Dear MC Hammer,
I’m sure you won’t actually read this, but I figured I would try and reach you this way.
What happened to you, man? Two months ago, you were totally cool. When I replied to one of your Twitter tweets about some music video you made, you totally replied back. We had a conversation, man. You said something in 140 characters or less, and I replied in kind (minus the 9 characters your name takes up in an @ message). Then you totally replied to me. It was magical.
What happened to that magic, MC Hammer?
More importantly, MC Hammer, what happened to us? Before Twitter, you and I were totally inseparable.
Like remember that one time a few years ago when we built that giant robot and drove it to 7-Eleven to buy nachos? Oh, man, that was so awesome. How you learned to drive that giant robot still cracks me up.
Okay okay. Fine, MC Hammer. Fine. There was no giant robot.
Okay, whatever, that was all made up. What I meant to say was, “Remember that time a few years ago when I was listening to Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em on that Walkman I got from the retarded guy in exchange for a dead squirrel I found and then stole some nachos from 7-Eleven? And even though you were not there with me in person, I could hear you rapping through that retard’s pudding-caked headphones. And really, I couldn’t hear anything because the retard ate the batteries. And really, Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em was not even in the Walkman. It was Vanilla Ice’s To The Extreme. And I was still drinking at the time. A lot.” Remember that?
Fine, MC Hammer, be that way. Listen, Broseph, I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. You know, like when you would tweet about something I don’t really care about and I would reply just so I could tell my buddies I was chatting with MC Hammer. Remember that one time that happened like two months ago? Yeah. That shit was totally um…fly. And dope. And I was um… illin’ after that.
I miss us, MC Hammer. We were totally like Starsky & Hutch or Beavis & Butthead or um.. @davidcgarcia & @MCHammer. Remember that? Now I’m just some random @whomever to you. Sheesh, MC Hammer. Way to hurt a guy.
You know what really stings, though? You decided to start following my friend, Brandon. Oh look, it’s @MCHammer and @brandonjcarr hanging out. Kickin’ it old school. Oh, where’s @davidcgarcia? Oh, he’s over there in the corner, staring intently at the TwitterBerry application on his phone, dehydrating from the tears of loneliness and betrayal as he waits for MC Hammer to say something to his dozens of pointless and possibly harassing tweets. That’s right, MC Hammer. You betrayed me, homeboy.
Hammer, you did hurt em…err…me.
Whatever. Hit me up sometime, man. We should start hanging again. And building robots.
Your pal,
@davidcgarcia
This makes me think of McSweeney’s! They publish a lot of really funny open letters. Well done!