You like things, right?  I’m sure you do. We all like things.  I’m not a gambling man, but I would stake my entire three-figure bank account on the fact that you probably like a few things.  That’s right, not just one thing but one thing plus more than one thing.  A few things.  For instance, I am sure you like popcorn.  Everyone likes popcorn.  Not liking popcorn is un-American, and when you start being un-American, the terrorists win.  What about movies?  You like movies, right?  Sure you do.  But what if you could have both things you like - in this case popcorn and movies - AT THE SAME TIME?!  I know, preposterous, right.  But just imagine if you could have a big bag of popcorn while you watched something really good like Drumline?  Badass, right?  Yeah it is. 

I can’t remember any time where I have been able to have two things I like at the same time.  I am sure you can’t either.  Well, prepare for a new era of awesome.  While I am sure you are all very aware of my blog and Brandon’s blog, you have never been able to experience the creative tsunami of both at the same time.  Until now.

That’s right, David C. Garcia is popcorn and Brandon J. Carr is Drumline, and you can now have both at the same time.  Gentlemen, please refrain from dry-humping the ladies currently sliding off the chairs next to you.

Starting next Monday, my esteemed colleague, Brandon, and I will unleash upon you a ground-breaking new blog that takes our respective creativity and almost unhealthy obsession for the absurd and blends it into a refreshing beverage.  By the way, in this analogy, you drink the beverage.  You put Brandon and I inside of you.

Stay tuned.

Today I saw something that just blew my mind.  Meggie and I were just leaving the building after getting our marriage license issued.  As we strolled out, a young kid, late teens or early 20s, walked by us.  He was one of those kids who apparently is “radical” and/or “too cool for school.”  He was pasty white and had disheveled hair that let me know this kid doesn’t care (in the cool way).  He had about 25 metal things in his face, and he walked with a strut that told me he wasn’t going to be bothered by “fascist” mom and dad’s pleas that he get a job, even though they pay his rent.  What really horrified me about this kid, who I am sure is named Theodore but goes by the name “Viper” is that he was sporting an Ed Gein shirt.

Really?  Ed Gein?  The mass murdering homosexual with a love/hate complex for his mother?  Ed Gein, who murdered numerous innocent women and decided to wear their skin as clothes.  Granted, Gein did enjoy baby-sitting (seriosuly, look it up), but he also enjoyed fashioning socks out of flesh and using skulls as cups.  Gross, just gross.  Why would you wear something like that, “Viper?”

Maybe you should have picked a different shirt.  Ed Gein does not say “attitude.”  It’s not cool.  It’s perverse and an an indication that you don’t know about how horrible this sociopath was.

Now, if you wore a Ted Bundy shirt.  That’s cool.  Ted Bundy was a ladies man, Viper.

- David C. Garcia

I just finished reading Michael Ian Black’s new (and first) book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face.  Wow.  It is absolutely hilarious.  Here’s the insert description:

Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consciousness like a red-hot branding iron? Without question.

Comedian and basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black unleashes the full fury of his astonishing intellect in this collection of short comic essays. My Custom Van is a no-holds-barred assault to the funny bone that will literally beat you into submission with hilarity*.

How did he do it? How did he create such a fine anthology? Answer: With love. Michael opened his heart and used the magical power of love to write more than fifty thought-provoking essays like, “Why I Used a Day-GloMagic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow,” and “An Open Letter to the Hair Stylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade.”

Maybe you think love is not a substitute for “good writing skills” and “spell check.” Bull pucky! When it comes to writing books, love is the most powerful word processor of all.

Sounds pretty great, right? And yet…something is still holding you back from paying the full purchase price of this book. What is it? Perhaps you secretly believe you do not deserve a book this good. Nonsense — you deserve this book and so much more. In fact, if Michael could have written you all the stars in the sky, that’s what he would have done. But he couldn’t do that, due to his lack of knowledge in the area of astronomy. So he wrote this book instead.

And this flap copy.

Enjoy.

* Michael Ian Black is not responsible for any actual injuries caused by reading this book.

As I read this book, I found myself getting more and more jealous.  If I had half of the “funny” Michael Ian Black has, I would be half as funny as he is.  After offering a forward to his book by Abraham Lincoln, MIB offers up his first essay, “What I Would Be Thinking if I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew there was Going to be a Piano.”  Then there are 49 mostly side-splitting essays.  A handful of the essays didn’t really do it for me, but they were definitely outweighed by the majority of the hilarity contained in the book

I do wonder if Michael Ian Black has been reading my blog.  I had gone ahead and titled one of my posts “Ozsome.”  He goes ahead and uses the same word in his book.  Damnit.  I should have trademarked that word.

Let me preface this by saying that I am almost indifferent to who becomes the next president.  On election day, my decision may be made by the flip of a coin.  Not kidding.  Nevertheless, I pay a fair amount of attention to the election coverage.  I listen to the left and right-wing political pundits bash each other for liking their respective candidates.

Here’s one thing I am confused about:

What is the big deal everyone is making about Barrack Obama sitting down for a good ol’ fashioned chat with Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or North Korea’s Kim Jong-il?  Seriously, that is not a slanted question in favor of Obama.  It’s not a rhetorical question.  Despite my limited knowledge of politics, I don’t see how this is necessarily such a bad thing.

Is it a symbolic thing?  Is it viewed as fraternizing with the enemy?  It’s not like he’s sitting down for a cup of tea with Osama.  These are leaders of recognized nations.  Hostile nations?  Absolutely.  But they are nations nonetheless.

Can someone offer me some insight into this?

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been such a mean guy if someone sat down with him.  You know shot the breeze.  Gave him a hug.  Tickled his moustache.

Just saying.

The following was co-written by Brandon J. Carr and David C. Garcia. To understand what’s going on, read The Nature of Nature: Part One and The Nature of Nature: Part Two.

Example 4:
More on the subject of meat eaters. Have you ever heard of someone who eats just meat getting sick? Of course not. Proud men such as Macho Man Randy Savage, whose diet consists of Slim Jims and punching, never get sick, never get injured and will likely never die. As tasty as you may think vegetables are, they were never meant for consumption. Have we not learned anything from the Hippiesaurs? When Popeye first promoted spinach as being the man-maker that it is, a little piece of Nature died. Spinach was initially invented by Nature for the purpose of making ropes with which to hang imbeciles and whips to lash at hipsters. For decades, Nature held a grudge against Popeye. Hoping that the “eating spinach is cool” trend would eventually pass, Nature finally caved in 2006 and tainted every batch of the vegetable with E. Coli. While the death and illness associated with the tainted spinach pleased Nature, it was obvious that the human tendency towards lameness overrode any fear of death. So in 2007, Nature struck again, this time infecting the mushy vegetable with Salmonella. While not as theatrical as an asteroid, it seems Nature’s spoiling of vegetables seems to have been kind of effective in eliminating some of humanity’s less awesome. Just recently a new Salmonella outbreak was linked to tomatoes. Much like spinach was designed for purposes of violence, so were tomatoes. Designed to fit in the palm of one’s hand, the tomato was invented by Nature to be thrown at things that are displeasing (bad actors, people with incorrect opinions, Jehovah’s Witnesses). Tomatoes are a device of retaliation, much like a bullet. Perplexed as to why lesser humans would eat weapons like tomatoes and not bullets, Salmonella seemed to be the right way to go again.

Example 5:
The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were roughly the size of buses. More like school buses than charter buses. But not the smaller ones or the new-fangled ones that don’t look like they have engines. Old school…school…buses. Nature hates school buses. No, wait. Bugs.

The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were VERY LARGE. These bugs were intended for collecting pollen from some plants (ambush shields) on their filthy, hairy bodies and smearing it all over other plants to make them get bigger and more plentiful. But at some point, these creatures started eating the plants they were intended to be the pimps for. This was planned. The wily insects started chomping down all at once. Without meat, their bodies began to shrink and they got faster. Nature attempted to swat them, but most were too small and fast to get caught or smooshed. This scared Nature and still does. Insects are only allowed to survive because Nature is afraid of them.

So what have we all learned from this? What more do we know about Nature? Aside from the fact that Nature is a fan of meat, pina coladas and the accuracy of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, we’ve probably learned nothing. Unless Nature just loses its mind again and heaves another space bouler at Earth, humans will continue to rave, eat vegetables and be smartasses. It’s sad but it’s true. The most dynamic of all animal species is still plagued with idiocy and lameness that can only be taken care of with an extinction level event. Oh well.

The following was co-written by Brandon J. Carr and David C. Garcia.  To understand what’s going on, read The Nature of Nature: Part One.

Example 1:
It is well documented that a particular group of humans called “ravers” suck.  This is not just an opinion, it is a biological fact.  Ravers tend to enjoy dancing erratically to distinctly annoying noise they refer to as “techno music.”  Often the dancing is enhanced by drugs either crafted chemically or retreived from cow dung.  Much like lesser organisms such as insects are attracted to light, so are ravers.  If the planetary survival playing field was evened, humans would themselves have a hard time making it.  Ravers would not stand a chance, and Nature is fully aware of this.  A recent news release reported on a group of ravers in Moscow who were blinded by lasers at an illegal rave concert.  Apparently, a fair amount of the ravers participating were left 80-percent blind by some of the lasers at the show.  While the ravers in question may survive, they will unlikely ever dance again, and therefore stand little chance at reproducing.  True story.  While one may simply dismiss this as an ironic mishap, more inquisitive minds may find more depth to such a story.  Is Nature perhaps engaging in more tactical operations to actively eliminate certain elements of humanity?  Obviously without any sort intervention, Nature can only be assured that the human species will allow humans such as ravers to continue to exist.  Did Nature tinker with the lasers at this show in an effort to hinder their ability to continue sucking?  Is nature somehow engaged in tactical operations against humanity?  Let’s examine further…

Example 2:
In the early days of evolution, bacteria became fish.  Fish then became amphibious in order to go onto the sand and almost die.  Eventually, life rose up from the oceans and moved further from the shorelines.  This was a smart move.  Water can lead to such annoyances as drowning and soggy sandwiches, making it a fairly natural enemy to what would eventually become man.  But leave it to a certain group of humans to stay too close to the water line.  In recent years, Nature has made its displeasure with this stubborn lot more than evident.  Hurricane Katrina was like an eco-friendly atomic bomb to the Gulf of Mexico, telling the victims of the storm that their time precariously balanced between bayou and big ocean was at an end.  In 2004, an earthquake in the Indian Ocean left approximately 255,000 inconsiderate island dwellers dead in the wake of the tsunami it caused.  The ocean acted as Nature’s purifying spear, reminding humans that water is for fish, surfing dogs, and mermen and that living on an island surrounded by water is like living somewhere else surrounded by something really dangerous.  Like a merry-go-round ringed with razor blades or something.

Example 3:
One of the things Nature truly abhors it is a smartass, and with a human population density now surpassing six billion, the amount of smartasses is increasing exponentially.  During the Age of the Dinosaurs, the Hippiesaurs were themselves smartasses and would often sit around at cafes drinking soy lattes and poking fun at Tyrannosaurs for their minuscule arms.  Millions of years later, the human equivalent of the Hippisaurus smartass still exists.  What particularly interests these cocky breeds is the pestering and exploitation of nature’s golden-children - the pure bloodthirsty animal.  While not well-equipped to think about anything but eating flesh, nature’s predators are equipped to viciously attack.  Some scientists have argued our earth’s predators may be getting more and more ferocious.  Unbeknownst to scientists,  Nature is secretly encouraging earth’s carnivores to kill more and kill harder.  To wit, in 2003 Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy fame was mauled by one of his tigers during a show.  Secret documents would later reveal that during the show, Roy whispered to the tiger, “I am better than you.  I like vegetables.”  You do the math.  And what about the recent tiger attacks at the San Diego Zoo?  Something tells me the smartasses who were attacked would have been left alone had they not waved their opposable thumbs at the tigers and bragged about being bipedal and omnivorous.  Then there is Steve Irwin, a man whose career was founded on taunting nature’s prouder killing machines.  If Steve Irwin had been taunting cows, vegans or ravers (on land, not in water), Nature may not have encouraged that stingray to uppercut Irwin’s heart with its spiky tail.

TO BE CONTINUED!

All the quick-witted old people are dying.  Goodbye Estelle Getty.  You were my favorite Golden Girl. 

The following was co-written by Brandon J. Carr and David C. Garcia.  What it lacks in accuracy it makes up for in awesomeness.

Any biologist worth his weight in sodium chloride subscribes to Darwin’s theory of evolution and its basic tenet of survival of the fittest.  If these simple ideas don’t ring a bell, then you, my friend, should stop reading as you are unfit.  With any luck you are sterile and will not be able to pass on your seed.

Anyhoo…

A few hundred million years ago (maybe billions, you never know), Nature invented the all-governing principle of “survival of the fittest” in an effort to keep living things that suck from reproducing and creating an overpopulation of pure suck.  Over the millenia, Nature’s rule for maintaining some semblance of coolness has itself evolved.  Much like ancient gods, Nature was once vengeful and very hands-on in its wrath.  Nature was also fond of pina coladas and getting caught in the rain that it, itself, created.

For a majority of the scientifically documented Age of the Dinosaurs, every single dinosaur was a carnivore.  Contrary to what you may have read in school (or the “learning factory”), the world was not comprised of a mish-mash of herbivores and carnivores.  Believe it or do, dinosaurs like the brachiosaur were actually bloodthirsty, meat-eating machines whose necks were not elongated so they could reach the tops of trees.  In fact, their graceful, water-slide-like necks were a useful resource for capturing and chomping down on high-flying pterosaurs.  True story.  Like all good things, however, an end had to come. One day a group of Hippiesaurs (Hippiesaurus retardus) decided to go vegetarian.  This pissed Nature off to no end.  Nature had adorned the earth with lush greenery not for their purpose of eating but for the purpose of providing excellent hiding spots for hungry meat-eaters to lie in wait for their next meal.  This, of course, is where the word “ambush” comes from.  Angered at the prospect of a planet full of ungrateful plant-eaters, Nature hurled a giant asteroid at the Earth, effectively ending millions of years of blood-soaked awesomeness.  Nature had deemed the dinosaurs unfit to survive and had done what needed to be done to put an end to it.

As a side note, there are several alternate theories about dinosaur extinction.  These theories involve mammals eating dinosaur eggs, supernovas causing lethal radiation doses, and methane levels causing changes to the atmosphere.  The most likely of the alternate theories (which are wrong) is that one dinosaur became a zombie dinosaur.  You might watch Dawn Of The Dead and think zombies are shambling, avoidable, pitiful creatures.  But those weren’t zombie effing TYRANNOSAURUS REXES.  One zombiesaurus begat another and so on.  It’s the perfect theory because it’s awesome and hard to disprove aside from the fact that it never, ever happened.

The eradication of the dinosaurs led to some pretty serious reflection for Nature and it was ultimately decided that heaving a giant rock at the planet, while awesome, was maybe a bit much.  Nature decided to kind of step back for a while after this.  After repopulating the earth with a variety of furry animals of ranging sizes, appetites and intellects, Nature stepped back, deciding the best thing to do would be to let the planets’ inhabitants decide which would be best to survive.  This lead to the type of evolution we are all familiar with.

After incinerating the dinosaurs, Nature tolerated an array of ridiculous animals - most of which were furry and “cute.”  Undoubtedly, these creatures will meet their ends, being passively phased out through the drawn-out process of natural selection.  However, Nature did not take into consideration one particular species: humans.  Granted, humans are generally annoying and stupid (and fat, for the most part), but a handful of these creatures have perpetuated our species, allowing us to overcome some of the roadblocks Nature’s plan has put into place.  However, certain evidence seems to indicate Nature may be breaking some of its newer ways in favor of older, more proactive methods in dealing with human beings.

CONTINUED HERE!

NO SPOILERS HERE

Just saw The Dark Night.  Everything critics have been saying about the newest rendition of The Joker was true.  Batman’s villain was absolutely terrifying.  Terrifying like Hannibal Lecter.  I did not think I would have said this, but after seeing Heath Ledger’s performance of The Joker, I am very sad that the man is dead.  His portrayal of Batman’s famous foil will likely be more memorable than Nicholson’s.

- David C. Garcia

I generally dislike superhero movies.  Batman Begins and Tim Burton’s Batman have a special place in my heart, though.  I saw Burton’s Batman when I was eight or nine years old, and I LOVED it.  Watching it as an adult is a whole new experience.  There is a lot of depth to the movie, and I look at it more like an actual story than just a *SMACK!* *POW* *ZING!* superhero movie. I sat down and watched TB’s Batman this evening.  Just a few thoughts:

One - Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of The Joker is insane.  While Michael Keaton was great as the Dark Knight, Nicholson’s The Joker stole the show in that movie.  What a horrible lunatic.

Two - I forgot just how awesome Jack Nicholson is in general.  Whether he is playing a whacked out super-villain, an angry Irish mob boss or a neurotic OCD plagued writer, Jack is badass.  I want to be as cool as him.

Three - Vicky Vale screams way too much in that movie.  I found myself wishing Batman had some sort of gadget that could have swiftly removed her vocal chords.

I am seeing the midnight showing of The Dark Knight tomorrow evening.  I have no doubt it will rule.