The Neck Beard: Badassamine Enhancer

“I am so sick of listening to you feeble-minded women.  You don’t know anything, and your opinion is irrelevant.  Especially when it comes to neck beards.”

- David C. Garcia, Badass

*SLAP!*  “You’re such an ass, David!” 

- Meggie Garcia, Wife to a badass

It’s not like I’m being sexist when I say that.  In my entire life, I have only reminded women of their intellectual inferiority like nine or ten thousand times.  No biggie.  Get off my nuts, mamacitas.  You’re pretty much my equal.  I guess.

Seriously, though.  Women’s place is in the kitchen making me nachos and not standing in front of me screaming about how “disgusting” and “funky-smelling” my neck beard is and that I “promised to help around the house.”  Outta my way, lady.  This TV’s not going to watch itself. 

That funky smell, by the way, is the scent of badassery.

That’s right.  Neck beards are for badasses, and women will never understand this because in the history of the XX chromosome, there have only been a groping handful of women who truly exemplify what a badass is.  Starbuck from BSG is the only one who comes to mind. 

Whatever.  Stay focused, ladies, because I am about to drop thick furry science on you.

While little is known about where the badass (Badassimus face-smashicus) gets his power, there is much speculation that it comes from facial hair follicles.  Recent scientific research has revealed that when a badass’ face grows fur, the stimulation of the hair follicles produces “badassamine.”  Badassamine is the chemical that gives us badasses our potency, wit and irresistibility.

This is not to say that facial hair is a requisite for the production of badassamine.  Look at Steve Perry.  That passionate angel of a man has never grown a single whisker and still has the ability to get the ladies mad soggy by hitting that high triumphant note.

For some of us, though, facial hair is an excellent way to ensure that our “bods” (badass word) are packed with enough badassamine to get us through our laborious day of burrito-eating and listening to women talk about their feelings.  I can’t imagine going through the day sans the badassamine like that sniveling pussy Michael Phelps. 

So what do I do?  I grow facial hair.

But I also grow neck hair.

I grow a beard so that I have the badass charm and potency of Billy Mays.  But as my own personal insurance policy, I extend my beard to the far recesses of my lower neck and upper chest.

Listen, ladies.  I know you pretend to be grossed out by the neck beard.  I also know that in reality, you want to lick my furry neck scarf like a lollipop.  This one time, when my neck beard was in full effect, I grabbed Meggie and mega French kissed her.  She loved it so much she ran to the bathroom and vomited.  Yeah, it turned her on that much.

Would I have that raw animal magnetism without the neck beard?  Probably not.

This weekend, I shaved my neck beard.  It felt like I had been castrated.

Never again.

- David C. Garcia, Neck Beard Sporter