Meggie, Brandon and I have an ongoing e-mail conversation we have aptly named AWESOME CONVERSATION. The following was not so awesome:
From: Cochran, Megan [mailto:Megan.Cochran@*******.com]
Sent: Tuesday, August 12, 2008 5:09 PM
To: David Garcia; Brandon Carr
Subject: RE: Dinner?So David I must confess. I am leaving you for Michael Phelps. Okay?
-
From: Brandon Carr [mailto:bcarr@********.com]
Sent: Tue 8/12/2008 5:09 PM
To: Cochran, Megan; David Garcia
Subject: RE: Dinner?Yeah, I would do that, too. Eff David.
b
-
From: David Garcia [mailto:dcgarcia@********.com]
Sent: Tue 8/12/2008 5:16 PM
To: Cochran, Megan; Brandon Carr
Subject: RE: Dinner?WHO IS THIS MICHAEL PHELPS TOOL?
-
From: David Garcia [mailto:dcgarcia@********.com]
Sent: Tue 8/12/2008 5:16 PM
To: Cochran, Megan; Brandon Carr
Subject: RE: Dinner?Oh, I see who that tooldick is. He thinks he’s so cool.
-
So I guess Meggie is leaving me for Michael Phelps. Whatever. I only have one thing to say (followed by a lot of other things):
Michael Phelps, you think you are so cool.
I want to invite all of you to really think about this statement. Michael Phelps thinks he is so cool. Why? I don’t know. Put on your deerstalker hat, grab your pipe and magnifying glass, and let’s investigate further.
Michael Phelps swims. Who cares? Humans are land-based animals and should spend their time on dry land where they belong. You know who else swims? Cuban refugees and Nazi U-Boats. So are you an illegal immigrant or…a Nazi war vessel? Or both? I’m calling the INS, you Cuban Jew-hater.
I could swim, if I wanted. I just don’t. I don’t swim because I can walk. I’ll bet you can’t even walk, Mr. Phelps. Okay, maybe you can walk, but can you run? Probably not. I bet I could out-run you any time. Let’s meet at the local track. I want to race you. On land. Are you up for it? Are you up for A LAND RACE?
Oh, you think you’re cool because you have broken like a thousand records. So what, here are some records I hold:
In second grade, I held my breath longer than any other kid in the class. When I was resuscitated, the teacher told me that it was “amazing” I did not incur any “brain damage.” Amazing, Michael Phelps. My teacher called me amazing. I hold my second grade class record for amazingness.
Sometimes when I pee, I play this game called, “See How Far I Can Stand From the Toilet While Urinating.” It’s a pretty sweet game. One evening, I was able to back all the way against the wall in a Ruby Tuesday restroom. I was like eight feet from the urinal. I barely got any pee on the floor, toilet seat and sink. I defy you to try and steal that record from me.
You know what, Michael Phelps? I can’t think of any other records I have, but I am almost certain I have a few more. Maybe if you researched me like I have exhaustively (and admiringly) researched you, you would be able to find out more records held by yours truly.
Eff you, Michael Phelps. I’ll see you on the race track, you racist.
- David C. Garcia