Continued from Joe The Plumber is an Asshole Episode 2
Joe slammed the door of the trailer, panting heavily and gripping a garbage bag of dead kittens.
“Hey Stiffy! Stiffy, I got our fucking dinner!”
Stiffy stirred on the pile of clothes and dirty blankets he had made as a “couch.”
“Good, just throw them in the cooler. I’ll cook them up in a bit. Just got to get some shut-eye.” He took a heavy swig from the bottle of Bowman’s brand whisky, and planted his face into a pillowcase filled with something.
“Well, make your nap snappy, you filthy motherfucker. I’m hungry and I have a date tonight.”
By “date,” Joe meant that he was going to sneak into the high school prom and drop a baggie of Rohipnol into the punch and hope to possibly “make love” to whomever was easiest to drag from the dance into the woods.
It had been 10 years since Juanita left the family and Stiffy decided to “man up” and do his goddamndest to raise an evil asshole named Joseph Theodore Cleveland.
After the 2nd grade PTA meeting, Joe had not stepped back onto school grounds. Well, that is a lie. Joe returned to school often, but not to learn. At nights, Joe would enter the school and steal whatever he could get his hands on. The school janitor, Rufus Grimes, had become a close friend of Joe’s and would let Joe have his way with the school’s property if Joe kept him in fresh nudie mags and 10 percent of a cut.
Joe, despite his nasty temper, horrible disposition and overall ruthlessness was actually an exceptionally bright guy. He educated himself by stealing books from the local library (which he was banned from after attempting to set fire to the Children’s section).
—–
Hundreds of miles down south, Juanita Sanchez sat at an ornate patio table, drinking mimosas and reading a copy of Vanity Fair. Upon abandoning her life in the United States, Juanita found that life without a horrible monster to breast feed (which was still commonplace when Joe was in 2nd grade) was beautiful. When she returned to Mexico, she enrolled in college, studied Sociology and mastered the English language. She met a handsome Mexican gentleman who would eventually father and exceptionally well-behaved, musically inclined little hombrecito.
Juanita’s husband, was a man of mystery. He was known to his business associates as “El Rico,” and only Juanita knew of his real name. She chose never to mention the name. Why? I don’t know! I told you to stop asking questions.
Anyways, can I get back to this story? Or do you have any other questions I need to shoot down? Sheesh.
Where was I? Oh yes.
Juanita’s life was wonderful. Her days consisted of reading American periodicals, writing poetry and thanking God that He blessed her with such an amazing life so far away from the Antichrist of the Midwest.
As a sign of humility (and because she felt so guilty for spawning Little Joe Cleveland), Juanita made monthly donations to the school system and police department of small Midwest town Joe lived in. She sent cashiers checks anonymously and always write “I am sorry. I am so very sorry.” on the checks.
—–
Joe’s date was going well. For some reason, none of the students at the high school seemed to be affected by the Roofie Punch. So Joe did what he did best: He improvised. Hiding in a locker, he stared out through the cracks with his black, vacant eyes, waiting for a female passerby.
And a passerby did pass by: Mrs. Hendrickson, the high school’s art teacher. Clenching a text book, Joe waited silently for Mrs. Hendrickson to walk past the locker. He stepped silently from the locker, and tip-toed behind the unsuspecting art instructor.
He raised the book above his head.
The scream that should have reached the students dancing away in the gym didn’t.
Joe dragged Mrs. Hendrickson’s still body by the hair. Panting and snotting all over his face (it was allergy season for Joe), our little villain made his way out of the building with his date…
The details of this “date” have been sealed, by court order.
—–
Decades later, I would meet Joe The Plumber. Like I said, the guy is a total prick. A narcissistic asshole with a penchant for country crooning. Joe is certainly in the top 10 of my list of “World’s Total Assholes.” But the Joe I met, and the Joe we all know now is a very different man than Joe the adolescent. He is not the evil monster who breast-fed until age seven or consumed bags of dead cats. He is not the man who puked on little Timmy Mason after poisoning him with peanut oil, and he is not the man who [COURT RECORDS SEALED] Mrs. Hendrickson. That was Joe Theodore Cleveland, the kid who would eventually grow to become Joe The Plumber (who, as I have mentioned, is a total Asshole). The man little Joe would grow into is not necessarily evil. He is just a total asshole (trust me). Something happened, and Joe Theodore Cleveland stopped being a maniac and just stabilized into an asshole. How did this happen (That’s me asking the question, so it’s cool)?
It happened in a small Midwest bar, in the hometown Joe lived in. It was the bar that would transform Joe Theodore Cleveland, sadistic destroyer of cats, into Joe The Plumber, total dickhead.