenge’ and be weirded out.  It’s a good song, and I’m not saying that bands can’t evolve and change their sound, but Industrial GnR?  Ugh.  It’s like mixing Coca-Cola with Orange Juice.  I like both, but I don’t want them together.  I don’t want Industrial rock blasting over Axl Rose.

Then there are a few piano ballads.  I know the piano was a huge part of the Use Your Illusionalbums, and I understand that Axl loves playing that particular instrument.  But at least on the Use Your Illusion albums, the piano was complimented by shredding guitars and heavy bass lines.  On Chinese Democracy, there are some Electronica beats mixed into piano fellating that would make Elton John’s jams sound Heavy Metal.  Ugh.

If this album were not released under the band name Guns N’ Roses and instead released as The Axl Rose Band, it would make a lot more sense.

I give this album a B- (and that is being generous)

There are some very good songs on the album.  If you feel the need to get the whole album, you can get it on iTunes for $9.99.  Or, if you just want the really good songs, here they are:

“Chinese Democracy”
“If the World”
“Catcher in the Rye”
“I.R.S”
“Madagascar”

That’s all you really need to hear.  Again, the album is not bad, and I can’t complain since I kind of just ended up with a free copy of it a few days before it was released.  Still, if you are a hardcore (or even casual) fan of GnR, don’t expect great things.

That being said, I am going to go listen to Use Your Illusion I and Appetite for Destruction – REAL Guns N’ Roses albums.