The following is the first part of a multi-EPISODE (yes, it’s awesome enough to be called an episode) series called “Joe The Plumber is an Asshole.” With a title like that, do you really think I need to put up a disclaimer? If you do, then you are a dolt.
I haven’t been this mad at someone since Michael Phelps tried to steal my woman or when Carl The Retard stopped “NYARPIN” at me, but this is ridiculous.
I am so tired of Joe The Plumber’s shit. That guy is such an asshole. There, I said it. I don’t know if that is un-American or what, but it warrants repeating:
Joe The Plumber is a cock-faced asshole.
Believe or not, I actually know this Antichrist of a man. And I’d like to tell you why I feel this way, and I will, but it is a long story.
To really understand who this guy is, we have to go back in time. Will you join me as we travel back to the days when Joe The Plumber was just a little dipshit? Great. Here we go…
Joe The Plumber (real name Joseph Theodore Cleveland) was born sometime in the 1960s somewhere in the Midwest to parents, Juanita “Dirty” Sanchez and some guy named Rusty. The full details of Rusty and his whereabouts following Joe’s birth are fuzzy. He may have appeared on America’s Most Wanted at some point, but who cares? All that is really known is that immediately after Joe burst from his mother’s womb at a local truck stop, Rusty made off with the family station wagon and that month’s food stamps.
Juanita eventually found Joe a suitable father figure, a functionally retarded fat man from a local grocery store named Richard “Stiffy” Johnson. You’re probably thinking, “How could someone end up with a name so derivative of dick jokes?” I’ll tell you how…I don’t know. That was just his name. But his name is apt as he would end up playing a major role in Joe’s development from little prick to full on dick.
So where did Joe get his now infamous last name, Plumber?
Again, with the questions! That will be explained later you impatient little weasel. Just take your Ritalin and pay attention to the story.
Anyways, Joe first started showing signs of being am insufferable snot at a very young age. By the time he was just two-years old, Joe was already speaking far more English than his little Mexican mom. One evening, when she came home from a long night of work at the local Waffle House, she was immediately confronted by an angry Joe screaming that it was time to be breast fed!
“I want tit milk!” Joe screamed at his exhausted mother. “Where the hell have you been?!?”
“I waas ay…I waas ayt thee Wawful Casa mayking foods for thee hawngree truck manejadores.”
“Well, you filthy whore, come over here and feed me!”
When you think of Joe, think of Stewie from Family Guy. An absurdly literate infant bent on destroying the lives of others.
“Okayee leeetle Joeee.” Juanita yawned. “Joast layt meee….ummm how doo joo say…umm go to thee bano!”
“No! Now! I need nourishment now! Your idiot of a husband drank five bottles of Night Train when he got home and neglected to feed me. He’s passed out in the back of the trailer waiting for you to perform your whorish duties. You know what happens when Richard gets mad. He turns that brown skin of yours blue. So come feed me now, or you will be so bruised tomorrow, you might get mistaken for an overbrowned blueberry waffle. FEEEEEED ME!”
Angry Joe at age 2
And so Mama Juanita fed little Joe, and the cycle repeated itself. Every night, Juanita would come home to a poorly furnished trailer, whip out one of her milk-makers and feed Joe. And Joe grew up into a maniacal little boy. Soon, little Joe would be starting school. And it wouldn’t be long before the PTA met to discuss an evil little cretin known as Joseph Theodore Cleveland…
“again, with the questions” ahh, the grandson of my brooklyn mother