My Fortress
As any young boy does, I spent a lot of time as a kid building forts. I would build forts out of anything. I would use the blankets and sheets in the house to construct elaborate tents. I built a tree house made from assorted pieces of wood I found laying around the neighborhood, and much to the dismay of my father, from the lumber I ripped from the fence in the backyard. On one occasion, I even decided that I would build a fortress in my own home and proceeded to use one of my mother’s kitchen knives to cut a hole in the wall. Unfortunately, my parents caught me early on, and I was never able to finish this project.
The cool thing about a fort is that it is your own personal lair, hidden away from the rest of the world. It is the place you can safely retreat and not have to worry about the mundane and often irritating goings on of your day. Recently, Meggie and I moved into a new apartment. I asked her to allow me one room as my own personal “dude room.” In exchange, I offered her free reign over the rest of the apartment. Meggie agreed, and I am content to have my own personal space devoid of any “woman’s touch.” Unfortunately, the amount of space I have is limited, Meggie still enters said “dude room” to use the computer, and there is a cat litter box in the corner. Furthermore, sometimes when I retreat to my “dude room” to grow hair in odd places and scratch myself, I can still hear the nettling sounds of The Hills from the living room.
So, it is 20 years since I carved a hole in the wall of my parents’ home, and I still need a fort. For reasons I will not go into, Brandon owes me ten-thousand billion dollars. This is the money I will be using to build my fort. Here are some essential features of my fort - Fort Awesome:
SUBTERRANEAN LOCATION:
I have thought long and hard about this, and I think the best place for my fort to be will be underground. I contemplated building an above ground fort, and while having an enormous and obnoxiously oversized structure that would obstruct the skyline view of all observers has its merits, I don’t want Jehovah’s Witnesses visiting. Also, I’m not a big fan of sunlight, and being underground would be a good place to pale my skin and weaken my eyesight. Yeah, an underground lair is the way to go.
SECURED ENTRANCE WAY:
At first I considered having a “foyer” as the entrance to Fort Awesome. Then I thought about how absolutely un-dude-like a “foyer” is. Therefore, I have decided I will have a “heavily reinforced and guarded security checkpoint.” Much better. Trusting actual people with my well-being and privacy is a bit of a problem, so I don’t really want to employ security guards. Instead, I will station Rowdy in the HRAGSC and have him maul anyone who isn’t welcome. If it is someone I know, and therefore Rowdy knows, they will likely be able to pass with ease. In an effort to keep all things ridiculous out of my fort, I also plan to train Rowdy to sniff out any contraband: shaving razors, opinions, etc. If you are able to pass freely, you can sit down and enjoy the constant stream of Slayer and Pantera I plan to have playing while you wait for me to buzz you in through the electric (powered and enhanced) door.
TV ROOM:
I don’t mean a room designated for my television. I want a room made out of TV screens. The floor, the walls and the ceilings have to be made out of TV screens. Even the chair that I sit in to watch my room will have to be made of TVs. I like to multi-task, so having a variety of shows playing all at once will allow me to maximize my entertainment experience. I will likely go with SONY because I prefer name brand.
PROPER RESTROOM:
Obviously, there won’t be any issues with a toilet seat up/down rule, but in order to spite any ladies who may hear about my fort, there will be no lid to the toilet. There will just be a toilet with a seat securely fastened to it. I plan to have a massive widescreen televison mounted on the wall so that I can sit and watch movies and play video games while I take care of business. There will also be a urinal attached to the wall. It will be modeled after the face of Tyra Banks. Guess where you pee.
A VENUS FLYTRAP ROOM:
I don’t really have a reason for this other than that I just always thought having a room full of Venus Flytraps would be cool. I would hope that the Flytraps would have a craving for human flesh, preferably dentists. I’ll go ahead and have that room set next to the piranha aquarium room and the Tasmanian Devil den.
BADASS KITCHEN:
I’m not sure how this will work yet, but I will have veal and endangered animal steaks freshly butchered and delivered to my fridge on a daily basis. I’m sure I will need to employ some sort of automated system of robots who harvest my meat, but I’ll go ahead and work that out later. I may also want a Chipotle built in the kitchen — again, run by robots. I’ll also need a Diet Coke dispenser and several large canisters of beef jerky. I don’t plan to be washing any dishes, so I will make sure that I have a good supply of non-biodegradable eating utensils and Styrofoam plates.
I’m already excited. My fort is going to rule. I’m sure there are a whole bunch of other features I will be incorporating into my fort, but this will do for now.
Katherine Said,
June 21, 2008 @ 8:14 am
You should copy your kitchen design after the “Man Kitchen” that Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor made on “Home Improvement.” That was awesome.
David C. Garcia Said,
June 21, 2008 @ 9:38 am
Would I still be able to have veal, endangered animals, beef jerky and Diet Coke?
Katherine Said,
June 21, 2008 @ 8:24 pm
Of course!
Nate Said,
June 23, 2008 @ 7:03 am
Here it is:
Nate Said,
June 23, 2008 @ 7:03 am
I mean, here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuJD1-1e-i4
Ryan Said,
June 23, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Don’t forget your stove will require copious and unnecessary amounts of fossil fuels.
David C. Garcia Said,
June 23, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
Ryan, you are a genius. With the amount of money I have, I will probably try and find the most gas-inefficient gas grill out there. Good call, sir. Good call.
Meggie Said,
June 29, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
Sigh
Lisa Shetler Said,
April 18, 2010 @ 9:50 pm
Dear David Garcia,
I think it is a shame you jumped on the bandwagon of those who
believe (or appear to believe) that MIchael Jackson molested children.
This stance is reflected in your remarks made alongside a photo of
Michael presenting a book to a Chinese child at a school (or hospital).
Many people have criticized or mocked Michael in such a fashion
both before and after his passing, reflecting their ignorance regarding
what truly was taking place in his heart and mind. His huge numbers
of fans worldwide staunchly stand in his defense, me being one of
them.
Since we are now in April of 2010 and your remarks were made some time
ago, perhaps, in light of his passing, you have re-thought the matter.
I have heard that both of the boys who originally accused him of
molestation have since come forward as adults and said that the
accusations were lies. In particular, the father of one of the boys
did not like Michael much and seemed to be motivated to collect
money from him.
While I can understand that some people thought it odd and questioned
his practice of having children sleep in the same room and even, at times,
the same bed as he, I really think that his motives were innocent and
that he was simply trying to recapture his own sense of boyhood and
childhood by doting over the children who stayed at Neverland.
The fact that he did this so intently and to somewhat of an extreme,
only underscores the fact that his own feelings and issues about
childhood were based on a strong need to nurture and to be nurtured.
I really think this is at the heart of his motivation.
Therefore, the lesson to be learned is that it is important to really
look at a person, study that person, if possible, from outside in and
from inside out, before assuming that that person has done any
wrong.
The qualities and traits of extreme compassion, eccentricity and
creative introversion should never be misread as perversion.
This is the primary error, and a terrible one, made by those who
wrongly accused Michael Jackson of child molestation.
If possible, please re-send me a copy of my comment for my email
records and thanks very much.
In the future I hope you will put something neutral or kind in your
blogs, photos and writings re Michael.
I rode with a friend to Neverland yesterday and was happy to see
carloads of fans going to the wooden gate still, after all these months.
People continue to go to Los Olivos to offer their condolences, pray,
talk to the guard at the guard shack and take photos of the gate.
Sadly, fans are not allowed anywhere past the now-main gate, the
little wooden gate. But just being there is important to so many.
We drove thru the little Downtown Los Olivos and learned that the
cute country store there was often a shoppingplace for Michael, and
that he would call in advance and have the store closed when he
planned to grocery shop there.
We did not have time to drive the extra 30 plus miles to Santa Maria,
the site of the 2005 trial, I was told. However, etched forever in my heart
is the epxression on Michael’s face (and that of his attorney, friends
and family) on the day he was found not guilty. A happy day indeed,
in spite of the fact that much pain was inflicted on Michael during the
course of the trial.
Many ofhis living places and spaces (Encino, Neverland, the house in
Los Angeles, etc) still are the sites of much fan traffic and fans leaving
flowers, cards etc. His burial site in Glendale California also remains
very busy, and this is a comfort to all who loved him.
His spirit was so strong in this life that I have little doubt he remains
loving and strong in the afterlife. He was that sort of person, a lovely
being who made an impression on all who knew him or even got to
meet him briefly. Thanks for printing my letter,
Sincerely,
Lisa Shetler, lisashetler@yahoo.com
David C. Garcia Said,
April 19, 2010 @ 5:50 pm
Wow…
You’re right. During the past year, I have changed. You’re right. That was wrong of me to say that about Michael. He would never do anything to hurt those children.
That’s why he lubed up before sticking his dick in them.
Now that the King of Pop’s dead, the world’s a safer place for kids.
David C. Garcia » A Story About Sperm and Writing Said,
April 26, 2010 @ 6:48 pm
[...] Pissed off a Michael Jackson fan (see my reply). Lisa Shetler was actually referring to this post [...]