Thank you for shopping with AT&T. Your iPhone 3G order has been received. An email will be sent when your iPhone 3G order is shipped.
Yep, I bought an iPhone. Actually, I bought two - one for me and one for Meggie. I am sure I will eventually have tangible evidence of this phone, but for right now, it is being pieced together by machines and underpaid little Chinese women (which, I have heard are just as quick and as effective as machines). Hurry up ladies and get my damn phone to the AT&T warehouse!
As is standard practice, I initially made all sorts of negative comments about how unnecessary and ridiculously overpriced the iPhone was when Brandon got it. And as is standard practice, I eventually caved and got the same contraption I have been crapping on. I have no soul, no morals and no convictions. I only have the desire to be a consumer. It’s great to be an American!
The other day, I was thinking to myself, “You know what would be cool? A HD first-person shooter that doesn’t take itself too seriously.”
It was like my wishes came true.
If Jeff Spicoli had been involved with Call of Duty 4, it would have been named Battlefield: Bad Company. Bad Company is an absolutely action-packed/hilarious game. The premise is this: You are part of an army team made up of America’s least honorable. You and everyone in your unit violated some sort of military law, and instead of being court-martialed, you and your team are tasked with carrying out some of the most dangerous missions. You know how one of the selling points of the Grand Theft Auto series is the ability to run around and wreck shop without ever thinking about the mission at hand? Well, the same rule applies to this game. In between life-like combat missions, your character can run around blowing anything up. Anything. After annihilating a rogue squadron of Russians, for example, I decided to test out my rocket launcher - on an outhouse. Other shooter-based games wouldn’t even have an outhouse for you blow up. On top of that, the dialogue between characters is hilarious. One of the ongoing conversations in the game is whether or not Truckasaurus Rex can beat a Russian tank in a fight.
Despite being a movie chock full of messages (something I typically frown on), WALL-E was fantastic. At it’s heart, it was just a good old fashioned robot love story. Normally, I am a bit reluctant to see animated movies because I’m jaded and cynical and may even lack a soul. WALL-E, however, struck a particular nerve, and I was actually very moved throughout the film. I wonder if the movie was made more with adults in mind. It just seemed to be more of an adult movie than a kid movie. On a 5-star scale, I give WALL-E five stars.
Chris, it was awesome seeing you. I wish you could have stayed longer, but I know you needed to get back to chef school. Hope to see you on Iron Chef soon. Ba-dow!
My brother, Christopher Patrick Garcia. He gave up making Iraqi insurgent Flambé for making Quail Flambé:
As I have previously noted, I am of an extremely obsessive mindset. Typically, if I become interested in something, whether it is a music album, a show or a compelling topic of some sort, I will devote unparalleled time and resources to it until I have had my fill. This personality feature is in itself probably worth hours of therapy, so I’ll not go further into it.
My recent obsession has been reading about aliens, UFOs and the debatable existence of human and alien interaction. A lot of the material I have read is fascinating while other content is downright hilarious (check out www.stopabductions.com). However, the concept of extraterrestrial contact strikes a particular nerve with me, bringing about some creepy nostalgia.
When I was a kid, probably eight or nine years old, I was not afraid of the Boogeyman. What I was afraid of were aliens - specifically what ufologists refer to as “greys” or Zeta Reticulians. They are the generic looking, big-headed, humanoid aliens that have become widespread in western pop culture. I already realize how insane this post is beginning to sound, so let me just say this:
I am writing about a childhood fear, not anything paranormal.
I remember exactly how it started. On a typical sunny day in Tucson, AZ, I was watching television. During the commercial break for one of the shows, a popular Time-Life commercial for Time-Life’s Mysteries of the Unknown book series came on. I was actually able to find a copy of this video on YouTube:
Those very first images of the sketchbook-drawn aliens are what started it all. Combined with the creepy music in the commercial, little David found what totally creeped him out. I think it took a while for those alien images to gestate in me. At that age, my crazy little mind had already begun to manifest some obsessive tendencies, and after I while, I developed a full-blown paranoia of aliens. Eventually, I became convinced that aliens did exist, and my paranoia literally grew into the stuff that nightmares are made of. Around this time, my mom or my dad was reading a book called Communion, a New York Times bestseller about an alien abduction. The book’s cover featured the head of one of the greys on it, and I would occasionally torture myself by looking at it.
I am not sure if I told my parents about the horror I was experiencing. I do remember I spent a lot of time thinking about aliens, and at night, those fears became even worse. At that age, I still believed in God, and at night I would pray to God, asking that He make sure that aliens don’t come and get me. One night, alien abductions were a featured theme on Unsolved Mysteries. Much like I would torture myself looking at the eerie face of the alien on the cover of Communion, I forced myself to watch the episode. I don’t remember anything about the episode, but I remember it scared the hell out of me. Sometime after watching the show is when I expressed my dread of aliens to my parents. My parents made sure I didn’t watch that show any more. Even so, when the show came on, I would be able to hear the theme song from my room, and it would send my brain into a tailspin of dreadful thoughts of alien visitation.
It got so bad that I would go to bed every night worried that this was the night the aliens would come for me. The waking horror story that I had slowly constructed became more and more complex and I can recall developing a routine that can only be described as OCD-like. At night, I would crawl into bed. I would make sure that the light was left on in my room. Then I would ask God to keep the aliens away from me before turning on my radio and listening to the calming music on classical music AM channel. I would turn my back to the window because for some reason, I felt like the aliens would be more prone to visit me if they saw me looking out at the sky. And the cherry on the OCD sundae: I would tuck every part of my body under the covers. My fear was that if I did not, aliens who came to visit me would somehow manipulate any exposed limbs and turn them into alien limbs.
Yeah, I think I had the makings of little crazy when I was a child.
Somehow my fear of aliens eventually cooled from a raging hell storm into a milder smoldering delusion. Even when I was a teenager, I would occasionally freak myself out that aliens were coming to get me. I saw Fire in the Sky when I was 15 or 16, and I had trouble sleeping that night. To this day, if I am in bed at night, I will change channels if there is a special on Discovery or The Science Channel about aliens.
Now, I’m off to do some more research on those pesky humanoids.
You know what is more annoying than Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton labeling almost every facet of American culture as racist? Nothing. However, insane parents completely detached from reality who jump on multi-media as the cause of their bad parenting comes in at a close second.
Apparently, a new game called Frat Party Games: Beer Pong is coming out for the Wii sometime next month. It’s going to be rated “T” for players aged 13 or older. The name says it all. It will give players the opportunity to engage in a virtual replica of a classic drinking game where a triangle of cups, halfway filled with beer are arranged at two ends to the table. The players take turns tossing a ping-pong ball into their opponent’s glasses. If they make it, their opponent has to drink the beer.
When it comes to Nintendo Wii, you can find shooting games, sports games, but drinking games?
As it turns out, a new game coming out later this month for the popular gaming system is called “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong”. Using a “Wii-mote,” the game simulates the real drinking game, but it’s been approved for kids as young as 13-years-old.
The game has some people concerned and Carrie Haugan one of them. A mother of two from Brandon, she doesn’t like the idea of a “beer pong” video game especially since it’s rated suitable for ages 13 and up. She said, ”We don’t need to teach kids to drink, you know, get ready for drinking games. They’ll start drinking earlier maybe.”
The game apparently simulates beer pong. Also called beirut, beer pong is a popular drinking game played by college students and at various bars. To play, cups filled with beer are put on opposite sides of a table and each team tries to throw a pingpong ball into a cup. Once the ball lands in that cup the the opposite team has to chug the cup of beer.
The Entertainment Software Rating Board rates video games, like “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong.” They gave it a “T” rating, which means teens can purchase and play the game. The board saw no ties to promoting alcohol within the game. Instead, they say players are just tossing balls in a cup. At the same time, game creator JV Games says their version doesn’t promote drinking, but they’re going to change the name to “Pong Toss.”
Still, parents like Carrie Haugan don’t buy it. She said, “Well, they know it’s a drinking game. It’ll encourage drinking.”
The game is set to be released at end-month. It will be sold in stores across the country.
I understand that parents want to shield their kids from the dangers of the world, but I am really tired of these lunatic moms and dads who seem to think that a video game is going to make their kids do something crazy. When I was a kid, I played so much Mortal Kombat. At the time, conservative America was freaking out, fearful that their little kid was going to go out and exact some sort of freakish violence inspired by the videogame. Not once did I contemplate going out and massacring my enemies with dangerous martial-arts and lethal finishing moves. I knew that was wrong, so I waited until I was 21.
If your kid is going to drink, he or she is going to drink. The bartender Moe from The Simpsons is going to be just as influential in this “to drink or not to drink” quandary as a videogame - and even that sort of multi-media influence on your kid’s decision to drink is unlikely. And if you really are worried about your kid playing this game, then don’t buy it for him, you dolt. “But what if my kid’s friends have this game?” Well, maybe try and get to know your kids friends. Or, you can accept that your kid is going to do some pretty wild things, like play a videogame, when you are not around. Ultimately, it is your responsibility to try and teach your kids. This however does not ensure they will do everything you say. Sorry to say this, ma’am, but whether your or not your little girl plays “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong” is irrelevant. She is going to end up chugging beers and having sex with hormone crazed guys when she gets to college.
Stop flipping out over videogames. It’s your responsibility as a parent to inspire your kid, not the videogame console’s responsibility. I may even get this game, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
Imagine, if you will, that your television line-up was the meats section at your local grocery store - A huge smorgasbord of high, medium and low-end animal flesh. Please note, I decided to use the meat analogy for television because like meat, TV rules. I am going to reserve the vegetarian analogy for something that doesn’t rule: work, bills, other people’s opinions.
So, as you stroll through the fine assortment of meats, you will notice the Grade-A Prime Angus Beef of television - shows like Dexter, Californication, and The Sopranos. These are the high-end shows. You need to pay a little extra to see them, but that few extra dollars, if you can spare them, is totally worth it. Then there are boneless chicken breasts. Excellent food that almost everyone will enjoy, shows like Lost and Grey’s Anatomy fall into this category. Some people don’t really care for chicken, but generally your typical audience will gobble these shows right up. As you peruse the meat, you find ground turkey meat. It’s cheap, it’s easy, and generally speaking, it will almost always taste good. Shows like Friends, Frasier and Scrubs fall into this category. Then you have the assorted deli meats. This is reality TV. With an assortment of different deli meats for every taste, reality TV is usually over-processed, packed with fillers and made of sub-standard meat. It’s what you watch when you need something quick and don’t have time to cook steak, chicken or even ground turkey. While you may think you have sophisticated tastes, chances are you have eaten your fair share of deli meat when you are in a pinch. Last night I watched a new reality show that can’t even be considered cheap bologna…
I Love Moneyis VH1’s newest reality TV/game show, and if it were featured in our meat metaphor, it would be scrapple. If you are not familiar with scrapple, it is the left-over meat products that aren’t even good enough to be packed into pet food. Hot dogs and bologna are made out of organs and bones and meat trimmings and are already a cut above scrapple. Chew on that.
America could not get enough simian-like imbeciles and attention-seeking whores from The Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love with Brett Michaels, so VH1 took the most memorable oafs from these shows and decided to pit them all against each other. Why? The idiot who can actually sync up all 10 of his or her brain cells and surpass the others’ “skills” will win a whopping $250,000. Some of the “stars” of I Love Money include “Midget Mac,” a drunk, black midget with kung-fu skills, horrible speech and a whole lot of attitude. Then there’s “Rodeo,” a forty-something, bleach blonde country girl with a BBQ sauce company and a heart of gold. And let’s not forget about “The Entertainer” of I Love New York fame. An obvious native of Jersey, The Entertainer is an early-thirties nut job who lives in his parents’ basement and has a predilection for sucking on black ladies’ toes.
And they are the “smarter ones.” Well, I actually do think a genuinely intelligent guy with a really perverse sense of humor was able to get onto the show: “Mr. Boston.”
“Mr. Boston” appeared on I Love New York, and was this dweeby, pasty white guy who seemed to really piss off every other dude on the show who was vying for the love of the STD-ridden show’s namesake. I honestly think the reason he pissed every other nimrod off on the show was because their primitive instincts could pick up that he was smarter than them. It’s like when a primatologist goes and lives with the gorillas and is immediately made the subject of aggression by the stronger apes because they can tell something superior about the primatolgist poses a threat. On the pre-I Love Moneyshow, all the contestants were introduced and followed around as they did their day-do-day things. Mr. Boston’s antics were so over the top and ridiculous, but I could sense an air of intelligence to the man. I honestly think Mr. Boston is somehow putting up a complete façade. While some of the other contestants on I Love Money may be exaggerating their personas, they are ultimately still morons. I don’t think this is the case with Mr. Boston.
Either way, I Love Moneyis a guilty pleasure. I guess I like scrapple. Watching I Love Money is like being a spectator at the Special Olympics of Reality TV. As much as you want to find some sort of redeeming quality in these people, it’s almost impossible to overlook the fact that they are really just a bunch of barely-functioning retards doing tricks. Just like there is no hiding the word “crap” in scrapple, I Love Money is an apt title truly relaying what these imbeciles really love.
I cannot wait to see how this show pans out. The only thing I am worried about is these idiots reproducing. Sex is one of the most basic human drives, and I have a feeling these contestants may end up giving into their natural instincts to make more dumbasses while in between ridiculous challenges.
I live in the same building that houses my office. There is a limited amount of parking for both employees and tenants. Often, employees and tenants have to park on the street. It sucks, but that’s just something I have to accept. One thing I don’t have to accept is non-tenants and non-employees parking in the parking lot. The fact that random people parking their jalopies in my parking lot reduces the amount of parking spots for people who legitimately need to be in this building only sort of irritates me. What really irks me is that there are five or six large signs posted in the parking lot that indicate the parking lot is for tenants and employees only. There is a big, two-foot, red and white sign at the very entrance that says PARKING FOR TENNANTS and EMPLOYEES ONLY. UNAUTHORIZED VEHICLES WILL BE TOWED. In the event that you can’t read English or just can’t read, there is a big picture on the sign with a tow truck taking a car away. Maybe I’m just really intuitive, but if I saw a sign like that in a parking lot I did not belong in, I would probably refrain from parking there. Unfortunately, these signs don’t deter the idiots visiting the buildings on both sides of the office from parking there. I used to have these cars towed, but the turnaround time for a tow truck is about 30 minutes. Usually the cars are gone by then, and I am left unsatisfied that I was unable to exact some sort of moral lesson on the cretins who could not obey simple rules. I’m going to see how much it costs to purchase a forklift.
Let me preface this by saying that my sense of humor is very dark and often adolescent at best. I often make light of the more macabre things in life. It has nothing to do with me being a heartless jerk. I am just of the belief that anything and everything should be the subject of humor. If I spent my life grieving over all the horrid things in our world, I would be a very sad person. That being said, please do not read any further if you are easily offended. Seriously.
A couple of days ago, a a local Chinese food restaurant deliveryman and his delivery car came up missing.
The two suspects in the violent abduction of a food deliveryman in Fredericksburg on Thursday night were arrested yesterday at a Wal-Mart in Franklin in southeastern Virginia.
Jermaine Montgomery, 34, and his girlfriend, 36-year-old Marcey White, are charged with being the persons responsible for the brutal ambush of Yong Hui Zhang.
The two were taken into custody without incident by two state police special agents, an FBI agent and sheriff’s deputies from Southampton County.
They had used a credit card belonging to Zhang to make purchases at the Wal-Mart and went back into the store to buy more when they were arrested, said Fredericksburg police spokeswoman Natatia Bledsoe
Zhang, 24, was making a delivery for his parents’ China Express restaurant when he was attacked behind a vacant apartment at 202 Charles St. and abducted.
A large amount of Zhang’s blood and one of his shoes were found at the scene; Zhang and his vehicle were still missing as of last night. If Zhang is still alive, he would have to be severely injured, police said.
–
UPDATE:
What is believed to be the body of Yong Hui Zhang, the food delivery man abducted Friday night, has been found in Sussex County, about 110 miles south of Fredericksburg where he was ambushed.
It was found by State Police agents, who had arrested Jermaine Montgomery and Marcie White and charged them with his abduction hours earlier at a Wal-Mart in Franklin, a city in southeastern Virginia.
Zhang’s missing 2004 Nissan Sentra was also located in Sussex, but it was not with the remains, said Natatia Bledsoe, city police spokeswoman.
A third subject was in the Wal-Mart when they were arrested. There are no charges against that person at this time.
The cause of death for Zhang has not yet been determined.
Investigators are still on the scene gathering evidence and the case is ongoing. Details regarding additional charges against the suspects will likely not be available until Monday morning due to the focus on evidence collection at multiple crime scenes.
“We are deeply saddened by this tragic turn of events,” said Fredericksburg Chief David Nye. “Our hearts go out to the Zhang family for their terrible loss.”
–Dick Hammerstrom, The Free Lance-Star (1:25 a.m.)
So when I read the terrible news this morning, I sent my friend Brandon a text message letting him know about the news.
David: Chinese food guy is dead.
Brandon:It was a wonton act of violence. Get it?
David: HI-OOOO!!
Brandon: I’m glad the cops didn’t egg drop the ball on this one.
Brandon: It’s good they decided to spring roll into action.
David: It’s sad he’s dead, but I’m glad they found the killers. It’s sweet and sour.
Yep, I bought an iPhone. Actually, I bought two - one for me and one for Meggie. I am sure I will eventually have tangible evidence of this phone, but for right now, it is being pieced together by machines and underpaid little Chinese women (which, I have heard are just as quick and as effective as machines). Hurry up ladies and get my damn phone to the AT&T warehouse! 
