An e-mail conversation between Brandon and I:

Brandon: CNN Headlines That Make Me Laugh But Shouldn’t:
WZZM: Bowler rolls perfect game, then dies

David: You’re an asshole.

Brandon: Yep!

David: It would have been cool if the title was Bowler Rolls Perfect Game, Then Dies, Then Gets Raped, Then Learns to Smile Again

Brandon: YES.  Bowler Rapes Ball, Rolls Perfect Game, Dies, Ball Rapes Him, Ball Learns To Smile Again.

David: I want to rape a bowling ball.  Let’s go to the bowling alley.  Do you have condoms?  I have no idea who has put their fingers in those things.

Brandon: I do not have any condoms.  Sorry.  Your plan is foiled.

David: Fine.  I’m just going to rape you, then.  And when I do, you had better be smiling!

Brandon: If you rape me, I swear I will never smile again.  And that will make you so mad, which I’ll enjoy the shit out of, but won’t smile about.

David: I will turn that frown upside down…by raping you upside down.  After I rape you, I am going to rape that sad face off your face by raping you upside down!

Brandon: False.  My mouth will either be a straight line or a perfect circle.  No frowns or smiles.  You don’t get the satisfaction.

David: I will cut a smile into your face, Joker-style, and then rape that smile.
 
You know this can easily be remedied if you go get me some condoms so I can rape a bowling ball.

Brandon: Fine.  I will go get you condoms.  Geez.

David: Suh-weet!

Trying so hard to secure a spot in hell.  An e-mail conversation between Brandon and I.  Disclaimer something, something whatever. 

BRANDON:

CNN Headline That Shouldn’t Make Me Laugh, But Does:

“Commentary: Rape victim learns to smile again”

DAVID:

That just made me LOL.

BRANDON:

We’re horrible, horrible people.

DAVID:

No.  That chick is a horrible person for taking this long to fucking smile.

BRANDON:

That just made me LOL.

**NOTE: Don’t read any further if you are easily offended.**

I am pro-abortion.

And you all say:

What?  Huh?  NO WAY!  You didn’t.  Not the honeymoon baby!

No.  To the best of my knowledge, there is no honeymoon baby, and thus no honeymoon fetus on a coat-hanger.  I just felt I have been blogging boring lately.  As much as you all love my blog, I seriously doubt you find much pleasure in how much I ate over the past three weeks of honeymooning and weddinging (real word) or what kinds of scenic locales I visited in the northeast.*

So, I decided to get back to blogging in true David form.  And dear David usually blogs about being a former booze hound, videogames and  retards.  Not usually abortions, right?  Right.  Well, with respect to the mentally unfit, I found I was overplaying “the retard card” lately, and neglecting the abortion card.**

So there you go — abortions mentioned ever so casually, and David is back!

But, seriously: abortions.  After seeing the amount of retards…Oops, I mean Bostonians driving like idiots in MA, I have come to the conclusion that abortions should be encouraged and more widespread.  There are far too many cretins out on the roads, and maybe if we were a bit more proactive, there would be less ingrates driving around.  There’s only one way to find out: abortions.  Ladies, do what you need to do, but stop those little webbed-footed critters before they rip from your uteri and grow up to be shitty drivers.  We’ll go ahead and wait 16, years, and if there are less bad drivers, we will know my completely well-thought-out plan worked.  Then again, there would be nothing but old people drivers left…

So I guess I am also pro-euthanasia.

And, I won’t just bust on you assholes in New England.  Today, Meggie and I were driving around in Fredericksburg, and some middle-aged guy ran a red light.  How?  Why?  HE WAS TEXTING WHILE DRIVING!  Jesus Christ.  I need to get my time machine fixed, travel back 45 years and feed his mother some Pennyroyal followed by a swift trip down the flight of stairs.  Retroactive abortion!

—

And there you go.  All out of my system.  All vacuumed out like a…Well, you get it.

So, I am delighted to be back.  I am happy to head into more TSAT with Brandon.  I am happy to be back and writing.  I am happy to be back writing on something other than my Blackberry Curve (shameless).  I am also thrilled to be heading into my most daunting writing project yet:  The B-word.

Welcome home, David!

—

And a few extra tidbits:

My newest tattoo is awesome.

Soon, I will now be moving forward into full, right-arm sleeve.

Also, I have decided to set up a new category of exceptionally funny text/IM conversations I have had.  You, know, like THIS GEM.  All of them should be taken with a grain of salt.  Here’s the most recent featuring Brandon and me:

David: We [Brandon, Carmen, Meggie and me] need to take a weekend trip to Salem.  Like a four-day weekend.

Brandon: Alrighty.

David: Are you Downs?

Brandon: Like a Palin baby.

David: Yeah, but way more Downs.  Like a Palin baby but black.

Brandon: Like black Palin Siamese twins.

David:  Like that.  And with Thalidomide deformities and a Flavor Flav edge.

Brandon: Perfect.

———————————————-
*If you do care to know.  I ate A LOT, and visited A LOTter.

** The abortion card, if you are interested, is given at clinics.  It’s like a reward card found at most major retailers.  Get five abortions, and the next one is on the house.  True story.