There are a number of things that perplex me:
Christian Rock
Economic cars with high-end upgrades
The Hills
Fauxhawks
The name “Chance”
Hentai porn
Carpenter pants
Going “green”
Meat-flavored meat substitutes
Rent-to-own
Live strong/any kind of douchey rubber bracelet (insert safe-distance cause)
Creed/Nickelback
Dane Cook/Carlos Mencia/Larry The Cable Guy
Kwanzaa
Chihuahuas being considered “dogs”
Pop Art
And now there’s one other thing: That fucking douchemouth white college kid at Giant yesterday who was wearing a goddamned Rasta hat.
I hate Rastafarianism, Reggae, dreadlocks, Jamaica. Fuck it. I hate the entire goddamned Caribbean. Nothing personal. It’s just that Africa and the Pacific Islands are too far away to hate. I’ll take the Caribbean to hate. How can you hate the Caribbean, David? I’ll tell you why. Jamaica is there, and Jamaica is where Rasta hats come from. I think. Whatever. I choose to think Rasta hats come from the Jamaica, though. Bite me.
And there’s really no reason I should hate Rasta hats. Well, except that they look ridiculous. They’re not even hats. They’re just multi-colored bags. Hats have brims or at least some sort of actual hat form. Rasta “hats” are not hats any more than Scientology is a religion.
All right. Deep breath, David. It’s okay.
Anyway. If there is anything more annoying that the Caribbean or Jamaica or Scientology or Rasta “hats,” it’s loudmouthed, white liberal arts college kids who wear Rasta hats. White kids who wear Rasta hats are equally if not more confusing than black guys who wear Klan attire or tall Mexicans. It’s just not right.
So yesterday, I stopped by Giant to pay an exorbitant amount of money on taco shells and other assorted Mexicanesque food because with the last name Garcia, I am ethnically obligated to eat over-spiced, corn-based food.
The store was busy because it was a bit gusty outside, and whenever there is even a hint of non-placid weather in Virginia, these pussies scramble to the store to stock up on food, fearing God plans to trap them in their homes for weeks on end. I got into the 15-items or less lane. A few seconds later, this lanky dickmouth wearing fancy leather coat, sporting a well-groomed goatee and donning a shitty Rasta hat got in line behind me. And he was WHITE!
White kid, nice leather jacket Mom and Dad bought, a well-groomed goatee. AND A FUCKING THIRD-WORLD RASTA HAT! The absurdity/irony did not escape me. Even before this kid opened his dipshit mouth, I was praying someone would shoot him in the face with a big old cancer AIDS gun. GRRRR!
What most people refer to the “big things” don’t generally bother me. It’s these “little things” that weigh me down emotionally and make my blood pressure rise to near fatal levels.
I took a deep breath and pretended the kid wasn’t there.
Then he opened his mouth. Two customers down, some lady was loading well over 15 items onto the conveyor. It didn’t bother me. I assume most people are just stupid, and I figured she couldn’t read the “15 items or less sign” much less count to 15. Apparently, it bothered my little white Rastafarian pal.
Out loud, so everyone in line could hear, he pointed out. “That’s…umm…That’s over 15 items there…” He said it with a slow and apparent passive aggressive drawl that would have made Bill Lumbergh proud. I let it slide.
But a few seconds later:
“I guess some people just can’t follow the rules.” Again, loud and apparent.
My heart pumped docuhebag antibodies through my system. On the plus side, I would not be infected. The problem is that these antibodies cause extreme frustration.
“Listen, dude.” I turned around and got an eyeful of Rasta hat. “She can hear you. Everyone can hear you. Get over it.”
“I have a class at 7, and now I’m going to be late.”
I made a quick character assessment of this asshole. Passive aggressive, young, attention seeking. There was no way he would actually get physical, so I pushed him further.
“Listen, Bob Marley. If your class is so important, just come back. For fuck’s sake. Just go away and stop spewing the idiocy.”
Whenever I engage in confrontational behavior, my adrenaline rushes, and I felt my insides tremble a bit.
“Whatever, man.”
“Seriously. Just go, stupid.”
White guy with Rasta hat walked away, and I felt vindicated. I could have sworn he uttered “Fuck you” as he strolled off with his “cool guy” swagger.
Ultimately it wasn’t this kid’s loud-mouthed antics that got to me.
It was his ridiculous Rasta hat.
Fuck you, kid. I hope you get Alzheimer’s.
- David C. Garcia
So funny – I’m still laughing. My kid – who hangs out with white guys who wear Rasta hats – is not so amused.
I am laughing and crying, Emily, even without a kid in the immediate vicinity to temper the emotions!
By the way, I do know a guy named “Chance” who is a very good tattoo artist in town. I do eat meat-flavored meat substitues (Sloppy Faux is what I call it). AND, when I was much, much younger (we’re talking the ’70s here), I did wear carpenter pants and if I had the figure for them today, I would wear them today. So there.
Carpenter pants are awesome. I might buy some this weekend. Heh.
Maybe we can go shopping together . . . . and we’ll buy David a pair, too. He really wants them, you know.
I don’t care if you two buy all the carpenter pants in the world. It won’t change the fact that they confuse me. I don’t HATE them. I just have no clue why someone who isn’t a carpenter needs a freaking hammer loop on their pants.
Carry on, ladies.
you should design a video game. the enemies are all the biggest stereotypical douchebags in the universe, and their douchebagger inspires Hulk-like rage, and STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!
douchebaggery, rather.
Whoops! I meant cargo pants. I want storage!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I am at a loss for words, all i can do is laugh!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAA HA
you’ve simply got problems homie
Don’t you hate the stereotypical Shitbag Mexican that writes “homie” as if someone really cared?
No one is your homie shitface, not even your “cholo” wannabe buddies.. Go punch a lion in the face, and do the world a favour.
I like the guys with low riding Corollas who put a bit Soy Boriqua decal in their back window. Yeah no shit chico I think we figgered that one based on your dorky ride and the daddy yankee at 100,000,000 decibals.
Reading this so called blog brings two emotions to mind. One is immediate hatred for you, and the second, pity for your lack of intelligence.. Not dramatic my feeling of pity for you, simply an emotional “buddy” system if you will where hatred is accompanied by a rational emotion as balance. I read your “laundry list of “perplexing things” your tiny brain cannot understand, and I am not surprised. A “small picture” person as yourself has yet understand how the world works. It would appear that your Fascist rant about Rasta hats originated or was exacerbated by your encounter with one during a stressful time. Some can blame you for your moronic lack of adequate time management skills. When I call you Fascist, I do not want you to think I’m calling you gay. Fascism has nothing to do with clothes, that would be a Fashionist.. A narrow minded Garcia like you would most likely make that mistake.
When people rant about a hated hat, or a pair of pants, they send a very clear message to those who stumble upon this hate message, “I am disturbed and need help” Well, I am not here to help, I am here as your antitheses. First of, you are a Faggot, not because of your male to male preference, but your lack of intelligence. What you call as “unnatural” in a “Mexican’s” height, intelligent folk call genes. Everyone (not Southern or brain dead) knows that your height is determined by genes, not your strong feelings towards tall or short. One of the few Mexican-Americans in NASA happens to be part of a relatively tall family.
Now we have arrive at the most ironic segment of your retarded message. No Moronic, Common Mexican name David Garcia, I will not not ask of you to explain to me why you hate the Caribbean. I am here to show you why you’re a Fascist and an extremist that needs to be silenced (or euthanized). When I read people’s work, I read their name first, or a bio (if it happens t0 exist), why? because its easier to judge a horrible piece of scrabbled up words jotted down while masturbating to a mirror, when we know the person’s name. As a person with common Hispanic name, you should have a bit of understanding of how the New world came to be.. Slave trade. If you say you hate the Caribbean, then by definition you hate all Black people. That simply makes you a racist fuck. Just in case your feeble mind did not know, There are more countries in the Caribbean that Jamaica. All victims of the slave trade. Then we have the main lands, divided unequally amongst the Europeans, with similar problems than that of the tiny islands, except that with the natives, or brown people. Yes, that means you and your parents (0r one, if he or she wanted new meat). But why hate Africa and the Pacific islands in the first place? do you hate Black people and Asian looking Brown people, should I track you down and take you to predominately black neighborhood and shove you in until you’re beaten into common sense? I should do that, where do you live? aside from inside your own racist ego.
Now we arrive at the heart of this anti racist rant. The rasta hat. First off brown shirt, unlike the shit holes in South America and Central, we are all free to express ourselves publicly. If a guy wants to wear a Rasta hat, its his goddamn right to do so. If he wants to narrate his discontent with a moronic shopper whom cannot obviously read a simple walmart sign, he has the right to do so.. He is voicing his contentment towards idiots like you, and by that definition, he’s a great thinker. If you’re late to class, or believe that could potentially be, guess what ass hole? Go to class. Don’t go around hillbilly mart first. This just proves how idiotic you are.
Now, to conclude. I suggest you find a good psychoanalyst that can perform ECT on you, and remove that racist fascist way of thinking.. Suggesting people who wear a hat ought to be killed for no logical reason is itself illogical.. And if Logic is life, you need to die.
Comments approved.
Here is the definition of fascism
Here is the definition of humor
Here is the definition for long-winded
Have a nice day!