The following was co-written by Brandon J. Carr and David C. Garcia. To understand what’s going on, read The Nature of Nature: Part One and The Nature of Nature: Part Two.

Example 4:
More on the subject of meat eaters. Have you ever heard of someone who eats just meat getting sick? Of course not. Proud men such as Macho Man Randy Savage, whose diet consists of Slim Jims and punching, never get sick, never get injured and will likely never die. As tasty as you may think vegetables are, they were never meant for consumption. Have we not learned anything from the Hippiesaurs? When Popeye first promoted spinach as being the man-maker that it is, a little piece of Nature died. Spinach was initially invented by Nature for the purpose of making ropes with which to hang imbeciles and whips to lash at hipsters. For decades, Nature held a grudge against Popeye. Hoping that the “eating spinach is cool” trend would eventually pass, Nature finally caved in 2006 and tainted every batch of the vegetable with E. Coli. While the death and illness associated with the tainted spinach pleased Nature, it was obvious that the human tendency towards lameness overrode any fear of death. So in 2007, Nature struck again, this time infecting the mushy vegetable with Salmonella. While not as theatrical as an asteroid, it seems Nature’s spoiling of vegetables seems to have been kind of effective in eliminating some of humanity’s less awesome. Just recently a new Salmonella outbreak was linked to tomatoes. Much like spinach was designed for purposes of violence, so were tomatoes. Designed to fit in the palm of one’s hand, the tomato was invented by Nature to be thrown at things that are displeasing (bad actors, people with incorrect opinions, Jehovah’s Witnesses). Tomatoes are a device of retaliation, much like a bullet. Perplexed as to why lesser humans would eat weapons like tomatoes and not bullets, Salmonella seemed to be the right way to go again.

Example 5:
The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were roughly the size of buses. More like school buses than charter buses. But not the smaller ones or the new-fangled ones that don’t look like they have engines. Old school…school…buses. Nature hates school buses. No, wait. Bugs.

The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were VERY LARGE. These bugs were intended for collecting pollen from some plants (ambush shields) on their filthy, hairy bodies and smearing it all over other plants to make them get bigger and more plentiful. But at some point, these creatures started eating the plants they were intended to be the pimps for. This was planned. The wily insects started chomping down all at once. Without meat, their bodies began to shrink and they got faster. Nature attempted to swat them, but most were too small and fast to get caught or smooshed. This scared Nature and still does. Insects are only allowed to survive because Nature is afraid of them.

So what have we all learned from this? What more do we know about Nature? Aside from the fact that Nature is a fan of meat, pina coladas and the accuracy of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, we’ve probably learned nothing. Unless Nature just loses its mind again and heaves another space bouler at Earth, humans will continue to rave, eat vegetables and be smartasses. It’s sad but it’s true. The most dynamic of all animal species is still plagued with idiocy and lameness that can only be taken care of with an extinction level event. Oh well.