Brandon approached me this morning as I was sitting (with good posture) at my desk.  Sulking and bitter, he proceeded to explain that he is a bit frustrated at the comments we are getting on our respective blog posts.  Everyone who reads my blogs tends to dish out well-deserved praise to me, whereas Brandon’s readership tends to spew the most vile hatred at his posts.

Now, I don’t want this to become a trend.  Brandon is sad and has likely crawled into some dark corner clutching himself in his own comforting embrace.  However!  Better him than me, right?  If constant praise of me has to come at his expense, so be it.

In an effort to ensure that I am not missing out on any of this well deserved adoration, I have compiled a list of some things that I can do:

Walk:  I can walk.  Upright.  That’s right, friends.  When I have to go places, I put my shoes on (on the right feet) and I stroll (what we in “walking” circles use to describe cool and casual walking) to a desired location.  I very rarely trip.

Run: Not for the inexperienced walker.  When I want to walk really fast, I do something called “run.”  It’s like walking, but way quicker.

Talk: I can do this, too.  I know at least 1000 words, and I organize them into complete sentences (impressed?) to convey thoughts and ideas.

Read: I know you have all heard that I can do this.  It’s true.  Reading is like the opposite of talking.  It’s basically looking at someone else’s words and complete sentences and making sense of them.  I have done this a whole bunch of times.  Sometimes pictures make things that I read way neater!

Use simple tools:  Did you know I can actually interpret my surroundings and manipulate them to the best of my capabilities to make life easier?  For instance, one time I was really hungry for some chewy granola bars.  Despite my towering stature, there was no way I could actually reach these soft treats that were perched high up on the topmost shelf of the kitchen cabinets.  Through trial and error, I was able to secure a sturdy chair and use it to give me that winning edge and secure the prized treat.

Stay in the lines: When I want to shine artistically, I grab my deluxe pack of Crayola crayons and use them to fill in the borders of pre-drawn images in my Sponge Bob Squarepants coloring book.  I’ve done this like a billion times.

Clean my room: I put all my stuff away and make my bed.

There you go, folks.  I can do all of that stuff and probably like a million other things.  I just can’t think of them right now.  I’ll keep you updated on all the other things I can do. 

As for Brandon – Dude, I’m sure you can do at least a few of those things.  Don’t get mad when people say mean things to you.

UPDATE:  The People have spoken!  This post has received rave reviews.  It is true!  I am awesome.  I give myself a gold star!