Creepy Celebrity Sex Tapes You’ll Never See

The standard viewer of pornography is male while the standard tabloid reader is female.  So what is the compromise?  Celebrity sex tapes.  Supposedly, there have been sex tapes back as far as Marilyn Monroe, but ever since the Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson sex tape, celebrity homemade porn has been all the rage.  Since then, America has been able to download the sexual home videos of every other retarded celebrity out there.  Other infamous celebrity sex tapes that “accidentally” leaked to the public because they were “stolen” include the Paris Hilton sex tape, the Kim Kardashian sex tape and the Colin Ferrell sex tape.

But then, this happened (not explicit, just weird):

Holy crap!  Vern Troyer (Mini Me) has a sex tape.  Gross?  Absolutely.  Enticing?  Definitely.  With absolutely no sexual motivation, my deviant curiosity wants me to see this movie.  It has got to be hilarious.  I think the background music would have to be Danny Elfman’s score to Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Unfortunately, Vern Troyer filed a $20 million lawsuit against the prospective distributor of the sex tape, saying he never authorized the release of the tape.  *cough*bullshit*cough*  It was obviously a ploy on Mini Me’s part to get some money and, more importantly, some buzz.  Seriously, does he really think anyone would believe this?  Who would break into that little guy’s house?  Unless the burglar wanted to procure some really tiny dishes and furniture or thought Troyer was a Leprechaun and had a pit of gold, nobody would break into the little rascal’s home — especially just to get a tape of him doinking someone 10 times as big as him.  Ultimately, a cease and desist order was court-mandated, and distribution of the video was barred.

So, I guess we’ll never see Vern Troyer’s sex tape.  It’s a shame, because unlike that other coked-out celebutard garbage, that would have been a celerity sex tape worth watching.  So, in the spirit of Vern Troyer’s sex tape, I give you “Creepy Celebrity Sex Tapes You’ll Never See”:

1. The Wilford Brimley Sex Tape

2. The William Hung Sex Tape

3. The Gilbert Gottfried Sex Tape (thanks Brandon)

4. The Magic Johnson Sex Tape

5. The Michael Jackson Sex Tape