The Moustache Chronicles (Part 1)

Ladies and gentlemen, I am at a crossroads in my life.  I am readying myself to face one of life’s greatest challenges.  It is not my upcoming wedding.  It is not my recovery from drugs and alcohol.  No, this is much bigger than that.

I am at the moustache crossroads.

A few years ago, I wrote a small piece called “A Brief Introduction to the Moustache.”  Let me start you off with this.  Read it, and think about it.  I know I have.

A BRIEF INTRODUCTION TO THE MOUSTACHE

The moustache. What can I say about the moustache? Since the dawn of time, man has chosen to don this hairy growth over his lip. Over the centuries, the moustache has come in all shapes and forms. Through the years, the moustache has evolved. Just as the moustache evolved in appearance, what the facial growth symbolized also evolved.

During the 1930s and 1940s, the moustache became a symbol of the iron-fisted, bloodthirstytyrant and dictator. Think Stalin. Think Hitler. Both donned the moustache, albeit, very different kinds of moustaches, but there is no doubt that much of the fear they struck into the inhabitants of their lands was derived from their ‘stache.

Moustache popularity waned in the 1950s and 1960s. Many upstanding men in America’s culture elected to go for the “clean-shaven” look while sociopaths, including the likes of serial killers and hippies, grew full beards or simply rocked sideburns.

The 1970s saw a new breed of moustache-sporters. More than ever, at least in America, the moustachebecame a symbol of sexuality and masculinity. The real man wore a moustache. The bigger, the better. The Brawny Man had one, and females swooned at the sight of Silver Screen sensations like Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. Male porn stars, most likely taking cue from Selleck and Reynolds, also grew ‘staches, possibly hoping to bolster their image.

 
When the 1980s had come and gone, the moustache entered a new era. Today, understanding the moustache is probably more difficult than it has ever been. In broad terms, today’s average Joe should only rock a moustache if he meets one or more of the following criteria:

He must be a cop.
He must be over 30.
He must have children.
He must be married.

Granted, there certainly are social deviants out there. These individuals certainly roll with the ‘stache as well, but if they don’t meet the aforementioned criteria, they may be one of the following:

He is Hispanic. This kind of guy is not a social deviant in the traditional sense. He is most likely here illegally, but he will mow your lawn and excel at janitorial-related jobs.

He is a child molester. This is where it gets kind of tricky. While this kind of man may meet one or all of the acceptable criteria for donning a moustache, the moustache has indeed become a staple of the molester’s “look.” However, this guy’s mustache is often complimented by several other accessories which may possibly include: a stud earring, a shirt with a wolf, bear or deer on it, a mullet, sandals, sweatpants, big Bill Gates-looking glasses.

The confused adolescent. This culprit will not necessarily have a moustache per se, but a “pre-‘stache.” Also known as the “crustache,” those young men will most likely have tendencies to masturbate incessantly, engage in role playing games and have a pair of their sister’s underwear hidden somewhere in their room. Chances are, these will grow up to be child molesters.

Can you see the complexities associated with the moustache?  When I penned this post a few years ago, it was done in jest.  It was more of a joke than anything.  Do you know what Freud said about jokes?  He said, “There are no jokes.”  Freud insisted that jokes are simply a way to expose unconscious fears and desires.  So was I really just joking about moustaches or was I hinting about something much bigger?  Was I pondering my destiny?

CONTINUED HERE