Here are some titles I considered for this post.

“How My Mom’s Uterus Fucked Up When Growing Me”
“I Think God Was Being A Dick When He Decided To Make Me”
“David C. Garcia: A Study In The Failures and Mishaps of Ethnic Crossbreeding”
“Was Nature Torn On Whether or Not I Should Be a Retard?”

I decided to go with “Five Things About Me That Are All Jacked Up”

1. I’ve Got Mongoloid Hands

Seriously, my hands are all sorts of fucked up looking.  When you look at Freddy Krueger’s hands, you know he is totally badass.  When you look at my hands, you debate whether or not I suffer from some kind of mental retardation.  My hands are stubby and fat and stupid.  I will never be a hand model unless suasagey, stubby, short hands become chic.  Oddly, my little goober hands are exceptionally strong.  When people with normal hands shake mine, I make sure to crush them.  Because I am spiteful.

2. I’ve Got Mongoloid Feet

How is that even possible?  Well it is.  If there is anything more mongoloid-looking than my hands, it’s my feet.  They are totally sweet-looking.  And by “totally sweet-looking,” I mean “appalling and ridiculous.”  They look like Barney Rubble feet.  They look like flattened, tan clay with five dumbass clay “toes.”  My feet suck so badly.  Sheesh.

3. I’m “Husky”

I used to be in really good shape.  Then I stopped drinking and doing speed and switched to eating.  Let’s not mince words.  I am a tubby, fat piece of shit.  I just like to use the word “husky.”  It’s like a euphemism gone totally wrong.  It’s supposed to be a gentle way of saying “fat,” but for some reason it sounds really, really demeaning.  It would probably be kinder to say fat kids like me are “Jabba” or “Doughy.”  Whatever, I’m exercising.  Why?  Well partially for the health aspect but mainly because I am exceptionally vain.  Seriously, there’s nothing dynamic about a fat guy.

4. I’m Hairy Like The Wolf

I’m a fuzzy bitch, and it’s not even remotely charming.  My dog, Sir Rowdimus Megatron, is a hairy beast, and he’s totally adorable.  I’m just hairy and awkward-looking.  It’s not my do or my beard; it’s the fact that I have hair growing all over the rest of my body.  Like my ears and my shoulders.  I started sprouting body hair all over the place when I was like 13.  This likely is not from my dad’s little Mejicano side.  Those little critters are like hairless Chihuahuas.  No, I think I get this from my mother’s commie Russian genes.  I’m like Bigfoot.  Except short and totally weak.  So, I’m like Bigfoot in terms of hairiness.  And possibly smelliness.

5. I’m Bat-Shit Crazy

No seriously, my psyche is completely blended.  I spent over a decade trying to self medicate my mental dysfunction with hard drugs and alcohol, and really it just made things worse.  I take pills because my head is all whack.  I laugh at things that aren’t funny and that just pop in my head.  I sometimes hear people say things even though they are not talking.  I have night terrors.  Rowdy talks to me.  Just kidding.  Or am I?  I’m functional, but I often wonder how my perception of the world is different than normal people.  Whatever.  Back off, man.  I’ll bite/stab you.

- David C. Garcia