I was going to post a piece called “Things I Fucked When I Was a Kid” today. 

These past few days have been way too serious for me, though.  I’m not a big fan of serious.  So today, there is no serious writing.  I am going to cleanse the air with some good ol’ fashioned side-splitting, ass-coughing fart humor.

I recently created a new station on Pandora called “Edna’s Favorite Chair in the Nursing Home” so that I can listen to soul-soothing soft-rock jams from the 60s, 70s and 80s.  And I started thinking about the really nitty-gritty gross details of my favorite musicians of yore.

I sometimes play this game where I think, “What kind of face does this person make when he or she cums?”  “What size crap does this person drop and what does it smell like?”  Well, as I was listening to Jim Croce croon “Time in a Bottle” I wondered what his farts smell like:

They smell like unwashed gym socks packed with tainted meat and Mahatma Ghandi.  And they they lingered.  Jim Croce, when you weren’t being compacted in a fuselage, your farts probably cleared a room and kept it clear… Wait!  Did you tear ass on that plane and knock those pilots out, Jim Croce?

John Denver.  I mean, you would think John Denver didn’t fart.  You know, like women and Jesus.  He did, though.  He did.  When John Denver farted, his ass coughs smelled like baby angels.  Soaked in whiskey.

If The Bee Gees vocalization is an indication of how their farts smelled, then their farts smelled like vinegar.  Sharp and nauseating.

Neil Diamond farts all the time.  Why?  His farts are filled with pheromones and passion.  When he farts, women get wet.  When Neil Diamond needs a beej, all he has to do is walk up to a woman, kick up his knee and let one loose.

Michael McDonald’s farts smell boring and ordinary.  They are the kinds of farts that might get your parents’ attention but for the most part are just run-of-the-mill gross.

And finally, Steve Perry.  As you all know, I consider Steve Perry to be a badass’ badass.  Steve Perry is like the voice box of god on earth.  And his farts are pretty much the olfactory equivalent.  When Steve Perry farts, it smells like triumph.  It’s the smell that happens after wars are won.  When records are broken, there is the lingering stench of Steve Perry’s butt roar.

I would now like to open this up to all of you.  Have fun.  I’m going to go think of something serious/important to write.

- David C. Garcia, fart analyst