Imagine, if you will, that your television line-up was the meats section at your local grocery store - A huge smorgasbord of high, medium and low-end animal flesh.  Please note, I decided to use the meat analogy for television because like meat, TV rules.  I am going to reserve the vegetarian analogy for something that doesn’t rule: work, bills, other people’s opinions.

So, as you stroll through the fine assortment of meats, you will notice the Grade-A Prime Angus Beef of television - shows like Dexter, Californication, and The Sopranos.  These are the high-end shows.  You need to pay a little extra to see them, but that few extra dollars, if you can spare them, is totally worth it.  Then there are boneless chicken breasts.  Excellent food that almost everyone will enjoy, shows like Lost and Grey’s Anatomy fall into this category.  Some people don’t really care for chicken, but generally your typical audience will gobble these shows right up.  As you peruse the meat, you find ground turkey meat.  It’s cheap, it’s easy, and generally speaking, it will almost always taste good.  Shows like Friends, Frasier and Scrubs fall into this category.  Then you have the assorted deli meats.  This is reality TV.  With an assortment of different deli meats for every taste, reality TV is usually over-processed, packed with fillers and made of sub-standard meat.  It’s what you watch when you need something quick and don’t have time to cook steak, chicken or even ground turkey.  While you may think you have sophisticated tastes, chances are you have eaten your fair share of deli meat when you are in a pinch.  Last night I watched a new reality show that can’t even be considered cheap bologna…

I Love Moneyis VH1’s newest reality TV/game show, and if it were featured in our meat metaphor, it would be scrapple.  If you are not familiar with scrapple, it is the left-over meat products that aren’t even good enough to be packed into pet food.  Hot dogs and bologna are made out of organs and bones and meat trimmings and are already a cut above scrapple.  Chew on that. 

America could not get enough simian-like imbeciles and attention-seeking whores from The Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love with Brett Michaels, so VH1 took the most memorable oafs from these shows and decided to pit them all against each other.  Why?  The idiot who can actually sync up all 10 of his or her brain cells and surpass the others’ “skills” will win a whopping $250,000.  Some of the “stars” of I Love Money include “Midget Mac,” a drunk, black midget with kung-fu skills, horrible speech and a whole lot of attitude.  Then there’s “Rodeo,” a forty-something, bleach blonde country girl with a BBQ sauce company and a heart of gold.  And let’s not forget about “The Entertainer” of I Love New York fame.  An obvious native of Jersey, The Entertainer is an early-thirties nut job who lives in his parents’ basement and has a predilection for sucking on black ladies’ toes. 

And they are the “smarter ones.”  Well, I actually do think a genuinely intelligent guy with a really perverse sense of humor was able to get onto the show: “Mr. Boston.”

“Mr. Boston” appeared on I Love New York, and was this dweeby, pasty white guy who seemed to really piss off every other dude on the show who was vying for the love of the STD-ridden show’s namesake.  I honestly think the reason he pissed every other nimrod off on the show was because their primitive instincts could pick up that he was smarter than them.  It’s like when a primatologist goes and lives with the gorillas and is immediately made the subject of aggression by the stronger apes because they can tell something superior about the primatolgist poses a threat.  On the pre-I Love Moneyshow, all the contestants were introduced and followed around as they did their day-do-day things.  Mr. Boston’s antics were so over the top and ridiculous, but I could sense an air of intelligence to the man.  I honestly think Mr. Boston is somehow putting up a complete façade.  While some of the other contestants on I Love Money may be exaggerating their personas, they are ultimately still morons.  I don’t think this is the case with Mr. Boston.

Either way, I Love Moneyis a guilty pleasure.  I guess I like scrapple.  Watching I Love Money is like being a spectator at the Special Olympics of Reality TV.  As much as you want to find some sort of redeeming quality in these people, it’s almost impossible to overlook the fact that they are really just a bunch of barely-functioning retards doing tricks.   Just like there is no hiding the word “crap” in scrapple, I Love Money is an apt title truly relaying what these imbeciles really love.

 I cannot wait to see how this show pans out.  The only thing I am worried about is these idiots reproducing.  Sex is one of the most basic human drives, and I have a feeling these contestants may end up giving into their natural instincts to make more dumbasses while in between ridiculous challenges.