Michael Phelps, Are You Hiding (from the LAND RACE)?
So, word seems to have gotten out to everyone I know about my challenge to LAND RACE Michael Phelps. Go ahead and catch up:
Michael Phelps, You Think You Are So Cool
For some reason, they think Michael “The Merman” Phelps is going to somehow annihilate me in said LAND RACE.
Mental preparation is equally important as physical preparation for the LAND RACE, so the other day, I was doing some mental calisthenics by playing The Sims: Castaway on my PSP and watching Countdown with Keith Olberman. In my comfy pants. Meggie walked in and asked why I was being such a lazy bitch. I politely informed Meggie that I was training and that just because Michael “I Don’t Even Know What Dry Land Is” Phelps gives her a million girl boners doesn’t mean that she has to rub her lust for him in my face. I told her that when the LAND RACE was done, she would see who the real man is.*
Word has also spread around my office about the LAND RACE. If you read the comments on my last posts, you will see that almost every person has made some sort of comment suggesting that Michael “I Swim Around Like a Little Goldfish” Phelps would utterly destroy me in a LAND RACE. I don’t get it. I work with educated people — people with college degrees and a fair amount of cynicism. These are supposed to be my allies. Nonetheless, these are the people who are suggesting that Phelps, who would be nothing more than a streamlined sponge on land, would be able to run faster than me.
My best friend, Brandon, has even taken Michael “How Do I Keep My Hair Looking So Good in that Swimmer’s Cap” Phelps’ side. I have repeatedly called Brandon “fag,” hoping to break his spirit, but he continues to insist Michael “Oh I Had to Bring My Mommy to the Olympics with Me” Phelps would leave me in a cloud of dust in a LAND RACE. **
So, if it is so obvious that Michael “I Think I Am So Cool Because I Have the Lung Capacity of a Whale” Phelps would beat me in a LAND RACE, why has he not responded? My personal assistant, Jess Glass, specifically posed my challenge to Phelps via his “Ask Michael” section on his website.
Every time I bring this up, someone has to say something smart like, “Oh, he’s busy winning a million gold medals,” or “He’s redefining what it is to be an Olympian,” or “He’s in China swimming and finding the cure for AIDS — at the same time.” Ridiculous. I have been equally, if not more busy, than Michael “The Land Virgin”*** Phelps. Not only do I work at a full time job, but (as previously noted), I train daily and have time to self-promote.
Michael Phelps. I am calling you out once more. I, David C. Garcia, challenge you, Michael “Don’t I look So Good In this Speedo” Phelps to a LAND RACE. I know you live in Maryland. I’m just a stone’s throw (or a coral’s throw, in your case) down the road. LAND RACE. Fredericksburg, VA. Be there, Michael, or are you too Chicken (Of the Sea)?
——
* Obviously, the real man would be me because I will win the LAND RACE, not Michael Phelps. Just wanted to clear that up.
** There will be no dust to leave me in. The race will take place on the landiest of land: concrete.
*** Meaning he is a virgin to land, not that he is someone on land who is a virgin.
Matt Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 7:07 am
I think you could win. I’ve seen how hard you break a mental sweat playing things like The Sims.
David C. Garcia Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 7:16 am
Thank you! Thank you, Matt. That’s what I’ve been saying.
Jess Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 7:17 am
When are those Nolympics over? When he gets back to the states, ol’ web-toed Phelps has a hot date with destiny.
David C. Garcia Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 7:36 am
Hell yeah! Eff M. Phelps. He’s chickening out. I just know it.
Robyn Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 9:32 am
I believe in you, Dave. Even if I’m not one those “educated” employees of yours. Don’t forget to stretch before and after the race.
David C. Garcia Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 10:09 am
Thanks, Robyn. That means a lot.
Matt Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 11:39 am
And by stretch, she means eat some potato chips and smoke a cigarette.
David C. Garcia Said,
August 21, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
Of course, Matt. The cigarettes and potato chips are the actual physical prep.
Comic Mom Said,
August 22, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
I must amend my question from your previous post because now I see that Jess is your “personal” assistant. I’m wondering: 1. Is Jess a male or female assistant; and 2. What personal things does Jess assist you in doing? I can hardly wait until I read the answer. My imagination is working overtime here.
I have never seen you play The Sims but I have seen you play Mario Kart. Michael Phelps is in serious trouble, to my way of thinking.
CM
David C. Garcia Said,
August 23, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
CM:
Jess is female. She pretty much does what any personal assistant does — bring me coffee, takes calls, carries out assasination missions for me. The usual. Since Jess is part Cuban, she is also predisposed to enjoying such tasks as doing yardwork and housecleaning.
And, I am so happy you see that my videogame prowess is an excellent indication that I will destroy Phelps in a LAND RACE.
Jess Said,
August 26, 2008 @ 9:02 am
HA! I just read these last two comments. Wonderful. iViva la Revolución!
David C. Garcia Said,
August 26, 2008 @ 10:12 am
Jess:
AYYYYY-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA! (fires six-shooters into the air)
Anna Two Said,
September 8, 2008 @ 11:35 am
so, i know you’re probably like totally done with your Phelps challenge since you’re all married now and stuff, but just to let you know, he accepted the bet of Braylon Edwards, NFL mediocre star, who said he’d score more TDs this season than Phelps would win medals. Plus, Phelps is sporting a Southern Highway in the accompanying photo…
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Braylon-Edwards-vs-Michael-Phelps-Who-ya-got-?urn=nfl,106027
David C. Garcia » It’s On, Nasonex Bee Said,
April 7, 2009 @ 12:35 pm
[...] been this intense since Meggie started fawning over that overstretched amphibious tool, Michael Phelps (I’m still waiting for the LAND RACE, you pothead!). There’s a new [...]
David C. Garcia » The Neck Beard: Badassamine Enhancer Said,
May 4, 2009 @ 10:18 am
[...] For some of us, though, facial hair is an excellent way to ensure that our “bods” (badass word) are packed with enough badassamine to get us through our laborious day of burrito-eating and listening to women talk about their feelings. I can’t imagine going through the day sans the badassamine like that sniveling pussy Michael Phelps. [...]