Dear Agent,
I wrote a book. It’s called Shedding the Reptile: A Memoir. You can tell from the title that it’s a memoir. I wanted to make that clear. That’s why I didn’t title it Shedding the Reptile: A Cookbook. Incidentally, it has nothing to do with reptiles. Rather the title is derived from our reptilian brain. Well, not really derived. What I mean is that the title references the human reptilian brain, not that it is actually derived from a reptilian brain like some gross extract. You probably already know that though, right, Agent?
Awesome.
Anyway, my book, right? Pretty cool, huh? I included between five and 30 sample pages, depending on who you are and whether my boss was lurking around the corner while I misappropriated company stationary. As you can see from the onset, my book is going to kick your ass right in the balls. It’s a true story about how I fucked and drank and did speed and stole and traveled and then fucked some more while drinking until I almost died (all the while trying to find love). It’s a family book. I sent my grandma a copy, and she hasn’t died yet, so I think it’s probably safe to give to the elderly.
It’s not a very happy book, obviously. Think about the worst day you have ever had and then multiply that by some huge number. That’s pretty much the feel of the book. But there is some humor. For instance, when I wrote about an abortion, I said….
Wait, you just go ahead and read that part, okay Agent?
In all seriousness, though, Agent. I really, REALLY want this book to be published. As nasty and disgusting as it is, it is redemptive. It will be even more redemptive when you decide to represent me and I can give you the sequel which is far more light-hearted and addresses my clumsy child-like experiences in dealing with sobriety.
Then again, you can just give me the old standby, “This is not really something that I can put all my strengths into. Good luck, though.” If so, I am probably going to go on a murderous rampage followed by an outlandish suicide involving levers, pulleys and a pickaxe. That’s not redemptive at all, is it Agent.
Anyway, Agent. Take care. Enjoy my book, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Keeping it real,
David C. Garcia
Dear Mr. Garcia,
We are not interested in publishing your book. However, if you would like to submit a detailed account of the events to follow our rejection, we would like to publish that. Not redemptive, perhaps, but lucrative. We have already sold the movie rights to Lifetime television.
Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Agent
Unfortunately, most agents have their asses fixed early in life, so while a kick in the area where said ass’s balls might be would be uncomfortable, I don’t believe it will have the impact you desire.
Um, this is awesome and you should probably start sending it out.
I’m new here and this gave me a laugh. I have a book coming out in about 6 weeks. I went through my inbox a few days ago and made sure I sent a link to the presale page to every agent who didn’t feel like I was the right “niche” for them, just to let them know someone did. Afer all, they all said in those nifty e-mails that they wished me the best of luck. I owed it to them to follow through with an update, right?
Good luck!