Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 6

Continued from Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 5

Timothy Mason realized he was facing a nightmare.  A giving kind of guy, Tim had called on the services of the nice retarded man known only as Joe The Plumber to the townspeople (and Joe himself).  As Joe assessed the malfunctioning septic system in Tim’s backyard, he ate a Pudding Pop.  Joe accidentally deep throated the Pudding Pop too far and his gag reflex kicked in.  His eyes squinted, his forehead scrunched up.

That face.  That was the face Joe Theodore Cleveland had made when he vomited on him.  But how could that be Joe Cleveland?  That monster of a human being was genius.  Joe The Plumber was a mentally challenged handyman.

Tim grabbed his lawn shears and ran at Joe.  “You Motherfucker!”

“Hi Mr. Tim.  What are you doing?”

“Get off my property you maniac.  I don’t know how you fooled everyone.  You are not a retard, you are a monster!”

Tim swung the shears at Joe’s bald head.  Joe dodged and ran.

Joe ran.  He ran so far away.  Joe ran until, as Joe would put it, he “had a belly ache in his legs.”  But Tim vowed to find Joe and to repay him in full for the vile nightmare he had been put through.
——————-

PRESENT DAY

Sarah Palin came to speak in my town.  I’m not a Republican or a Democrat, but I know a MILF when I see one, and Sarah Palin is a MILF.  I had spent a fair amount of time searching the Interwebs for the Nailin’ Pailin video.  Unfortunately, no such video could ever be found.

All I know was that Sarah Palin looked more like a piece of meat to me than a prospective candidate.  So I wanted to see this moose-hunting whore.  It wasn’t even an erotic adventure anymore.  I just wanted to see this idiot live.

So when Sarah Palin came to Fredericksburg, VA on that rainy day just weeks before the election, I made sure to get there early.  What a sad group of people.  Palin’s fans waited eagerly in the crowd for the appearance of the prospective VP.

I stood there, watching people across the street holding up signs that said “Drill Baby, Drill!”  I imagined the name of another Sarah Palin porn.

Then I got bumped into by a tall, stoic-looking man. 

“I’m sorry sir.”  His voice was just as placid as his face.

“That’s okay.  Nice day for a rally, huh?”

“I’m not here to watch that retarded bitch get this crowd riled up.  I’m here for Joe The Plumber.”

“Joe The Plumber?  That guy who has been on TV with McCain?”

“Actually, no.  It’s another Joe The Plumber.  That’s the name he goes by.”

And Tim gave me the whole story, right from the beginning.  He had been able to get all the gritty details of Joe Cleveland’s life leading up to the day of “The Accident” and the medical records secured by the well-paid private detective confirmed it all.  Joe The Plumber was Joseph Theodore Cleveland.  Or at least the shell of the old monster.

Tim had spent years following Joe.  When he found out that Joe thought McCain had been talking about him when he was touting an Ohio “Joe The Plumber,” Joe started following the candidates around the U.S.

But today, Joe The Plumber had come to Fredericksburg, VA.  He liked Sarah Palin because he thought she was a pretty woman and also liked that she had a baby, as Joe would say, “Just like me.”

You see, Reader?  I told you I would explain everything.  I was not speaking about Samuel J. Wurzelbacher (aka Joe The Plumber).  I was talking about a McCain and Palin obsessed retard who was once a bad seed.  Dang!

So I stood in the rain until the shit went down.  Literally.  As Tim looked around, I smelled something.  It smelled like septic tank and dirty plunger.

“Do you smell that?”  Tim kind of sounded like Rambo.

“Yeah.  It’s gross.”

“That’s him.  He’s getting closer….”  Tim pulled out a sharp knife.  “It’s time for that monster to pay.  But not even his spilling blood will make up for the years of therapy.”

And then it happened.  Joe appeared from the crowd.  He saw Tim.  Tim saw him.  They looked at each other.

“Oh how the mighty have fallen, haven’t they…Joseph…Theodore…Cleveland?”

Then Joe shit his pants.  He knew he was in big trouble.  It was disgusting.  It smelled like a dead bison packed with feta and sulfur.  The smell hit me, paralyzing me where I stood.  Tim was then hit and projectile vomited.  But guess what?

I WAS IN THE FUCKING WAY!

Tim’s stomach juices splattered on my face.

This amused Joe.  Old habits die hard.  Joe The Plumber stuck his finger down his throat and projectile vomited all over me too.  That vomit hit my shirt.  He giggled and then announced, “This is fun.”  I stood there for a few moments and then dropped to my knees.  It burned.  Joe’s vomit actually burned more than stomach acid should.  I ripped off my shirt and let the rain wash off the vomit that had seeped through.

But Joe had more.  He shoved his finger down his throat again and the puke flew at Tim’s face.

“AAAAAAAAGGGGHHGGHHHH!!”  Tim shrieked and then started gagging.  *Gag!* *Gag!* .  “I can’t breath.”

Some of Joe’s vomit had ended up in Tim’s mouth.

“Ha ha ha Tim!  You smell like my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

You guessed it.  Peanuts.

—–

I left after gathering my bearings.  Tim had been owned again.  I have no idea if that bitch died.  I don’t care.

I am pissed at Joe.  I don’t care if he is a retard or not.  That motherfucker ruined my nose and then puked on me.  Tim had puked on me as well, but this was all Joe’s fault.

If Joe hadn’t puked on Tim in the second grade, none of this would have happened.

Joe The Plumber is An Asshole.

FIN!