Waffles > Bread

Early this morning, in between sleep-sessions, I discovered something amazing:

Eggo-type waffles and cream cheese is the best combination ever.

No, I was not high on the mari-ju-wana when I made this epicurean discovery.  I was high on sleep deprivation and low blood sugar, stupid.

But seriously – waffles and cream cheese.  That shit is so good.  I had about 1000 mouthgasms as I took bite after bite.  It was an important discovery, this waffles and cream cheese thing.  But there was an even more important discovery:

Waffles kick bread’s ass all over the place.

I thought about this in between bites of pure ecstasy.  Did I mention waffles and cream cheese is amazing?  Because it is.  Imagine watching the news and finding out that all of the babies in the world got bunnies for Christmas and that in unrelated news AIDS had been cured in the U.S (not Africa or Southeast Asia) and that on top of all of this The Hills was being canceled.  I think even girls would grow boners from the sheer excitement of this wonderful news.  Now imagine something 10 times better than all of that nonsense and you will be imagining culinary brilliance:

Waffles slathered in cream cheese.

So good.

I liked my new invention so much I decided to make a second helping.  I noticed that there were some bagels in the kitchen.

Fuck bagels.  Bagels are just retarded bread posing as half-assed doughnuts.  I can never properly pry those things apart without ripping them to shreds like a retard playing with something crumbly.  “Bagels.”  Even their name is stupid.  Unlike “Waffles.”  Now that is a name that commands respect.

But just bread in general.  I used to like bread until this morning.  Bread is lame, though.  Gross.  If complex carbohydrates were students in school, bread would be that really boring D student who had no friends.  Waffles would be that one mega smart kid who studied hard and partied even harder.  Waffles would also get laid by all the cheerleaders and that one hot English teacher.

I am going to start using waffles for everything I previously used bread for.  If I want a sandwich, it will be a meaty ham sandwich with Swiss cheese and light mayo…On waffles!  If Meggie makes pasta for dinner, I will remind her that we are not having garlic bread.  We are having garlic waffles.  When I go get a Panini, I am going to yell at the immigrant making my food if he tries to use focaccia (which is just pretentious bread).  I’ll scream at him in English (which he won’t understand) and tell him to make my Panini on waffles or I will call Immigration (which he will understand).  When I pay for my groceries and the clerk hands me back my change, I am going to slap the currency out of her hand and say, “Waffles, stupid.  I want my change back in waffles.”

Yeah.

Waffles are awesome and bread is gay.  Seriously.  Here is proof:

See what I mean?  Bread is gay.  If bread tried to get married in California, it will get treated like a second class citizen.  Waffles on the other hand can marry as much as they want.

Waffles are amazing.  Remember that one time before Jesus’ dad killed him and Jesus had this huge party the night before?  Maybe if he had served waffles and not bread, Judas would have been a lot less bitter.  Maybe then Jesus wouldn’t have been bludgeoned and pegged to a cross.  Just sayin’.

Waffles kick ass.  The only thing that is better is Louisiana Hot Sauce.  Holy crap!  Wait!  Waffles drenched in Louisiana Hot Sauce…

- David C. Garcia