Continued from Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 1

Little Timmy Mason was on his stomach, pulling himself across the floor of the gym.  Recess had ended over 30 minutes ago, but none of the teachers seemed to notice his absence.  As Timmy dragged himself across the gymnasium, his Converse squeaking on the poorly waxed floor, Little Joe Cleveland followed him.  Chuckling maniacally, Joe watched as Timmy gasped for air, turning a more pronounced shade of green/blue with each labored drag.

Then he stopped.  Timmy was not going to die.  Well probably not, but a peanut allergy is a very serious thing.  Joe laughed hysterically as he approached Timmy.  He stood over Timmy and crammed his finger down his throat and self-induced a nasty vomit all over Timmy’s face.  Timmy tried to squeeze out the tears, but all of his energy was focused on making sure he got enough oxygen as his throat tightened up.

“You little piece of shit,” Joe hissed at Timmy.  “Don’t you ever do that again.  Next time peanut oil won’t be the only thing I pour into your juice thermos.  Maybe it will be Drano!”  The word on the playground was that Timmy, a new arrival at the school, had stolen Joe’s milk, which incidentally, Joe had stolen from another schoolmate.  It was serious.

Joe reached into Timmy’s pocket and took his wallet.  “When they come here to take you to the hospital, you make something up.  If I found out you ratted on me…”  Joe made a left to right gesture across his throat with his index finger.  He turned away and ran, setting off the fire alarm as he exited the gym.

Little Joe Cleveland was a demon seed.  A complete asshole by age 7, everyone hated Joe.
—–

Joe scared everyone he went to school with.  He even scared the teachers.  He was never cited for bad behavior, mainly because he was rarely caught, but when he was caught, the staff refused to do anything for fear that he would deflate their tires or kill their pets.

So when the quarterly PTA meeting was held, all of the deeds Joe’s 2nd grade schoolmates had been too afraid to report to the teachers but reported to their parents when they woke up screaming at night, came to a head.  There was not a silent moment.  As Principal Jones tried to discuss the next quarter’s field trip schedule, all of the parents stood up in unison and began shouting about the school’s failure to expel Joe.

“That little asshole poisoned my boy’s turtle!”

“That son-of-a-bitch, that little motherfucker has been stealing Melissa’s lunch money all year!”

“We don’t need to expel that kid!  We need to call animal control and have them put him down!”

Juanita “Dirty” Sanchez just sat there as the enormous roster of charges grew against Joe.  A tear ran down her face.  She looked over at her husband, “Stiffy” Johnson.  He had passed out in his seat and had urinated on himself.  It was a nasty sight.  When Joe’s mother came to this country, her hope was to start a better life for herself and raise a happy American family.  Instead, she married a semi-retarded drunk and birthed an evil bastard born from the seed of a thief.

Someone shouted from the crowd, “That little horror should have been aborted.  He will never amount to anything except maybe a murderer!”

Another voice added on, “I am surprised he didn’t kill Timmy Mason.  The boy is still in the hospital.  If the medics had taken longer, he would have probably died!”

Juanita stood up.

“STOP EET!  SHOTE YOUR STUPEED MOUTHS!”  She collapsed back into her seat.  She couldn’t do it anymore.  Juanita knew Joe was a monster.  She knew he would never amount to anything but a beast of a human.  She pulled a pen and paper from her purse and wrote a note for “Stiffy”:

steefie i cants do its anymores.  joo tayke cayre of my little baby.  maybe he will geet bayter.  eef he do you cayn trys and find me.  i aym going back to mexico.

—–
All right, reader, it looks like you are confused.  Do I need to repeat anything?

Wait, wait, wait a minute!  That’s not Joe The Plumber as a kid, is it?  I mean, I have seen that guy on TV answering foreign policy questions for John McCain, and yes, he is a bit of an ass, but seriously?  That can’t be Joe The Plumber The Kid.

Okay, stop asking me questions.  Everything will be answered.  And yes, everything I have explained is true and 100% factual.  Joe The Plumber, formerly Joseph Theodore Cleveland, was and is an asshole.  He did those things. 

No more questions!

—–

“Stiffy” Johnson walked in the door, clenching the poorly written Dear Juan letter his wife left for him.  “Joe!  Joe, get out here you little motherfucker!”

Joe slithered out from underneath the sink, holding a headless Barbie doll in one hand and a stale piece of beef jerky in the other.

“Listen you little shit, that cunt mother of yours just went back to Mexico or San Salvador or whatever Spanish country she done came from.”  Stiffy hocked up a massive loogie and spat it on the industrial carpeting.  Joe just stared at him with his black, vacant eyes.

“Now, you little half-breed, let’s get some things straight…”

Stiffy went ahead and laid down the rules that would solidify Joe’s foundation until “The Accident.”

Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 3

An e-mail conversation between Brandon and I:

Brandon: CNN Headlines That Make Me Laugh But Shouldn’t:
WZZM: Bowler rolls perfect game, then dies

David: You’re an asshole.

Brandon: Yep!

David: It would have been cool if the title was Bowler Rolls Perfect Game, Then Dies, Then Gets Raped, Then Learns to Smile Again

Brandon: YES.  Bowler Rapes Ball, Rolls Perfect Game, Dies, Ball Rapes Him, Ball Learns To Smile Again.

David: I want to rape a bowling ball.  Let’s go to the bowling alley.  Do you have condoms?  I have no idea who has put their fingers in those things.

Brandon: I do not have any condoms.  Sorry.  Your plan is foiled.

David: Fine.  I’m just going to rape you, then.  And when I do, you had better be smiling!

Brandon: If you rape me, I swear I will never smile again.  And that will make you so mad, which I’ll enjoy the shit out of, but won’t smile about.

David: I will turn that frown upside down…by raping you upside down.  After I rape you, I am going to rape that sad face off your face by raping you upside down!

Brandon: False.  My mouth will either be a straight line or a perfect circle.  No frowns or smiles.  You don’t get the satisfaction.

David: I will cut a smile into your face, Joker-style, and then rape that smile.
 
You know this can easily be remedied if you go get me some condoms so I can rape a bowling ball.

Brandon: Fine.  I will go get you condoms.  Geez.

David: Suh-weet!

The following is the first part of a multi-EPISODE (yes, it’s awesome enough to be called an episode) series called “Joe The Plumber is an Asshole.”   With a title like that, do you really think I need to put up a disclaimer?  If you do, then you are a dolt.

I haven’t been this mad at someone since Michael Phelps tried to steal my woman or when Carl The Retard stopped “NYARPIN” at me, but this is ridiculous.

I am so tired of Joe The Plumber’s shit.  That guy is such an asshole.  There, I said it.  I don’t know if that is un-American or what, but it warrants repeating:

Joe The Plumber is a cock-faced asshole.

Believe or not, I actually know this Antichrist of a man.  And I’d like to tell you why I feel this way, and I will, but it is a long story.

To really understand who this guy is, we have to go back in time.  Will you join me as we travel back to the days when Joe The Plumber was just a little dipshit?  Great.  Here we go…

Joe The Plumber (real name Joseph Theodore Cleveland) was born sometime in the 1960s somewhere in the Midwest to parents, Juanita “Dirty” Sanchez and some guy named Rusty.  The full details of Rusty and his whereabouts following Joe’s birth are fuzzy.  He may have appeared on America’s Most Wanted at some point, but who cares?  All that is really known is that immediately after Joe burst from his mother’s womb at a local truck stop, Rusty made off with the family station wagon and that month’s food stamps.

Juanita eventually found Joe a suitable father figure, a functionally retarded fat man from a local grocery store named Richard “Stiffy” Johnson.  You’re probably thinking, “How could someone end up with a name so derivative of dick jokes?”  I’ll tell you how…I don’t know.  That was just his name.  But his name is apt as he would end up playing a major role in Joe’s development from little prick to full on dick.

So where did Joe get his now infamous last name, Plumber?

Again, with the questions! That will be explained later you impatient little weasel.  Just take your Ritalin and pay attention to the story.

Anyways, Joe first started showing signs of being am insufferable snot at a very young age.  By the time he was just two-years old, Joe was already speaking far more English than his little Mexican mom.  One evening, when she came home from a long night of work at the local Waffle House, she was immediately confronted by an angry Joe screaming that it was time to be breast fed!

“I want tit milk!”  Joe screamed at his exhausted mother.  “Where the hell have you been?!?”

“I waas ay…I waas ayt thee Wawful Casa mayking foods for thee hawngree truck manejadores.”

“Well, you filthy whore, come over here and feed me!”

When you think of Joe, think of Stewie from Family Guy.  An absurdly literate infant bent on destroying the lives of others.

“Okayee leeetle Joeee.” Juanita yawned.  “Joast layt meee….ummm how doo joo say…umm go to thee bano!”

“No!  Now!  I need nourishment now!  Your idiot of a husband drank five bottles of Night Train when he got home and neglected to feed me.  He’s passed out in the back of the trailer waiting for you to perform your whorish duties.  You know what happens when Richard gets mad.  He turns that brown skin of yours blue.  So come feed me now, or you will be so bruised tomorrow, you might get mistaken for an overbrowned blueberry waffle.  FEEEEEED ME!”

Angry Joe at age 2

And so Mama Juanita fed little Joe, and the cycle repeated itself.  Every night, Juanita would come home to a poorly furnished trailer, whip out one of her milk-makers and feed Joe.  And Joe grew up into a maniacal little boy.  Soon, little Joe would be starting school.  And it wouldn’t be long before the PTA met to discuss an evil little cretin known as Joseph Theodore Cleveland…

Joe The Plumber is an Asshole EPISODE 2

The current word count for the book is 36,254.  Take a few seconds to applaud.  Thank you.

I’m getting into the juicy part of the book.  Actually, it’s all been pretty juicy, but the part I am at is even juicier.  Like my computer machines are spilling fluid all over the place.  Juicy.

I am currently jamming to Michael Andrews’ score for Donnie Darko.  Go to the previous post and check out the song, “Mad World.”  Do it.  I guarantee it will stir your emotions up like crazy.

Anyhoo…

I didn’t make much progress on the book last week, mostly because I was busy writing about hot sauce and having friends over to my place.

I jumped right back in on Monday though.

I do want to give a shout out to my homegirl, Jess Glass for being so straight-forward on how she thinks the book is going.  Most of the time she thinks it is absolutely awesome.  I think those were her exact words - “ABSOLUTELY AWESOME.”  She said it in all caps as well.  However, she has been pretty cool about bringing certain criticisms to my attention.  Hey, we’re not always going to agree right?  I mean, Jess and I are a couple of mavericks.

And with that, here is another snippet.  It’s actually one of the parts Jess and I discussed at length.  In an e-mail.  For a few seconds.

All I will say is that it is relative to one of the more pivotal characters in the book:

     I got up and went outside to smoke a cigarette.  I sat and stared at a small tree that had become a little project.  It was not showing any signs of death.  It had become a recent hobby of mine to be sadistic to the shit world around me.  The parts of the world that defied me.  When I was out, I would treat strangers like idiots and women like trash.  When I was in, I masturbated, drank and contemplated destroying things. 

     And I had been at it for a while.  Weeks, actually.  That fucking plant was resilient.  No matter how much I attempted to poison it, it would not die.  The week prior, I had poured a can of unused paint into the aeration hole.  Nothing.  The plant didn’t wither a bit.  It just stood there, strong as ever, pissing me off.  I went inside and got a container of bleach and a sponge.  I grabbed a beer and chugged it down.  When I burped, foam came up.
 
     I poured bleach all over the sponge and scrubbed the tree’s trunk, making sure to use the scouring side.  I wondered what the passengers of the cars that drove by thought when they saw me washing the tree.  When I finished bleaching the trunk, I poured the remaining contents of the bottle into the aerating hole.
 
     I went back inside.  I sat back down and jerked off.  I imagined the tree outside dying.

I just finished up a new chapter of THE BOOK.  I was jamming to the Donnie Darko soundtrack, totally setting the mood for where I am in the story.

“Mad World” is an absolute tear-jerker of a song.  Beautiful, and very apt for the part of the book I am writing.  I implore you to push play on this video and listen to the song.

And my next post will have another snippet from the book.  Maybe.  If I feel like it.  You have to beg.  Listen to that song first.

I feel like a little kid.

I think for myself.  You can totally tell by my completely individual bumper sticker that TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO.

A redneck must.  This bumper sticker screams “Well, boy, we ain’t had a good lynchin’ here in a long time.  Hows about we hang ourselves another Hussein!”

I think you and your bumper sticker are really smart and cool.

Seriously Pablo.  Get out of my country!  Go back to Mexico and make some more of these great bumper stickers for the expensive car I bought with my FEMA money.

You are driving a car, stupid, not flying an airplane.

Buddha would probably give up his stupid car and walk.

“I’m a hippie chick!  My rich daddy was so mad when I put this sticker on the convertible he got me.  He is SOOOOO The Man.”

I agree.  Bush and Cheney did a horrible job getting rid of Hitler and his band of no-goods after they crashed planes into the World Trade Center.

Retards are known for their absurd strength.

I know right “but who the hell” are you “quoting?”

I promise not to be pissed when you rear-end me because you were reading this bumper sticker.  Hey, can I borrow your cell phone?  I need to call my insurance.

Just go read the new TSAT essay about…

Just go read the essay. HERE!

I was surfing the Interwebs today and decided to check my MySpacez.

I read a few surveys, checked out a few new pics of people I only sort of know doing things that are only sort of cool.

I LOL’d, ROFL’d, WTF’d and OMGzorged a few times, and then got super annoyed by a certain bulletin that had been posted six or seven times back-to-back.

It was mega-annoying, so I thought to myself, “WTHIWWSOTI!!!!!!!” (What the hell is wrong with some of these imbeciles?)

The message in question is from an “indie” rapper I’ve decided to call Mush Mouth (his profile).

This is Mush Mouth:

Read the rest of this entry »

If Guns n’ Roses’ website isn’t bullshitting us, then it is OFFICIAL.  Chinese Democracy is coming out November 23.  The new single, “Chinese Democracy” sounds fucking awesome.  My eardrums are popping massive boners.

Holy Jeebus!  Finally a fair and balanced video of the one person on TV I want to see dead*

*Except the cast from The Hills.  I want them dead, too.