NO SPOILERS HERE

Meggie and I just saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno.  I will say this first: the way I know this is a good movie is because I enjoyed it the whole way through in the theater, I would easily go see it again (if someone wants to buy an outrageously overpriced ticket for me), and I will most definitely get it on DVD when it comes out.

So, the movie was good.

Right now, I have more criticism for Lisa Schwarzbaum’s (Entertainment Weekly) review of the movie.  If I could make a character judgement of Lisa using just three words, it would be “stuck up bitch.”

Meggie always says (jeez, that makes me sound like Forrest Gump) that most movie critics are just bitter people who like to tear up movies because they couldn’t make it as a star/writer/director/fluffer themselves.  (And no, I am not bitter that I am not a movie critic.)

Lisa Schwarzbaum’s entire review can be found here.  What I want to do is sort through some of her criticisms and explore why she is probably a lonely, self-hating woman who constantly wonders why she can’t find a man (or a woman, not that that is a bad thing):

Before I even read the full review, I immediately realized Lisa Schwarzbaum is likely a bitter woman.  Her title says it all:

*Review: ‘Zack and Miri’ is stupid and sophomoric*

Something in this review title told me Lisa Schwarzbaum probably thought Sideways was “A Brilliant Triumph.”  I’m not saying that I thought Sideways was was a piece of pretentious crap (I thought it was a piece of pretentious crap), but it seems like the kind of movie Lisa would drag a blind date to see and then wonder why he left to go to the bathroom and never came back while she was in the middle of praising how groundbreaking it is (Sideways not her ability to get a date).

I disagree that the film is “stupid.”  It is not a thinking piece, for sure, but it is not stupid.  And “sophomoric?”  Of course it’s sophomoric.  It’s a Kevin Smith film.  Kevin Smith writes movies laced with the f-word and dick jokes because Kevin Smith knows that this is what his fans want to see.

The dilemma facing Zack and Miri is that the two roommates, friends since 1st grade (not high school, did you watch the movie Lisa?) are broke, don’t make too much money, and are on the verge of being evicted after their utilities are shut off. 

Lisa writes:

The Zack-and-Miri version of thinking big? Maybe homemade porn will pay the bills. (Zack the java monkey’s minimum-wage job at a Starbucks knockoff would make presidential candidates weep with election-season empathy.) The pair even volunteer their own services, willing to “do” sex on screen if that’s what it takes to get the electricity turned back on.

First of all, why do you quote “do” in that?  Is it because at some point in the film “do” is substituted for sex?   With a fan base of 20 and 30-something aged fans, Kevin Smith probably recognizes that most of the viewers will wax nostalgic for the days when Beavis and Butthead looked at a blond bimbo and proclaimed they would “do her.”  It’s not such a bad thing, Lisa.  It’s just funny.

Also, you seem to look down on the main characters’ “version of thinking big.”  It’s a comedy about making a porno.  Maybe they would have had a different “version of thinking big” if the movie was called “Zack and Miri Make an Investment” or “Zack and Miri Make a Cure for Cancer,” or “Zack and Miri Find Osama Bin Laden.”

Lisa writes:

And what the amateur filmmakers recapitulate in the porno embedded within “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” is the usual stuff of that proud son of New Jersey’s repertory, only with more giggling over boob jokes, gay jokes, mall jokes, panty jokes, and high-school-back-in-the-day jokes.

Again, with the underhanded comments.  “The proud son of New Jersey?”  And the kind of humor arsenal splattered through the film, including boob jokes, gay jokes and panty jokes?  Whys is that bad?  Those things are all comedy goldmines.  And again: Kevin Smith film.  When I want f-word laced jokes about retards, homosexuals, balls and masturbation (all the time, just an FYI), I pop Dogma, Chasing Amy or Mallrats into the DVD player.

Lisa then writes:

The simplistic message, however, is one any church pastor might give: Sex isn’t sexy without love, commitment, and fidelity. The established auteur who made “Clerks” (un and deux), “Mallrats,” and “Chasing Amy” may now be a 38-year-old husband and father who heads a successful production company, but he’s still got cheap advice for schlumpy twentysomething guys like Zack. (Zack’s notion of getting lucky at the reunion, FYI, is receiving some quickie manual stimulation from a bitter, married classmate who’s enraged because her husband is flirting across the crowded room.)

“[C]heap advice for schlumpy twentysomething guys like Zack?”  I don’t think Kevin Smith set out to advise twentysomething guys on how to solve their financial dilemmas, Lisa.  I think Kevin Smith wanted to make a funny movie about twentysomething guys (and gals).  Speaking from a twentysomething guy’s point of view, I can tell you that WE ALL LIKE PORNO (for its erotic and comedic values).  At some point, we have all fantasized, even if for just a minute, of being a porn star, and thought to ourselves, “Man, wouldn’t that be cool?  To get paid to fuck?”  Kevin Smith chose porn as the characters’ financial savior in this movie because it is the lowest common denominator of guy humor.  Again, if Kevin Smith had other intentions besides making a COMEDY and was, as you say advising a certain age demographic, he would have made, “Zack and Miri Update Their Resumes” or “Zack and Miri Apply for a Master’s Program Scholarship.”

Lisa also takes a stab at Kevin Smith’s film making aptitude, which has obviously been a handicap for him for the past almost two decades:

A Smith production is always noisy, shambling, and liberally smutty on the outside while conservatively gooey on the inside (and always, proudly, a visual eyesore, as if compositional coherence signifies selling out to the Man).

Noisy? Yes.  Shambling? Maybe. Liberally smutty on the outside while conservatively gooey on the inside?  Absolutely.  Once again: Kevin Smith film.  But she takes a stab at the man’s “compositional coherence” as if he dreads “selling out to the Man.”  I don’t think that’s it at all.  Kevin Smith’s “compositional coherence” is fantastic.  He has a model that works, and it has worked just fine since making his cult-classic Clerks and followup, Mallrats, with HUGE budget constraints.

Lisa Schwarzbaum, shut up.

If, for some reason, you read Lisa Schwarzbaum’s review and were swayed from seeing the movie, think again.  Zack and Miri, like all of Smith’s other films, works because it speaks to the viewers on a human level.  People don’t live grand, special effects-laden lives with “compositional coherence.”  People live lives that are often crude, sophomoric and awkward.  That is why I plan to see the next Kevin Smith movie, regardless of what Ms. Schwarzbaum says.

- David C. Garcia, film critic critic

A few of my coworkers and I were discussing horror movies today.  I decided to post a list of the horror awesomeness I currently own.  I think I’ll do something with this list eventually, maybe go through it and rate some of them based on a variety of merits.  Maybe not.  Don’t hassle me.

I elected to keep certain movies out of this list, mainly so I could have a true horror list.  However, I do consider certain movies like the Alien series (more horror than Sci-Fi) and The Silence of the Lambs/Hannibal series (equally horror as much as thriller) to, at times, qualify for this list.  I decided against putting them here just to make sure I didn’t get any backlash.

Have at:

An American Haunting
The Amityville Horror (remake)
Army of Darkness
Basket Case
Bubba Ho-tep
Cabin Fever
Creepshow
Dawn of the Dead (remake)
Dead Alive

Read the rest of this entry »

Matt Murphy just brought this movie to my attention.  I MUST see it.  Aside from what the preview offers, I have no idea what this movie is about.  Nevertheless, I am giving it and A+.  I don’t know Japanese, and I don’t even need subtitles.  The movie’s visuals will be just fine:

I am a HUGE Rob Zombie fan.  I remember when I was 14 or 15, I got White Zombie’s La Sexorcista: Devil Music Volume 1.  If CDs could be worn thin from play, that disc would have been inaudible after the first month.  After he left White Zombie to start a solo career, I followed Rob Zombie album after album.

Then he decided to go into movies.  There was all the buzz about House of 1000 Corpses, and I kept my eyes open.  When it finally came out and was followed by The Devil’s Rejects, I decided that Rob Zombie KNEW horror.  Not only could he make music about old-school/B-movie horror, he could properly make a genuine horror flick.  If there was ever any doubt in my mind that Zombie could revive the slasher horror, those doubts were put to rest when he wrote and directed a fantastic and original remake of Halloween.

While I do intend to see his animated film, El Superbeasto, the movie that I am excited to see is Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Apparently, it is slated to come out in August 2009.  I don’t even know what this movie is about.  I don’t think anyone really does.  All I know is that Rob Zombie has yet to let me down.  Anyways, the poster rules:

I generally dislike superhero movies.  Batman Begins and Tim Burton’s Batman have a special place in my heart, though.  I saw Burton’s Batman when I was eight or nine years old, and I LOVED it.  Watching it as an adult is a whole new experience.  There is a lot of depth to the movie, and I look at it more like an actual story than just a *SMACK!* *POW* *ZING!* superhero movie. I sat down and watched TB’s Batman this evening.  Just a few thoughts:

One - Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of The Joker is insane.  While Michael Keaton was great as the Dark Knight, Nicholson’s The Joker stole the show in that movie.  What a horrible lunatic.

Two - I forgot just how awesome Jack Nicholson is in general.  Whether he is playing a whacked out super-villain, an angry Irish mob boss or a neurotic OCD plagued writer, Jack is badass.  I want to be as cool as him.

Three - Vicky Vale screams way too much in that movie.  I found myself wishing Batman had some sort of gadget that could have swiftly removed her vocal chords.

I am seeing the midnight showing of The Dark Knight tomorrow evening.  I have no doubt it will rule.

Despite being a movie chock full of messages (something I typically frown on), WALL-E was fantastic.  At it’s heart, it was just a good old fashioned robot love story.  Normally, I am a bit reluctant to see animated movies because I’m jaded and cynical and may even lack a soul.  WALL-E, however, struck a particular nerve, and I was actually very moved throughout the film.  I wonder if the movie was made more with adults in mind.  It just seemed to be more of an adult movie than a kid movie.  On a 5-star scale, I give WALL-E five stars.

- David C. Garcia

Last night, Meggie and I watched Black Snake Moan.  Within five minutes, I was almost positive that the movie was going to be a horribly depressing combination of Gummo-like cinematics and grittiness and Harold and Maude romance.  Fortunately, I was wrong, and the film was actually quite good.  Set in rural Mississippi, the film does have that gross-other-side-of-America-we-don’t-like-to-see feel Gummo had, but unlike Gummo, the film does offer up a decent story and does not have that creepy looking rodent kid in it.

In Black Snake Moan, Lazarus (Samuel L. Jackson), a God-fearing farmer with a taste for the blues takes on the responsibility of caring for a battered and abused Rae (Christina Ricci) whose sole purpose in life is to whore herself out to as many guys as possible.  When her boyfriend Ronnie (Justin Timberlake) is shipped off to war, Rae immediately does what she does best: spreads her legs and gets to work on as many local men-folk as she can.  After getting her fill of booze and pills (and other fleshy items), a drunk Rae is beaten severely and left for dead on the country road just outside Lazarus’ home.  Lazarus finds the human train-wreck, brings her into his home and does his best to nurse her back to health.  After several attempts to whorishly seduce him and an onslaught of maniacal outbursts very reminiscent of Regan in The Exorcist, Lazarus is convinced that Rae needs the spirit of God.  In the spirit of caring and compassion, Lazarus goes ahead and does what any host would do a houseguest: He chains her up!

I figured the movie would become some sick and depraved half-assed love story after Rae is shackled to the radiator, but it actually turns out to be pretty good.  Lazarus fights off every attempt Rae makes to get into his pants, all the while nursing her back to health and helping to mentally and spiritually balance her.

Eventually, Rae begins to understand that she doesn’t need to let anything with a penis have its way with her, and she stabilizes enough to be unbound.  Rae and Lazarus’ friendship blooms, and he introduces her to his blues-playing skills.  I need to add that Samuel L. Jackson can sing the blues.  When Lazarus and Rae go to a blues bar, Lazarus busts out in some seriously awesome guitar playing and blues singing.

The movie comes to a believable, if not at least satisfying close when Ronnie returns home and tries to find Rae.  Convinced Rae is giving it up to Lazarus, Ronnie busts in on them with a gun as they are singing and bluesing it up.  All works out well, however.  Even when Samuel L. Jackson plays a bible-thumping, blues-guitar-strumming vegetable farmer, he is a badass.  After being pistol whipped by Ronnie, Lazarus defies him to shoot him and talks him down to the point of tears.  Ultimately, Lazarus knows that all of Rae and Ronnie’s problems can be solved with love.  Convincing them that they need each other to survive, Lazarus arranges an impromptu private wedding and all ends well.

Ultimately, Black Snake Moan has the same coming-of-age feel and story of empowerment and betterment as The Karate Kid.  Except there is not karate, and Lazarus is not a short Japanese man who teaches martial arts via housework.

Meggie and I were driving around, and I brought up the planned Hugh Hefner film that is now in the works.  I mentioned that I think the concept of a Hugh Hefner movie is irrelevant and lame. In perfect Meggie form, my fiancée shot me down, explaining that there is some relevance to the Playboy Magazine founder.  Ultimately, I conceded.  Another win for Meggie.  Kind of.

Meggie pointed out that there had been a film made about Hustler Magazine founder, Larry Flynt.  The People vs. Larry Flynt was significant in that it addressed issues pertaining to freedom of speech and obscenity laws all the while chronicling the early life of a moonshine-brewing hillbilly who graduated to smut peddler and eventually became the insane porn tycoon that he is today.  Larry Flynt was just a gross backwoods bumpkin whose pre-porn endeavors were no different than modern meth labs.  He happened to snap a few pictures of naked women in compromising acts and was lucky enough to get rich for this.  Not a bad deal, if you ask me.  The social implications of his magazine were important, but his personal life was really no different than those guests you see on Jerry Springer.

Hugh Hefner was relevant 40 years ago.  Now he is a gross old man.  That’s a fact.  But somehow, he has been able to retain his social standing as a geriatric Casanova.  It’s disturbing, really.  People hail The Hef as this charming gentleman who is able to sweep the most angelic and nubile young women off their feet.  I disagree.  Hugh Hefner is really that dirty old man who lives down the street and lures your daughter in with promises of candy so that he can defile her.  I know we all see this.  Yes, Hugh Hefner has been inside more women than Tampax, but really why are you all so amazed with this?  Do you really think it’s because of his boyish good looks or his charm?  Of course not.  It’s his money that he gets from his half-(airbrushed)-assed porn.  When that creepy guy who works at the dollar store takes some sexual liberties with your “innocent” little prom queen, he is rightfully thrown in the slammer because as a society, we justifiably perceive that as creepy.  Yet, we all turn on The Girls Next Door each week and watch in envy as Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends, all of whom are nearly 50 years his junior, prance about and talk about how sweet their mummified lover is.  Joe Rogan did a funny bit of stand-up on Hugh and his three ladies.  I think it is apt:

Like I said, I did kind of hand it to Meggie.  A Hugh Hefner film will be good if it deals with him half a century ago.  The man’s magazine, despite it’s non-commitment to the actual genre of porn, is iconic, and so WAS he.  Much like Larry Flynt’s, Hugh Hefner’s magazine was significant in helping stir the so-called “Sexual Revolution;” It’s first issue catapulting Marilyn Monroe to the forefront of the movement (and stardom) by featuring her on the cover.  I also think Playboy was significant in that it took a firm stand during the Civil Rights movement, featuring legendary soul singer James Brown in an article when no other white magazine would.  In his heyday, Hugh Hefner was a handsome, intelligent Renaissance Man.  His publication injected sex into America, challenging sexual taboos and bumped heads with conservatives who had a very different view on First Amendment rights.  Go mid-20th century Hugh Hefner!

If the Hugh Hefner movie addresses Hugh Hefner from back in the day, Meggie is right.  It will be relevant and interesting.  If it in any way pays tribute to modern Hugh Hefner, then it will suck.  I don’t want to see this:

HEY BOZO! Spoiler alert.

Meggie and I just got to see the midnight showing of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Was it good? Absolutely. Was it worth the price of admission?  Definitely (One of Meggie’s friends hooked us up, and we got in for free).

Let’s put it this way — If you liked any of the other Indiana Jones films, you will like this:

It’s still action-packed goofiness…

The special effects were amazing, but it was still shot so that it has that green-screen/blue-screen feel to it…

There are car chases…

There are insane insects that eat people whole…

Indiana Jones’ dad, Harry Jones, Sr., makes a cameo — in a photograph. He’s dead by this time…

Shia LeBaouf plays Mutt Williams. It’s later revealed his name is Harry Jones III. He is the son of Marion Ravenwood and Indiana Jones…

Oh, yeah, and there are aliens and nuclear explosions (not at the same time). It takes place during the beginning of the Cold War and the crystal skull actually belongs to an alien…

Like in other Indiana Jones flicks, there is always obvious Hubris, and the villains die because their greed and blind determination get the best of them…

The aforementioned alien literally drops science on the main villain in the end. She asks the alien to tell her everything. The alien drops so much science on her her head explodes and she turns into dust…

There you go. I just told you all the important things about the movie without actually ruining the story. Enjoy!

- David C. Garcia

Brandon, Meggie and I were checking out the toys at Target yesterday, and I started noticing some serious inaccuracies in the toys.  Remember the bad guys in Indiana Jones?  Where did they come from again?  Oh yeah, Nazi Germany.  Here’s one of the toys:

The toy is being sold as  “German Officer” not  “Nazi Officer.”

Holy Crap!  I just found another toy.  It’s a “German President.”

I have nothing against these toys, but seriously, why keep the kinder in the dark?  If it steps like a goose…

- David C. Garcia