Last night, Meggie and I were talking, and she called me an elitist. She said my elitism is even more pronounced when I get around Rev. Brandon J. Carr.
“Sometimes, when you two get around each other, it drives me nuts. You two egg each other on. It’s like you guys think you are better than everyone and everything.”
Whatever. She just doesn’t get it.
Anyway, in one way or another, our conversation quickly turned to the subject of my recent blog in which I suggest, no STATE, that carpenter pants are ridiculous.
“How are carpenter pants ridiculous? What is wrong with you? Is there nothing that is good enough for you?”
“You are, babe. You’re good enough for me. Everything else, however, is wrong.”
——-
So here’s another post about clothes. Jesus. My site is becoming a fashion blog. Today’s subject is pants. I’ll be going through a short list of pants that are wrong/ridiculous/stupid/nonsensical/etc. and explaining why I feel this way about them and why you should too.
CARPENTER PANTS
Are you a carpenter? No? Then don’t wear carpenter pants! Look at them. There’s a loophole for a hammer and some stupid pocket for a ruler or some other tool carpenters use. These pants are for holding tools, and unless you are a carpenter wearing these pants, YOU are the tool. I’m going to start calling people out for wearing these things. Like if I’m out in public getting nachos or doing something else awesome, and I see someone wearing these pants, I am going to ask them to build me something like a barn. If they refuse, I will call them out for being a fraud.
Carpenter pants are for tools!
JNCO JEANS/GIANT PANTS
These pants became popular in the early 90s when I was still a retarded teenager. Don’t get me wrong, I was a relatively awesome/totally badass teenager, but I was still a docuhebag. It’s part of life. There is no such thing as a teenager who isn’t in one way or another plagued with elements of douchebaggery. Look it up. That’s a fact.
I remember I had a pair of Jnco jeans when I was in 9th grade. This was before this particular style of pants had exploded in both popularity and size. Nevertheless, they were still a bit bigger than normal pants. I wore the pants to school one day. When I got to school, wearing said jeans, my prom date told me she was cancelling our date so she could kick it with the Nigerian kid. Then I failed all my classes. And then the principal LITERALLY beat the shit out of me. It was obvious these pants were not the right fit.
Jnco jeans and other giant jeans are stupid. And they have only gotten bigger and dumber. I was driving downtown the other day, and I saw some kid wearing Jnco-style pants. He had like 1,000 pieces of metal stuck in his face and an attitude that screamed, “I smoke pot out of apples, and my fascist mom and dad can’t do a thing about it!” When I passed by this kid, the wind blew part of the jeans into my line of view. I got so mad that I pulled over and threw the 90-lb brat in 50-lb. jeans into a garbage truck.
CAPRI PANTS
Capri pants are dumb. I am a big fan of committal, and these fashion abortions are the most non-committal things I have ever seen. Are they pants? Are they shorts? I’ll tell you what they aren’t: cool. Capri pants make me want to throw bunnies and kittens and angels into a freshly-stoked furnace.
The only thing worse than a chick wearing capri pants is a dude wearing capri pants. I read an article about a group of gay dudes who beat the shit out of a guy who was wearing capri pants because the guy was too gay looking. True story.
PLAID PANTS/GOLF PANTS
Like Terri Shiavo, these things have died sooner. Like in the 70s. And then burned. And then buried. Forever. Plaid pants are so annoying; I actually suffered an aneurysm searching for pictures of them. Why do these hipsters think it’s cool to wear golf pants? Oh my God, I am so pissed that golf pants exist that I may actually take a trip to Aokigahara Forest and end it all.
The only person who is allowed to wear golf pants remain awesome is Rodney Dangerfield. And he’s dead.
SUPERTIGHT EMO PANTS/SKINNY JEANS
Fail.
- David C. Garcia
“Capri pants make me want to throw bunnies and kittens and angels into a freshly-stoked furnace.”
Awesome.
maaaan….
Jess: I mean it. Or something.
Emily: “maaaan…”?
Yeah. I love my capris! Capris are great for us old ladies who want to wear shorts but don’t want to scare people with our old lady legs. Or maybe women my age are really full of commitment issues. Hmmmm….Ok, I’m stopping now. You can thank me later.
I would never say that you and Brandon think you’re better than everyone else or that you egg each other on.
…I mean, it’s completely true, but I would never say it.
Capris, no capris, PC, or no PC, the truth is that I like the way a shapely woman looks from behind in the pants. Maybe not in public but, in private smack that ass! That my two cents on the subject.
I have high waisted bell bottom disco plaid pants from 19-seventy something that I bought for $2. They are the most awesome pants ever.
I agree with you about all of the other pants, though.
hmm… bookmarked :)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jnco jeans. You’re right at some point all teenagers are D-bags.
Dude you got it wrong, ur still a douchebag. You’ve just about dissed every teenage subculture. I wonder what are you, a basement dweller? a keyboard warrior?