I’ve always known I was different.  I always knew there was something…something ethnic about me.

My parents tried to downplay suspicions, pointing out that what I was sensing was my quarter Mexicanness (real word) and assuaging my feelings of intense soul by cramming tacos into my little boca and telling me “¡Callate!  ¡Ay Dios mio!  ¡Este niño! ¡Que estupido!”

But still, I knew.  I knew that something about me was black.

By heritage, I am Polish, Russian, Spanish and Mexican.  Spiritually, however, I am part black. 

I think that’s why I have always liked rap. 

When I was an active alcoholic, I drank 40s of malt liquor.  Colt 45, MUTHAFUCKA’!  Oh, and the Japanese beer Asahi when I could afford it and was feeling particularly Asian.  That’s a whole other story though.

Anyway.  I felt super African American.

Tucson, AZ doesn’t have too many black people.  Seriously.  So freakin’ weird.  I mean, it’s all hot and Africanny-feeling.  Maybe there are too many old white people and La-ay-ay-ay-aytinos!  Whatever.  When I was in elementary school in Tucson, we totally got a black kid in our class one year.  His name was Tyrone or Jamal or Jefferson or Steve.  Not sure.  Either way, he was way black, and we totally hung out.

Until he got expelled.  Racist-ass motherfuckin’ principal.

But I’ll never forget the months he and I spent at recess staring at all the white girls.  It ruled.

Fast-forward like 20 years to…umm…around present time.  I’m 29 and still totally feeling black.  Jamming to the hippity hop and rap music and watching re-runs of The Cosby Show and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  Feelin’ my spiritual black roots, you know? Before These Stories Are True became ridiculous, Rev. Brandon J. Carr and I even authored an essay about my quest for a black friend:

“DAVID NEEDS A BLACK FRIEND”

I’ve still got that feeling, and the other day, my identity became fully realized.

It was last Friday.  It was after my AA meeting.  I was standing outside talking with one of the black dudes.  I mentioned something about Michael Jackson being a really good dancer for a child molester and then pondered aloud whether Jeffrey Dahmer was equally good at dancing.  My black co-alcoholic burst into a hefty belly laugh and then told me, “That’s my nigga!”

Here’s proof:

It was at that very moment that I knew.  I may be a pasty, poloc/rusky/spic, but I am also now an honorary black dude.  Represent, bitches!

Now that I am an honorary black dude, I need to give up my stupid slave name, “David,” and get a badass African name like “Dr. Dre.”

Also, if I hear any of you white boys drop the “n-word,” I will pimp slap the shit out of you.  That’s our word.

- David C. Garcia,
  Honorary Black Guy

These Stories Are True is back, vatos!

We took a few weeks hiatus as Brandon settled into his new job feeding old people and I finished my book.

But now, all the old people are fed, and the first draft of my book is finished.  So props to the old people and me.  Brandon can have some props, too.  I guess.

When we left off at TSAT, we had just completed PART 1 of “WE START A GANG.”  And, what better way to start off Black History Month than to bring you the second installment.

On Monday, “WE START A GANG: PART 2″ will explode all of the Intwerwebs via TSAT, and maybe we will finally get the literary praise we deserve.  Get ready, Sweden.  Daddy’s home.

But bigger than that, we have a new contributor to TSAT.  Les Johnson of www.thelongdownwardspiral.com has joined forces with Brandon and me and wrote with us last night for the second installment of the aforementioned essay.  The dude is an amazing writer, and we knew he would do a great job.  But he did a brilliant job.  It was a perfect fit.  Usually, Brandon and I can tell an essay will be good when we are one chuckle short of literally shitting our pants.  And I think last night, we may have actually crossed that chuckle threshold when we read Les’ contribution.  Flawless.

I have extended the offer to Les to become an actual co-author for TSAT and not just a contributor.  So, we will hopefully see a lot more work from him. 

Tune in on Monday for PART 2 of “WE START A GANG.”

- David C. Garcia

Brandon and I have a pretty good dynamic when it comes to writing the TSAT essays.  It’s apparent the magic is really working when he and I sit in the compound, practically shitting ourselves with laughter as we go back-and-forth with our contributions to the essay.  When I got married, Brandon did a solo essay about the wedding.  This past week, I got tasked with a solo essay while Brandon was visiting with family on the West Coast.

We both bring something very special to the TSAT world, and the final product is always something very unique.  When we are left to our own devices, though, it becomes kind of obvious what kind of tone we each provide when writing the essays.

If you are so inclined, go read the solo essay I did (AND ILLUSTRATED!) for TSAT this week.  And comment.  As a narcissist, I need some sort of recognition.

DAVID TAKES CARE OF BUSINESS WHILE BRANDON IS ON “VACATION”

Hello, and Happy New Year!

Or something.

I haven’t had a good Christmas or New Years in a long time.  They haven’t been bad or anything, they have just been pretty uneventful.  This year was good.  I got all kinds of sweet loot, including a Flip Mino video camera.  My mother and brother came to visit.  Dad couldn’t make it because, well, he’s in Iraq killing bad people.  But seeing my mom and Chris was cool.

The problem, however, with the holiday is that it set back my entire schedule.  I was planning to complete a significant amount of writing for THE BOOK, but none of that happened.  I need to buckle down and get the first draft finished.  My goal was to have the whole book in the editing process by the end of this month, but now it looks like I am going to be working on the book into next month.

Father Time is really pissing me off.

Some other news:

- In four weeks, I will know what gender my baby is.  That is super exciting.

- I will be solo-essaying this week for TSAT.  Plan to have your pants ROFL’d off, putos.

- The newest installment of the Call of Duty series, “World At War” is awesome.

- I have decided to stop drinking so much soda.  As soon as I finish the soda I have, I will be an H2O man.

That’s all.  Happy 2009, vatos.

- David C. Garcia

Seriously?  Are you working?  It’s Christmas week, so go dick around on the Internet.  Eff work, it will probably be there next week.  Unless you are being laid off.  Then it won’t.  But, hey!  You can always hit up the Office of Unemployment.

So, stop worrying about feeding your family for a quick second.  Go read the intsant TSAT holiday classic:

A TSAT CAROL

Prison is probably one of the most fascinating things out there.  I watch more shows about prison than I do anything else, and I watch a TON of TV (yes one ton of TV.  I have weighed the amount of TV I watch).  I know all the terminology, and am fairly familiar with the social structure of the place.  So, it’s only appropriate that I forced my personal interests into the most recent TSAT essay.

Yes, folks, in the new TSAT essay, Brandon and I go to prison and actually enjoy it.  And we figured some of you pussies were getting tired of Brandon and I destroying the lives of the humans and animals involved in our essays.  So we went ahead and became the objects of violence and humiliation in this essay.  Are you excited?  Damn right you are.  Go read the newest essay:

WE GO TO PRISON (AND IT RULES)

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THESE STORIES ARE TRUE

Hi there! We hope you dig the new look of TSAT. You eagle-eyed visitors may have noticed the Hall of Heroes link up there. Well, we’ve got a big hosting bill to cover and some other costs to deal with, so we’re giving you the chance to become part of TSAT history by contributing to the cause.

Give a donation, get a bio added to the Hall, and then tell all your friends about how completely awesome you are now. Minimum donation is $5. I bet you can do that. That’s one big ol’ Starbucks drink skipped to keep us in business.

Even if you can’t give to the cause, know that we appreciate you being here nonetheless (or something)

CLICK HERE PLEASE.

Seriously, Brandon and I love this site.  We started writing it a few months ago, and I think we have some devoted fans (or at least worried friends and family members).  We also have the “B-word” on our minds for  sometime in the future, so we need your help.

Here’s the genesis of the most recent TSAT post, WE PITCH HE-ROTIC FICTION.

A few weeks ago, Brandon and I were out getting a burrito from Chipotle.  As do most conversations between us, the topic of discussion, probably something about the fledgling economy, quickly devolved into a back-and-forth about sex and fart jokes.

We were discussing romantic evenings from a guy’s perspective and pretty much decided on what that evening would be.  If you (and you will) read the first excerpt of “He-rotic fiction” mentioned in the essay - the one dealing with a Chipotle burrito, you will pretty much be reading the exact perfect evening Brandon and I decided upon.

So from that little conversation grew the proud oak that is our most recent masterpiece.

And, I am sure most of you are well aware that TSAT essays are nothing but satire, but it warrants repeating:

TSAT ESSAYS ARE SATIRE.

As a precaution, we asked our good friend Amy to be the test audience for our most recent sex-splattered literary creation.  Amy is a hardcore feminist, and she almost crapped her pants laughing at our genius essay.

So go read it.  But before you do that, put a link to These Stories Are True (www.thesestoriesaretrue.com) on your website.  Seriously.

WE PITCH HE-ROTIC FICTION

- David C. Garcia

I am not sure if you all know exactly how much work goes into crafting the each weekly TSAT essay.  Do you know?  No you don’t.  Every week, Brandon and I focus our genius brains as hard as we possibly can, toss all other thoughts aside and delve into the process of creative fact/truth writing.

This week, Brandon and I dove into a concept that spans/blurs interests.  If you are a fan of WW2 history and/or a fan of Super Mario Bros., then you will most certainly love the most recent essay.  It is a factual and brave retelling of the events of World War II as seen through the eyes of Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong and all the rest of those fellas.

Go read it:

EXCERPT FROM A MUSHROOM KINGDOM HISTORY BOOK

Good job on being America, America.  You really made a difference, or something.  You voted (or not) and now we have a new president.

TSAT covered the election last night, breaking new ground all over your face.  For those who participated, we thank you.   If you would like to read the most factual, fair and balanced election coverage ever splattered across the Interwebs, go here:

TSAT LIVE ELECTION COVERAGE