My dogs love that commercial. Every time it’s on they get burritos and popcorn.

All I was saying is that the commercial makes me sad and that 3rd world humans with flies/mud in their mouth and eyes make me want to barf. It really had nothing to do with my socio-political values or whatever. Shit, son. You know me.

Aaaaaaand, in the event that you want to step to this, I totally did my part. I paid 20 dollars for a totally working, two-eyed, four-legged badass named Rowdy (with pre-housebroken technology). Damn, bitch, stop hatin’. I am going to dress my dog up now.

PS: Grump.

Robyn: Mother Theresa’s farts were a melody to behold.

This was awesome. I liked the line about Mother Theresa.

That dog is cold. How about you put the camera down and put a blanket on it. Cameramen have no hearts. That second dog is blinking in slow motion because blinking in slow motion is evocative and — holy SHIT, where’s that cat’s eye? Someone needs to a put a patch on that thing or get it off my YouTubes. Is that even an entire cat? It’s not moving and all I see is the head. It’s bag of cat heads. The SPCA is showing us a bag of one-eyed cat heads. Nice.

Now there’s a one-eyed Ewok or something that looks like its crying. Is this supposed to make me sad? This is gross. Those aren’t dog tears…it has some weird infection or something. Yuck. Next there’s a dog that’s probably been ripped in half and they wanted to see if taping it back together would work before chopping off its head and putting in the DOG head bag.

DOGS MAKE SAD FACES ALL THE TIME. CATS’ EYES WATER A LOT WHEN THEY’RE SICK. These animals are not depressed. That cat is not crying. That mop thing is not…WHERE ARE ALL THESE CREATURES’ EYES?! Another catclops! The next dog is missing an ear. Does it get a kiss like the catclops? No. Just a hug. So much for equal treatment, huh? Crying, two-eyed cats live in CAGES there.

“Hi. I’m Sarah McLaughlin. Be sure to be an angel for a shelter animal. Not me, though. Check out my purebred dog. Cost me $5,000.”

The next little muppet creature is being hugged by animal cop. The next dog? The white one? Doesn’t even look SAD. They need to remove that one because he doesn’t fit into the “looks like it’s pleading” motif of the rest of the ad. WHERE IS THAT CAT’S EYE? If I do anything for the SPCA, it’s going to be an eyepatch donation so that these animals start looking BADASS and stop looking GROSS. Only eyepatches because they’re accessories and that’s as far as anyone should EVER go with animals.

Now the SPCA cops and doctors are representing. Carrying, medicating, hugging. THAT part is interesting, not the intentional sad-pandering of the rest of the commercial. Those creatures may look like they’re in dire desperate straights, but they were likely unfed that day to accomplish it. I doubt most of the animals wouldn’t perk right up if someone tossed them a Scooby Snack or a ball.

If I join I get a photo of an animal in a shelter?! Awesome. GIVE ME A PHOTO OF AN ANIMAL WITH THE PROPER NUMBER OF EYES, THANK YOU.

Another one-eyed kitten! A dog too sad to escape his cage! Cat attacks camera! Sarah McLaughlin! Sad dog in a metal box! Please call right now? Nope.

I have a heart. I’m often very fond of animals. But I will not be tricked into caring by a cleverly-cut, sappily-musicked commercial. I find it insulting. Can you imagine if any other organization did something like this? Like a bunch of shots of mopey-looking cows. “Milk: If you don’t drink it, their udders will explode.” And then show a shot of a cow with an exploded udder looking sad. No thanks. I already like milk.

It’s emotional pandering and, obviously, it works. But for each of you who watch that ad and get some sniffles going, how many of you have donated? Who amongst you is proudly wearing their ASPCA t-shirt and cat-hazard wristband? That’s the measure of success for a commercial intended as a heart-wrenching fundraiser. Instead it just winds up wrenching hearts. What’s the point of that? Maybe the ASPCA just hates joy.

b

Katherine: Let’s sue Sara McLaughlin for emotional abuse.

Les: HAHAHAHAHA!