Brandon was recently criticized for being a little more cynical than me in his posts. Honestly, I may actually be more cynical and jaded than Brandon, so here goes:
Take off the stupid Bluetooth!
These little devices made their way to every other creep’s ears a few years ago. I wasn’t really aware of their existence at that time as I hadn’t cashed in my Coke Rewards points and secured my free subscription to Wired magazine. Every once in a while, I would be walking around, and I would hear some lunatic talking to himself, occasionally cutting himself off in mid sentence when his crazy brain interrupted him. Then I would be driving around, and I would see some dude just moving his mouth – not like he was mouthing the lyrics to his favorite Maroon 5 song – like he was talking to himself.
I was terrified. Had the world gone mad? Had the terrorists spiked our tap water with some sort of mind-control agent that turned people into chatty zombies? I wasn’t sure.
Then I found out…
Every once in a while, society presents itself with the newest and hippest fashion accessory/status symbol. While initially an exclusive item, usually reserved for the self-important upper crust of society, these devices eventually become cheap and accessible. All of a sudden, every douchebag dons the new item, hoping that maybe he will be accepted into the ranks of society’s most righteous. Meet the wearer of the Bluetooth.
I am fully aware that these annoying little gadgets have some use. I guess. Here are some people that can actually reap the benefits of the Bluetooth without making me pray to God to strike them down with lightning:
Racecar drivers: These guys’ jobs revolve around keeping their hands on the steering wheel and their eyes on the road. They need to make that their priority. Dale Earnhart’s crash probably occurred when someone called him as he was taking a turn, and instead of keeping both hands on the wheel, he picked up the phone. The Bluetooth could have saved his life.
Rambo: Rambo likes to hold guns in both hands or at least guns that require both hands. He doesn’t like to hold a phone in his right hand and leave the heavenly touch of the .50 caliber jeep-mounted machine gun to his left hand only. Rambo, you need a Bluetooth.
Thalidomide babies: Getting the phone to your ear is probably difficult if you don’t have arms. Thalidomide babies can use Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) without seeming self-absorbed. On that note, if dinosaurs were still alive, Tyrannosaurs could too. That would actually rule. T-Rex with a Bluetooth. Attacking some city filled with people wearing Bluetooths. Eating their faces. I guess one can always dream.
I can’t really think of anyone else who should be allowed to use Bluetooths. Racecar drivers, Rambo and Thalidomide babies (and T-Rex). That’s it. Nobody else. If you have a Bluetooth, get rid of it. You are not that important. Burn that extra calorie or two and lift up that heavy cell phone and hold it to your ear you pretentious, fat jerk.
Yeah, when did you become the nice guy in our dynamic? I used to say things like “Man, rainbows are like God laying on his back and smiling…” and you’d go off about how they’re just refraction in water droplets and then use a lot of profanity to make me cry. Or something.
If Rambo became a race car driver, could he have a Bluetooth receiver in both ears?
b
I’ve always been “the nice one.” Always. Remember that time when I was trying to help that old lady cross the street and you laughed at her for being old and then stole her dentures?
And yes, Rambo driving a racecar (or riding a T-Rex) could wear as many Bluetooths as he could latch onto his face.
I wonder what a T-Rex steak grilled up would taste like. I really want to eat some steak. I’m hungry. I bet T-Rex probably tastes a lot like a really big gator. Like that big gator that ate people in that SciFi movie that I can’t think of the name of.
I’ve never eaten a gator steak, either, but I bet it tastes a lot like T-Rex.
1) If Rambo became a race car driver, could he have a Bluetooth receiver in both ears?
- yes, Rambo would need one for the info from his pit crew, and one for the Pentagon to be able to give him direct orders. wait…he’s Rambo. John Rambo takes orders from no man…so…perhaps the second for personal calls?
2) Like that big gator that ate people in that SciFi movie that I can’t think of the name of.
- lake placid, and it’s an alligator.
You guys are weird.
i bet really big gator tastes like a really big chicken, or a rabbit, or frog legs
Everything tastes like chicken, mom. Except chicken. Chicken tastes like frog legs.
I own a bluetooth but have never worn it. The only time I could ever see myself using this is in silly states who don’t allow you to hold a phone and drive. I mean, what right will they take away next? Free Speech? Meanwhile, the bluetooth I got free with my phone is sitting in my junk drawer with its battery drained. Serves it right for being such an annoying invention.
PS – I have two accidents in the last two years directly related to not paying attention to the road while trying to answer my cell phone. Huzzah.
Matt,
The honorable thing to do would be to climb the tallest mountain you can find, set the Bluetooth on fire and toss it off. If no mountains are readily available, a garbage disposal is also a good place for that Bluetooth.