I started smoking when I was 15 years old.  Right after school one day.  Marlboro Reds.  I didn’t take a half-drag off of the cigarette and just hold the smoke in my mouth.  You know, like a pussy.  I inhaled all 200+ smoke-insulated toxins.  I didn’t cough.  I smoked all 20 of those cigarettes before I went home that day.

To say I have an addictive personality is an understatement.  I don’t “dabble” in anything I do.  I exceed and exhaust.  I smoked the shit out of some cigarettes.

It bothers me when people say that kids just start smoking because they think it will make them cool.  That’s every kids MO - to be cool.  Everything a kid does, from smoking to making fun of the nerdy kid in class to the douchey cloths they wear is because they want to be cool.  So, of course I thought I was being cool when I started smoking.  I kept smoking, though, because I liked it.  I loved it.  I liked the way it smelled and tasted and felt.

But, at some point, as I chain-smoked cigarette after cigarette, I assured myself that I would stop smoking before I hit 30.  The reason?  I read somewhere that people who quit smoking before the age of 30 will face limited to no complications associated with a history of smoking.  Not sure if this is true or not.

Either way, I am 29.  I’ll be 30 in September this year.  I also have a little baby on the way, and I’d like to be a smoke-free dad.

I am not discounting smoking.  Smoking WAS cool.  I liked it.  It gave me something to do when I was bored.  It gave me a reason to take breaks at work.  It gave me something to do when I was driving.  I bonded with other people who smoked, and many times these first interactions occurred solely on the fact that we both smoked.  I got laid a few times just by bumming a smoke to some chick or sitting down with a girl who smoked.

Smoking, in other words, has done some cool things.  Smoking IS cool.  I just decided to stop now.

So, I have been rocking the patch.  I used the patch before, and I stayed smoke-free for over three months.  It works well.  The only reason I think I started up again is because I was drinking.  Booze and smokes go together like Charlie Manson and crazy.  Now that I am booze-free, I am finding it to be almost a cake walk not smoking.  Also, I am fully aware of what real withdrawals are.  A “nic-fit” is nothing compared to shaking and puking on a cold floor because you haven’t had a drink.

One thing that does baffle me is when people say that using the patch is not quitting.  True and false.  True.  I have not quit my nicotine intake.  However, I have a controlled dosage of nicotine going into my system, and it is gradually removed while I break the whole ritualistic habit of smoking.  That in itself is weird.  I am so used to lighting up after dinner, after an hour, after pooping, after whatever.  I have these strange urges - kind of like people with phantom limbs.  I have phantom urges.  Not cravings.  Just urges.  I feel like I am supposed to go smoke.  So, the patch helps me cope with that while I slowly wean myself off of cigarettes with what is essentially tobacco methadone.

I’m a cocky, arrogant, undeservedly self-assured guy, but I can safely say I will not smoke again.

On a totally unrelated note that completely contradicts my statement about smoking being cool - I have no idea why people who are adults start smoking.  When I was a young impressionable self-destructive teen, it was easy to smoke.  How do people who are fully aware of the ramifications of smoking actually pick up the habit?  If you are not a full-on nicotine addict by the time you reach legal smoking age, I have no idea why you would actually smoke.

- David C. Garcia

I went to CVS today to buy the patch so I can quit smoking.  It’s a nice day, so I wasn’t surprised with the vagrant standing outside with a sign that said, “WE NEED HELP.  GOD BLESS.”  Bums always come out when the weather is nice.

I have no problem helping people who NEED help.  Seriously.  If this dude had no legs or was blind I would have kicked him a buck or two.  I’m on a budget right now, so that would have been the max.

But this guy was completely able-bodied.  He stood there looking more confident than a bum should look, one leg crossed over the other as he “cool guy leaned” on the wall.

GRRR.

I walked up to him.

“Hey.  It’s nice outside.  I’ll give you five…ten bucks if you wash my car.”

Seriously, he didn’t even have to go job hunting.  I brought the job to him.

“No.”  That’s all he said.

“Really?  Ten bucks to wash my car.”

“No.”

This just pissed me off, so I reminded the guy of the old American adage “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“I’m not going to wash your car.”  Okay, so he was able to say more than “no.”

I didn’t want to go any further.  I was pissed and confused.  I think I was about one more “no” from losing my shit and making a scene.

Too proud to wash my car?  I don’t know.  Lazy?  More likely.  He had a sweet gig.  All he has to do is stand outside with his bum sign and beg for free tax-free loot while the rest of America has to actually go to work and likely do jobs they can’t just say “no” to.

Damn, the homeless piss me off sometimes.

I was all ready for the guy to start spouting off some shit about the economy.  I was ready.  There’s a McDonad’s down the road that I know for a fact is hiring.  “Goddammit, bum.  If you can make a bum sign, you can make a fucking cheeseburger.”

I am so tired of this handout bullshit.  Join the rest of America’s ranks, get a job and accrue unhealthy amounts of debt like the rest of us.

I almost wanted to tell this bum to get a job robbing people.  At least that way there would be some sort of justification for the excessively large police force in Fredericksburg City.  Yes, I am advocating crime.  We have so many cops in this relatively peaceful city.  There is no reason for us to have this many police.  Everytime I go to 7-Eleven, not only do I see homeless hanging out begging me for cigarettes an change, but I also see like 10 cops standing around reading the paper and chatting with that fat, retarded clerk.  Isn’t loitering illegal officer?

Oh Christ, I need to run for office in this city and bring real change we need.  Not for you, bum.  No change for you.  Get a job.

Ugh.  And another thing.  There’s a dog park next to my apartment.  I have a small bladder and typically stop at the portable Jon next to said dog park when I take Rowdy for a walk.  I like to read when I go to the bathroom, so when I used this particular porta-Jon a few months ago, I noticed some poorly scrawled graffiti on the wall of said stall.  It said, “The city can build a dog park, but it can’t feed the homeless.”

One of two people wrote this.  Either some retarded college kid who is fighting the good fight while mom and dad pay for him/her to get educated.  Or a bum.  If it’s the latter, the bum obviously has the ability to write - albeit poorly.

It pissed me off, though.  Why the fuck should the city feed the homeless?  I pay taxes so that I have a park I can bring my dog to and so that police officers can stand around not arresting people.  Listen, bum.  When you start actually working, I will take your ridiculous scribblings seriously.  And if some dipshit college kid wrote that - I’m telling your parents you smoke pot, Junior.

“No, David!  Don’t watch Battlestar Galactica!  That’s too much nerdiness for our home!”

That was Meggie pleading with me last night when I said I planned to start watching the first season of the show that changed up the word “fuck” with “frakk.”

I have always treaded on the fringes of nerdiness.  I like some nerdy things, hate others.  My best friend, Brandon J. Carr, is a full-fledged nerd - kind of.  Not really.  I play videogames for admittedly unhealthy amounts of time.  I like gadgets and gizmos and spend way too much time on the Interwebs.

Still, I am completely indifferent, maybe even opposed to such nerdiness as comic books, Star Wars (HATE HATE HATE Star Wars), LARPing.  Um, what else do nerds do?

Not sure.

I started reading an interesting article in WIRED Magazine (okay another nerdy thing) that said we are essentially in “The Age of The Nerds.”  Nerdom has become the norm, of sorts.  No longer the stereotypical high-water-wearing, pocket-protecting doofuses we all became familiar with in the Revenge of the Nerds movies, these creatures lurk amongst us completely incognito.  It could be your teacher.  Your neighbor.  I could be that homeless guy who always tries to bum cigarettes from you.  Probably not, though.  That guy is just annoying.  Anyways, the article said something about nerds being pretty prevalent now.

There may have been more to the article, but like I said, I just started reading it.  I take quick poops.

I guess the point is.  Umm… 

Oh yeah.  I think I am just concerned Meggie may be right.  Am I going to cross the nerd threshold?  I mean, would that be bad?  Maybe being a nerd is just the next benchmark in social evolution.  Maybe not.  I mean, if I start watching Battlestar Galactica will everything change?  Will I become fascinated with Star Wars mythology?  Debate which is better - original Star Trek or The Next Generation.  I don’t have time for that shit.

I think ultimately, I just want to see how hard Meggie freaks out when I start quoting the show.

Even if I hate it.

- David C. Garcia

These Stories Are True is back, vatos!

We took a few weeks hiatus as Brandon settled into his new job feeding old people and I finished my book.

But now, all the old people are fed, and the first draft of my book is finished.  So props to the old people and me.  Brandon can have some props, too.  I guess.

When we left off at TSAT, we had just completed PART 1 of “WE START A GANG.”  And, what better way to start off Black History Month than to bring you the second installment.

On Monday, “WE START A GANG: PART 2″ will explode all of the Intwerwebs via TSAT, and maybe we will finally get the literary praise we deserve.  Get ready, Sweden.  Daddy’s home.

But bigger than that, we have a new contributor to TSAT.  Les Johnson of www.thelongdownwardspiral.com has joined forces with Brandon and me and wrote with us last night for the second installment of the aforementioned essay.  The dude is an amazing writer, and we knew he would do a great job.  But he did a brilliant job.  It was a perfect fit.  Usually, Brandon and I can tell an essay will be good when we are one chuckle short of literally shitting our pants.  And I think last night, we may have actually crossed that chuckle threshold when we read Les’ contribution.  Flawless.

I have extended the offer to Les to become an actual co-author for TSAT and not just a contributor.  So, we will hopefully see a lot more work from him. 

Tune in on Monday for PART 2 of “WE START A GANG.”

- David C. Garcia

That’s right, bitches.  As my friend Kerry Knowles said, “The king has an heir.”

The baby is totally healthy and totally awesome.

After birth (and after being circumcised of course - I don’t want my kid to go through life with the name “Alexander Anteater Nose”), I will raise the boy to be AWESOME just like his father.  He will be duly schooled in the fine arts of hilarity, videogames, cynicism and, of course, beef jerky.

- David C. Garcia