A few years ago, I was chatting with Rev. Brandon J. Carr, and I mentioned something using the word “origin.”  I probably said something like, “The origin of my badassery is kept secret because of the implications it would have on society and all that we perceive as ‘cool’ and ‘awesome.”  Or something.

“Wait, what did you say?”

“What?”

“How did you say ‘origin’?”

Motherfucker questioning my grammar.  Normally I’d cap a bitch with crazy, silly wit, but I entertained Brandon’s stupid question.

“O-ri-gin,” I said with confidence.

“You mean ‘OR-GIN’?”

“No, stupid.  O-RI-GIN.  It’s pronounced how it’s spelled.  What are you, some sort of retarded…um…retard?”

After a long, heated argument involving repeated use of the words “idiot,” “dolt,” “dick-wrangler” and “cracker” I finally conceded defeat.

I had been using “origin” incorrectly.  Like all the time.  And I say “origin” a lot.

This raised a few questions:

One–How come nobody else ever called me on that?  Was it because people were being nice/didn’t want me to call them a “dick-wrangler?”  Two–How many times had I said “O-RI-GIN” when I was trying to sound all smart?  Three–Why put a fucking “i” in “origin” if I’m not supposed to use it?  That’s so dumb.  And why sound out the “i” when you say “original?”  This shit is way confusing.

It’s standard protocol for me to obsess on things, so the aforementioned questions quickly dissolved, and I began to look at this whole “origin” thing as part of a larger conspiracy.  Against me.  Because I’m not nuts.  And people and things really are out to get me.

Where am I going with this?  I’ll tell you.

It’s my parents’ fault.  They did this to me.

They taught me the word “O-RI-GIN.”  And they did it knowing full well that I would go through life sounding like a complete jackhole.

What the fuck, mom and dad?!

(To be continued…)

When I was in the 8th grade, I picked up a copy of White Zombie’s La Sexorcista: Devil Music Volume 1.  Led by techno-acid-horror-kitsch-retro-art singer, Rob Zombie, it was a take on rock I hadn’t heard before.  I still love that album and all other Rob Zombie music projects that followed.

When I was 25, I watched House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects back-to-back under some very strange, sweaty circumstances.  *giggity*   When I look back on that evening, the circumstances are condemnable at least.  However, the movies are not.  1,000 Corpses and Rejects raised the bar for the slasher flick in a way that Hostel and Saw  tried at but failed.  They played on the basic vulnerable “this could happen to anyone at any time under any circumstance” horror that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre parlayed.  That’s how I saw it anyway.  Plus, Hostel was retarded as shit and the Saw series became too formulaic.  I’ll take Otis Driftwood quoting Charles Manson and wearing your face over Jigsaw the handicapped sadist any day.

Anyway.  Rob Zombie proved (especially with The Devil’s Rejects) that horror is still alive and well if dealt with properly.

Then Zombie did something I wasn’t sure I approved of.  He sought to remake Halloween.  What the hell, right?  I learned about this at the same time that there were talks of remaking Cronenberg’s The Fly (and don’t say it’s a remake of the Vincent Price film, or I will…I don’t know…snap your arm in an arm wrestling match).  

Okay, I didn’t just disapprove.  I was pissed.  Great!  They’re remaking The Fly, possibly my favorite horror movie of all time, and now Rob Zombie is remaking Halloween.  Fucking great, Rob.  Now I have to hate you.

He totally passed, though.  What an amazing job.  He didn’t just “re-shoot” Halloween like Psycho was reshot but with color in the late 90s.  Instead, he paid tribute to the original, reinventing the story from a different and brilliantly shocking angle.  A true reimaging.  Both Halloweens are now seperate and wonderful entities.

Halloween was amazing.  It helped sweeten the soured taste in my mouth of all of the Ringesque movies that promised so much but delivered nothing.

And now, Halloween II is set to chop into the minds of pop horror buffs once again.  August ‘09, putos.  I am so excited about this.  I watched the preview, and I am already sold.

I’m not even second guessing the man again.  A few years ago I said that Rob Zombie may singlehandedly bring back horror.  I’m going to go ahead and retract that statement, especially since Sam Raimi of Evil Dead fame just unleashed Drag Me to Hell.  But I think Rob Zombie is going to be a MAJOR driving force in the reinvention of good horror.

Thanks Rob Zombie.  Keep it up.

-David C. Garcia “ain’t goin’ nowhere, bitch.”