As you all know, Meggie and I have a kid on the way. It’s kind of a big deal. His name is Alexander David Garcia. You best recognize.
Today, I was talking with Jess Glass who, like Meggie, will also be crotch-barfing a kid out soon. She has yet to pick out a name for her still-gestating goober, and we got to talking about what kinds of names would be best for her little guy. As with any discourse I am involved in, the conversation quickly devolved from a legitimate subject into something no classier than fart and dick jokes:
Names that suck.
Using my giant mongoloid fingers, I bashed the URL for Behind the Name into the Interwebz-searchy-bar-thingamabob, and in a flash, I was whisked away to a wonderland of names, many of which are suitable and noble. I wasn’t interested in that sort of pomp, though. I wanted to search for names that blow sack.
Jess rolled her eyes and either chuckled or called me a “pig-headed douche bag.” I’m not sure. When women speak it just sounds like nails on a chalkboard. I told her to shut her dumb woman face.
Like I said, there are noble names. There are names that command respect. There are names that say, “I’m Adolf, and I’m a born leader” or “I’m Saddam, you can trust me” or “I’m Gerardo, give me a blowjob.”
Then there are names like Ethan. Seriously? Ethan? What parent in their right mind thinks, “I love my kid and want him to have a wonderful life. I want him to be respected by his fellow man, and I want the ladies to throw themselves at him. I think I will name him Ethan.” Fuck that. Your little Ethan, cute as he may be is going to grow up to be a sniveling shithead, and everyone is going to hate him. Wanna know why? Well….um…I don’t know. He just will be. Ethan is an assnose name.
And with that, I give you the list of other names that suck real bad. And in case you are wondering, “Broseph” is not a name, but if it was, it would be a doucheface name.
Glenn: The name just sucks. If you want your kid to be pasty, crusty-nosed and asthmatic, name him Glenn. I’m not sure what the etymology of the name is because I was too lazy to read it, but I’m sure it’s Gaelic for “Half drowned.”
Gaylord: DO NOT name your kid Gaylord. Don’t. It sucks, but homophobia still has its thick, nasty, rednecky claws embedded in our culture. Name your kid Gaylord, and he is going to be ridiculed more than Vanilla Ice with MS. Except, little Gaylord’s not going to try and kill himself. He’s going to try and kill you. And when he’s done playing in your blood and chewing on your innards, he is going to go on a tri-state rampage. Gaylord: The most dangerous name in the world.
Cookie/Candi/Stormy: All of these names have an Old English etymological root: prostitute. In 18 years later, she’ll be lubricating the stripper pole with her tears and some crusty biker’s dick with her mouth. Don’t give your precious daughter a whore name.
And speaking of precious:
Precious: Don’t name your kid Precious. Or Princess. These names are actually for annoying lap dogs, not your imbecilic kid.
Lars: I have always loathed this name. Always. The minute I was able to hate, I hated this name. It has nothing to do with that fuckmouth Lars Ulrich. Though, I’m sure he would have been a lot cooler if his name was something more acceptable like Steve Ulrich or Jake Ulrich.
Double names like John Paul or Juan Diego: You greedy shits. Pick ONE name. Or at least pick a more suitable greedy double name like Absolom Eliezer. Yeah, I just went there, you humorless shits.
Chance: You know that one kid you went to high school with who was a complete asshole but somehow gained an unnatural popularity? You know how you hated him and wanted him to get hit by a car? You know how that happened and you were totally happy and celebrated with a delicious burrito from Chipotle? You know how you never knew his name? His name was Chance.
Olga: My great grandmother’s name was Olga. I am pretty sure my mom considered naming me Olga if I had been born a girl. Maybe she considered it regardless. This in itself tells me my mother may have hated me a bit. Olga seems like the medical term used to describe the fibroids on the Tree Man. Don’t name your kid Olga.
Apple or any other ridiculous non-name name: Just don’t. Gwyneth Paltrow and her toolbag Coldplay husband are not cool, but at least they’re famous. Name your kid Apple, and I’m calling the Department of Family and Children’s Services and telling them a legitimate retard is raising a kid.
So, there are some names you should not give your kid. I hope that helped.
As a closing note, though, I’d like to recommend that the following name be brought back with unparalelled gusto: Ebenezer. How fucking cool would it be to have a kid with that name? “Hi, I’m David. This is my wife, Meggie. And here is our little badass kid, Ebenezer. Don’t fuck with him.”
- David C. Garcia, Name Expert
I still think “Skyler” should have made it on that list. But he’s be in the same category as Chance.
I think the name Ebenezer rules. I also think little Ebenezer Glass would hate me forever for making him share a name with the biggest scrooge in all of literature. I’m also a fan of the name Makepeace. I mean, not for my kid. But for someone’s kid.
i like the name Myles, as in Myles Standish. but Myles Garcia just………it’s just wrong
Hortense.
Robyn: We’ll include that if I get around to doing “Vol. 2: Revenge of the Retarded Name”
Jess: Name your kid Ebenezer! You will get a year’s supply of fresh cool points from your’s truly.
Mom: Myles would be physically assaulted in school so hard. That’s making the next list.
A2: Wow. On the new list. Ouch. Worse than Gaylord, possibly.
My mother’s room mate in boarding school was Ada Roach. No lie. Only second to a lesbian friend of mine, Ada Glasscock. Don’t name your daughters “Ada.”