Press Release from the TSAT Compound

ANOUNCEMENT: TSAT TO PROVIDE LIVE (FACTUAL) ELECTION COVERAGE ON NOV. 4

Dear America (and Sweden),
 
We are quickly approaching the most important day we will ever experience in our fat, greedy, self-absorbed lives.  On Tuesday November Fourth (2008 AD) it will be time to get voting.  Unless you are a felon.  In that case, you can’t vote (but you can probably violently persuade someone to vote for you).
 
So, we here at TSAT ask you:
 
Who do ya’ love?
 
Do you like John McCain because he reminds you of your grandpa just before he died?  Do you like him because he is mavericky?  Do you like John McCain because you totally want to bang his running mate, Sarah Palin?
 
Or do you like Barack Obama because he is super black?  Do you like that Biden is white and Obama is black and totally imagine them being a sweet team in a buddy cop movie where the cops are actually presidents and not cops at all?
 
We here at TSAT are totally non-partisan and partisan all at the same time.  We like John McCain and Barack Obama equally and at the same time like one of them better.  We like McCain’s totally wicked yellow-toothed grin and Obama’s awesome hair.  And we want to bang Sarah Palin.
 
So, are you going to “VOTE OR DIE?”  Are you going to “BARACK THE VOTE?”  Are you “RAISING MCCAIN?”
 
These are important questions, because on November 4th, your goddamned fates will be sealed.  You may hear people out there saying things like, “It doesn’t matter who you vote for!  Just vote!”  Well guess what, Nancy?  People like that need to be euthanized (because they are either old or hippies).  It DOES matter who you vote for.  As much as we at TSAT like McCain and Obama (and totally want to see a Sarah Palin porn), we know that only one will be able to save America from some sort of doom.  So choose carefully.  Or, you know, it will be your fault when something horrible happens.
 
But, there is something that is just as important as the election: the election coverage.  Every news broadcaster, be it CNN, FOX, MSNBC or WHATSAMATTA U, has an agenda.  FOX will obviously be making McCain/Palin win, MSNBC will totally be rigging the voting machines for Obama/Biden, and CNN will be doing God knows what because they think they are awesome because Darth Vader voices their commercials.

So what can you do?  What will you do?  No, put down that rifle and step down from the bell tower.  Killing is not the solution (unless you’re aiming for mimes).  Here’s what you can do…Are you ready?..Wait for it…Not yet…No, slow down…We’re almost there…Just a second…YEEEEEEAAAAAHH!
 
That’s right, you can tune in to TSAT’s LIVE COVERAGE of the 2008 Presidential Elections.
 
We not only care who wins but also don’t give a damn.  What we want is for you to be completely slathered in bready buttery facts and pan-fried in truth.
 
Your hosts of Election Truth will be none other than David C. Garcia, Truth Expert, and Brandon J. Carr, Fact Expert.
 
So, on Tuesday November 4th, get to the Interwebs at 8:00 PM (EST) sharp and go to www.thesestoriesaretrue.com for LIVE, full-on coverage of the presidential election.  We’ll show you a side of America you have never seen.
 
Will you be there?  Will you log in and join us for the election coverage, you fundamentally maverick change-seeking plumbers?  SAY IT LOUD AND SAY IT PROUD!  “YES WE WILL!”
 
Awesome.  And remember, this is not about red states or blue states or even about the U.S.A.  It’s about TSAT: Facts We Can Believe In.