Dear Earth,
Today all these retards are celebrating how awesome you are. People are rejoicing your rivers, saluting your forests, praising your atmosphere.
Not me, Earth. Today, I hate you harder than ever. Don’t get me wrong. I hate you all the time, but today, I am putting as much effort into hating you as I possibly can.
When I came into work today, dressed in a Styrofoam suit, one of your retarded fans asked me what my beef with you is. I’ll tell you what my problem is, Earth. Wait. I’ll tell you what my PROBLEMS with you are.
First: Ever since Al Gore made his insipid crockumentary, An Inconvenient Truth, I’ve had to recycle. I hate recycling. It’s stupid and it is totally inconvenient. I drink A LOT of soda, and instead of just throwing my cans into the trash or on the floor or into a nature preserve where they belong, I have to walk ALL THE WAY to the recycling bin. That takes like 10 seconds. Like I said, I drink a lot of soda, and those seconds add up. Trying to take away MY life Earth? I don’t think so, bitch.
Second: Whenever I turn on the TV, I have to watch these retarded “green” commercials. One or two is only slightly annoying, but like soda, I watch A LOT of TV, and I end up having to see like a zillion stupid commercials on how I can keep your shit clean. You’ve been around for like 4.5 billion years, Earth. Something tells me you can deal with me using CFC and DDT-laced aerosols so that my feet don’t itch. Fuck off, Earth. Quit making people air these commercials.
Third: You act like you are all benevolent, but let me point something out, Earth: volcanoes. Volcanoes, while badass, kill like tons of people all the time. I know this for a fact because I saw it happen in Dante’s Peak. How come people are spending all this time protesting tire-burning and carbon-footprints when volcanoes are exploding all over the place? I’ll tell you why, Earth. It’s a corporate-backed conspiracy, and you are involved. You are a dickface, Earth.
Fourth: While I’m on the subject of disasters, let me point out some other shit you let happen: extinction of the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs kick ass. I do more polluting in one day then those sweet, sweet GIANT lizards did during a hundred-million year period. If you are so cool, Earth, why didn’t you move out of the way when that gigantic asteroid was coming at you? AND, if your stupid atmosphere is so cool why did it trap all that dust and make the dinosaurs stop breathing fire and eating cavemen?
I could go on and on, Earth. But it obviously won’t do any of us any good. So I’ll tell you what I am going to do, you round piece of shit:
I am going to take like 30 dumps today, and I am going to use an entire roll of toilet paper to wipe my ass each time. I’m not even going wad it up. I’m just going to use the whole roll to wipe my ass. Obviously, the roll won’t flush, so what I am going to do is douse each roll in gasoline and then light it on fire. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m still going to flush 10 or 11 times per dump.
If you have a problem and want to step, Earth, that’s fine by me. I will be in my apartment this evening stomping on endangered animals and leaving all the lights on.
Sincerely,
David C. Garcia
And then, after you killed the dinosaurs, you made wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers, two totally badass animals, and then you went and slaughtered them, too. Come on! A furry elephant? dang, man. A tiger with even bigger, sharper teeth? I wanted a pet mammoth, but nooooo, none for me. Stupid Earth.
You make a lot of good points here. I’ll be curious to see Earth’s rebuttal.
You forgot to mention when Earth gives us nice weather. I effing hate that.
Dinosaurs don’t breathe fire. Dragons do. You just pointed out dragons did exist at one time. YEAH!
Its times like this I remember George Carlin, “the Earth is fine, its the people that are fucked.” Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.