There are like a million things sweeping the Interwebs that frustrate me.  After Al Gore invented the Internet and allowed the masses access to it, the “Correct View of the World” playing field, once held firmly by the sort of intelligent, was tipped in  favor of the incurably retarded.  Want evidence?

MySpace trolls like Mush Mouth have a way to be heard.  

And shit tons of other idiots flock to MySpace dolts like MRSA on a nursing home resident.  It is both unbelievable and unforgivable.

MySpace is just the tip of the Dipshit Iceberg that is the Internet.  And please, don’t get me wrong, there are nuggets of awesomeness in this hulking mass of stupidity we call the World Wide Web.  For instance: My website and everyone else I link to.  I think that’s it, though.  Wait, Snopes is also pretty cool.  I should link to Snopes.

Anyways.  Tip of Dipshit Iceberg.  Right.  The Internet is dumb, and almost everything except my site, the things I link to and Snopes is cool.  Oh, and porn.  But porn is a given.  Anyone who doesn’t like porn is unAmerican and supports the terrorists.  Okay, except for my site, the sites I link to, Snopes and porn, the Internet is a giant trough of idiocy.

Despite just saying that I couldn’t, I went ahead and forgave MySpace for being annoying.  Mainly because Congress wouldn’t answer any of my letters asking them to shut down the MySpace servers and have Tom Anderson bludgeoned to death with a pillowcase of soap bars.  So much for government assistance when it is really needed, right?

But you know what I don’t forgive?  LOLCats.

If the Internet had a 47th chromosome, LOLCats would be the hated malfunction making E-intelligence forever unattainable.  The problem with LOLCats is not so much that it is a series of non-funny kittens saying imbecilic things.  It is not that LOLCats is like Freddy Kruger DJing on the Proper English chalkboard.  It’s that it somehow appeals to so many people.

Mainly girls.  And this is okay.  Girls like things that are in no way enjoyable: The Hills, talking about feelings, jewelry, menstruation.  And just so I don’t get called a sexist, men also like some dumb things…ummm….Sports.  Sports are retarded.

Unfortunately, LOLCats has managed to crush the gender boundary, and I am fully aware of some males who like LOLCats.  I am going to be going to Lowe’s this weekend to get a giant garbage can.  I will place it outside my apartment, and men who like LOLCats can drop by any time, day or night, and deposit their nuts.  They no longer need them (and Carl the Retard needs something else to eat).

LOLCats is an abomination to everything good.  It is horrible, not funny, and someday when more able-minded archaeologists dig up our primitive Interwebs, they will see LOLCats strewn across it and think, “This is why people back then were stupid.”

I am a huge fan of funny things.  The world is a very scary place, with very scary things, and it has to be angled sometimes so that these horrible things can lead to something funny.  LOLCats is not one of these horrible things that can be altered to be funny.  LOLCats is like a fist-fucking by The Incredible Hulk.  No matter what angle The Hulk pivots his fist, it sucks all the same.  LOLCats has taken two very non-funny things: cats doing cat things (I like cats, I just don’t think they are funny) and saying things that would make Corky proclaim “DUMBASS!”  Horrible.

So I have decided to make the concept (repeat: concept) of LOLCats funny.  In true David C. Garcia fashion, I am going to exploit horrible, terrible things and try to make them funny.  This will be a continuing series on this blog, updated weekly or whenever I see a truly funny/horrible picture.

Here’s the first go.  

Take a look at this classic LOLCats image.  Not funny (ladies, go ahead and giggle.  Men, if you giggle, BALLS TRASH CAN!)

Now here is MY rendition of a funny LOL image:

Yes.  Horrible.  But, not laughing ain’t going to feed those little guys.  Go make a donation to Sally Struthers (EDIT: ORIGINAL IMAGE WAS A LOT WORSE, see, even I know when I need to hold back) if you are so righteous.

See you next week for more LOCataclysm.