Sometime in 2005 or 2006, I got a MySpace page. I did it because all of the other kids were doing it, and I felt like being part of a giant community of retards. So I had a MySpace page. I still have that MySpace page.
I hate MySpace. I loathe almost everything about it. I hate the emoticons, I hate the retarded surveys, I hate the eye-burning profiles with flashing pics that I am convinced will eventually kill an epileptic. I hate most people’s attempt to be cool on MySpace. I hate that most people on MySpace look nothing like their pictures in real life. Did I mention the surveys? GRRRRRR! I hate the surveys. I hate that an actual sub-dialect of the English language has been forged and spread virally because of that obnoxious “social networking” site. I know what WTF means, but for the life of me, I am still trying to figure out what FTW is. Does it mean “Fuck The What?” Maybe “Fuck The World?” How about “Fuel The Wombat?” OMG LOLZ WWJD GRRRRR!
So I hate MySpace. I have considered deletzorging my MySpacesz for a long time now, but I recently got back in touch with several members of my extended family I have not seen in years. They have MySpace pages and don’t hold quite the contempt that I do for that site. For that reason, and for that reason only, have I decided to keep my MySpace page. Also, I do enjoy messing with nit-wits like this guy.
So, I eventually jumped on the Facebook bandwagon. It was just at social and just at networky as MySpace, but the IQ level of the people on Facebook seemed to be more in the range of average intelligence than that of the 80 IQ MySpace E-tards (get it? Like retards except…whatever).
Here are some of the cool features of Facebook:
- I can usually search for you by your real name. A name that doesn’t involve stars or happy faces or flashing pieces of shit.
- There is a Scrabble feature on Facebook. I LOVE Scrabble. I’m like a Scrabble Savant. I dare you (DARE you) to step to my word pimping!
- Through Facebook, I was able to get back in touch with a whole shload of people I knew years ago. I am sure if I waded through the shitpile of profiles on MySpace, I would be able to find the same people, but I don’t have time for that sort of nonsense.
I am not sure if I can think of any other reasons I like Facebook more than MySpace. Oh wait! There is an addicting little application on that site called “Pirates.” It’s pretty much all about being a pirate and looting and burying gold. It sounds a bit lame, but it’s like fucking Internet crack cocaine. YAAAAR!
So, aside from the real names and Scrabble and Pirates application, there really isn’t anything remarkable about Facebook. But there isn’t anything that really bothers me. That is…
Until I became the victim of Superpokes! Oh.My.Bleeding.Jesus. Have you ever been at a restaurant, and some kid is yelling and screaming and making all kinds of stupid noise while you are trying to eat your favorite dish? Eventually, your food just starts to taste like hate and all you want to do is grab that kid and throw him at the group of servers who are singing their “cool” version of “Happy Birthday” to the drunken skanks at the table next to you. You know the feeling, right? Is it just me? Anyways, that same fury is what I feel when I get Superpoked. Except it’s like that kid keeps coming back over and over again.
What is a Superpoke? It’s like a steroid-enhanced poke laced with absurdity. On Facebook, you can standard “poke” someone, which is in essence a cute way of nudging someone and saying hi. But with Superpokes, you don’t just get “poked” by someone. You get forced into a corner and electronically sodomized by them. For example, I shamelessly browsed through my Facebook messages on my BlackBerry the other day and noticed that So-and-So had “Thrown a sheep at me.” And guess what? What’s-his-face had “Made a taco for me.” Oh, and Hooray! What’s-her-name “Skipped school with me.”
Holy shit! If you threw a sheep at me in real life, I would….I don’t know. Who the shit throws a sheep? If you made a taco for me, I would thank you but I would feel kind of weird. And skip class? Really? Where are we going? To the abandoned shack in the woods to smoke cigarettes? Jesus.
But really, it’s not the absurdity of the Superpokes that bothers me. I like absurd things. Like way more than most people. It is the frequency at which Superpokes occur. When I log onto Facebook, I have like a zillion (literally) notifications letting me know I have been assaulted with a sheep or served Mexican food or asked to bail on my high school studies or whatever. It is overwhelming. The people who developed this application made it so that there are levels of Superpokes you can perform as well. In order to “level up” for these pokes… I mean Superpokes, you have to annoy the balls off someone like me. It just makes the Superpokers more determined to get me to roundhouse my pets.
So stop fucking Superpoking me! I just removed the application for Superpokes that was on my profile, but I am still getting fucking Superpoked!
AAAAAAARRRRRGGH!
I recently got a Twitter account. It is way better. It’s a nice little micro blogging/status updating site. If you are like me and hate having livestock tossed your way several times a day I encourage you to get a Twitter account. It is way less irritating.
*Chaime has agreed with you on how annoying Superpoke is!*
It can go to the 7th layer of hell.
It feels like Hell, for sure.
I love your writing.
Same here. I opened up my MySpace account in 2005 and I still have it. It is much to annoying for me. I simply log on every month or so to see if anyone I know died.
Twitter is much better. You should like Twitter too, if not for one reason: no one has music that automatically plays upon entering their Twitter profile. ‘nuf said.