The following was co-written by Brandon J. Carr and David C. Garcia.  What it lacks in accuracy it makes up for in awesomeness.

Any biologist worth his weight in sodium chloride subscribes to Darwin’s theory of evolution and its basic tenet of survival of the fittest.  If these simple ideas don’t ring a bell, then you, my friend, should stop reading as you are unfit.  With any luck you are sterile and will not be able to pass on your seed.

Anyhoo…

A few hundred million years ago (maybe billions, you never know), Nature invented the all-governing principle of “survival of the fittest” in an effort to keep living things that suck from reproducing and creating an overpopulation of pure suck.  Over the millenia, Nature’s rule for maintaining some semblance of coolness has itself evolved.  Much like ancient gods, Nature was once vengeful and very hands-on in its wrath.  Nature was also fond of pina coladas and getting caught in the rain that it, itself, created.

For a majority of the scientifically documented Age of the Dinosaurs, every single dinosaur was a carnivore.  Contrary to what you may have read in school (or the “learning factory”), the world was not comprised of a mish-mash of herbivores and carnivores.  Believe it or do, dinosaurs like the brachiosaur were actually bloodthirsty, meat-eating machines whose necks were not elongated so they could reach the tops of trees.  In fact, their graceful, water-slide-like necks were a useful resource for capturing and chomping down on high-flying pterosaurs.  True story.  Like all good things, however, an end had to come. One day a group of Hippiesaurs (Hippiesaurus retardus) decided to go vegetarian.  This pissed Nature off to no end.  Nature had adorned the earth with lush greenery not for their purpose of eating but for the purpose of providing excellent hiding spots for hungry meat-eaters to lie in wait for their next meal.  This, of course, is where the word “ambush” comes from.  Angered at the prospect of a planet full of ungrateful plant-eaters, Nature hurled a giant asteroid at the Earth, effectively ending millions of years of blood-soaked awesomeness.  Nature had deemed the dinosaurs unfit to survive and had done what needed to be done to put an end to it.

As a side note, there are several alternate theories about dinosaur extinction.  These theories involve mammals eating dinosaur eggs, supernovas causing lethal radiation doses, and methane levels causing changes to the atmosphere.  The most likely of the alternate theories (which are wrong) is that one dinosaur became a zombie dinosaur.  You might watch Dawn Of The Dead and think zombies are shambling, avoidable, pitiful creatures.  But those weren’t zombie effing TYRANNOSAURUS REXES.  One zombiesaurus begat another and so on.  It’s the perfect theory because it’s awesome and hard to disprove aside from the fact that it never, ever happened.

The eradication of the dinosaurs led to some pretty serious reflection for Nature and it was ultimately decided that heaving a giant rock at the planet, while awesome, was maybe a bit much.  Nature decided to kind of step back for a while after this.  After repopulating the earth with a variety of furry animals of ranging sizes, appetites and intellects, Nature stepped back, deciding the best thing to do would be to let the planets’ inhabitants decide which would be best to survive.  This lead to the type of evolution we are all familiar with.

After incinerating the dinosaurs, Nature tolerated an array of ridiculous animals - most of which were furry and “cute.”  Undoubtedly, these creatures will meet their ends, being passively phased out through the drawn-out process of natural selection.  However, Nature did not take into consideration one particular species: humans.  Granted, humans are generally annoying and stupid (and fat, for the most part), but a handful of these creatures have perpetuated our species, allowing us to overcome some of the roadblocks Nature’s plan has put into place.  However, certain evidence seems to indicate Nature may be breaking some of its newer ways in favor of older, more proactive methods in dealing with human beings.

CONTINUED HERE!