It’s no secret.  I have bladder issues.  I have to urinate frequently.  Like way frequently. 

It’s not that I have a small bladder.  I used to think this was the case, but then I realized that for the first time in my life I was wrong…ish.

I drink tons of liquid, and for the most part, all the liquid is a diuretic.  Soda, coffee….soda.  Some water when Meggie nags me.  When I used to drink, the amount of beer I drank quickly proved the old adage that “you only rent beer.”  It got to be so bad that as I sat in my lonely apartment guzzling beer after 40 after beer after 40 that I would use the empty 40 bottles to piss in so that I didn’t have to make so many trips to the bathroom.  By the way, if you ever find the need to piss into a 40 bottle, choose Hurricane bottles over the others.  The wide mouth on The Natural Disaster really reduces stray urine from spraying on your hands and pets.  On a side note, you know how urine kind of looks like beer?  I have a funny story about that….

So I have to piss regularly and it’s not that my bladder is too small.  I think I just have a really entitled bladder.  If my bladder were a public figure, it would be Paris Hilton.  Totally undisciplined and maybe even a bit retarded.  Always getting what it wants.  And what it wants is to pee all the time.  Right now.  Be right back.

Meggie nagged me incessantly, mainly because the pause button on our DVD remote has been worn down from the amount of times I’ve asked, “Would you mind pushing pause, Toots?  Daddy’s gotta drain his lizard again.”  Finally I caved and agreed to tell my doctor.

And I told him.

And he prescribed DetrolLA to me.

Great.  I don’t mind telling people I’m on crazy pills.  But bitchy bladder pills?  Fuck!

- David C. Garcia, frequent urinator