Coworker finished his anecdote earlier. His girlfriend was in a bar. Stupid friends. Bad ending.

He’s a funny guy, and during the course of the past eight months, I have realized I can let a bit more of my past come to light. Illegal past? No. Morally reprehensible? Absolutely. Funny? Indeed. PG stuff. PG-13 even. I’ve been reserved for some time in the workplace. Believe it or not.

Fuck it. On the elevator as we leave work for the day, I sincerely allow a little gem from back in the day.

Yadda-yadda-yadda “I was 26 and drinking too much.” Yadda-yadda-yadda. “Met imbecile girl in a bar.” Yadda-yadda-yadda “Of course, almost any girl who frequents a bar is a dolt who is one to three drinks shy of spreading her legs.”  Yadda-yadda-yadda. “Except my wife who I met in a bar.”

Yadda-yadda-yadda.

Yadda-yadda-yadda.

Yadda-yadda-yadda.

Don’t do it, David.

“Girl went home with me.” Yadda-yadda-yadda. “Drank some more with me.” Yadda-yadda-yadda.

All right. Time to back off.

“Told her she was cool.” Yadda-yadda-yadda. “Hook, line, sinker…Like I said, moron…College girl…21.”

NOOOOOOOOO!

“Gave me a beej.”

ENOUGH! YOU CAN STILL TURN BACK!

“Ejaculated in her mouth.”

Ugh. Point of no return.

“Girl too drunk and not prepared. Girl Choked. Girl coughed. Semen came out of her nose.”

LOLOLOLOL!!….LOL?

No reply.

He looked at me in disgust.  Too much info? Damn. Need a time machine.

Fortunately, none of that discourse actually saw the light of day. Until right now, that has been a little tale of nasal annihilation reserved exclusively for close friends.

I guess it’s out in the open now. Really, though, that’s almost irrelevant. I am sure if I had actually regaled Coworker with that gem from days yonder he would have LOLOLOLOL’d. Nevertheless, that piece of honesty, among others, has been pressing against the already fragile shield–that filter that keeps all the absurdity in my head from spilling out all over the place while I’m on a conference call or chatting with otherwise decent people. That little filter has stretched thin. Like Kirstie Alley, it’s reached critical mass, and one of these days, it’s going to split, letting all my gooey, not-so-profound idiocy out.

It’s because I haven’t come back here for a while. I haven’t done any writing in a while, unless you count Twitter or text messaging.

I love writing. Love it. And I haven’t done it in a while. And I feel backed up mentally. I usually don’t write anything groundbreaking here. For the most part it’s a soapbox for my ramblings–a place where I can craft the illusion–at least for myself–that people care what I think. At the end of the day, though, it’s a place where I can write. And I need to. I have a book collecting dust that needs my attention. I have another book in my brain that needs to come out. And I need this blog to shoot me back there. I need to make some of you laugh. I need to make some of you ask, “What is this idiot doing here?” I need to jerk my brain off to let some of this backed-up nonsense out–even if it’s just for a brief moment of satisfaction.

Unbelievably, I have received a fair amount of emails asking where I’ve been, when I’m going to post again and what happened to TSAT (It’s dead, people).

So, I am promising myself and the tens of my readers out there that I am back to write. At least once a week–more if I get a little too obsessed–I will put something here. As always, it won’t be groundbreaking, but it will be from me.

And, I am sure my legion of adoring readers will likely wonder what I have been up to for the past almost year.

Here’s the breakdown:

Met the best thing I ever created.

Continued to fall in love with my beautiful wife over and over again.

Realized this is what happens to me if I forget to take my medicine for one day:

Stopped working for a company with great people but run by Mormons with shitty business sense, no decency and a list of corrupt clients.

Began working for a great company with great people, great bosses with great business sense who support a great list of clients

Got an iPhone, finally rendering it cool and not douchey

Proudly saw my brother become a professional chef

Pissed off a Michael Jackson fan (see my reply). Lisa Shetler was actually referring to this post

Realized that my most popular post here is about the Room Store lady (See some of these people’s comments. You people are pervs. Post about this coming soon)

Celebrated three years of sobriety

Stopped liking Kieth Olberman

Continued to like Rachel Maddow

Began liking Bill O’Reilly again

Continued to hope Michael Moore chokes on one of his chins

Viewed entirely too much online porn

Ran McAffee Virus scan more often than most people

Briefly considered converting to Islam

Decided I don’t wear underwear and enjoy bathing, so quickly decided against converting to Islam

Considered Scientology but realized I am too scared of aliens

Considered returning to Catholicism and then considered returning my sacraments because athiesm is just easier

Decided this guy is one of the funniest tweeters of all time

Learned Dee Tremendous took me off his links, became sad (seriously)

I think that’s it. As I was defatassing on the elliptical earlier, I thought of a million cool things I’ve done. Unfortunately, I can’t remember. Maybe I need Aricept.

Peace out, bizznatches!

-David

I will update soon.

I swear.

Your mom.

- David C. Garcia, slacker

Listen you inpatient bastards, I haven’t updated in over a week because I am all busy with my new adorable poop/scream/fart machine and a new job.

I have a lot of stuff to update, so bear with me and I promise to resume with the funny/badassery.  Don’t take me off of your freakin’ blogroll or else…

This is me (I’m pretty sure that’s a boy):

-David C. Garcia, something something witty…

A few years ago, I was chatting with Rev. Brandon J. Carr, and I mentioned something using the word “origin.”  I probably said something like, “The origin of my badassery is kept secret because of the implications it would have on society and all that we perceive as ‘cool’ and ‘awesome.”  Or something.

“Wait, what did you say?”

“What?”

“How did you say ‘origin’?”

Motherfucker questioning my grammar.  Normally I’d cap a bitch with crazy, silly wit, but I entertained Brandon’s stupid question.

“O-ri-gin,” I said with confidence.

“You mean ‘OR-GIN’?”

“No, stupid.  O-RI-GIN.  It’s pronounced how it’s spelled.  What are you, some sort of retarded…um…retard?”

After a long, heated argument involving repeated use of the words “idiot,” “dolt,” “dick-wrangler” and “cracker” I finally conceded defeat.

I had been using “origin” incorrectly.  Like all the time.  And I say “origin” a lot.

This raised a few questions:

One–How come nobody else ever called me on that?  Was it because people were being nice/didn’t want me to call them a “dick-wrangler?”  Two–How many times had I said “O-RI-GIN” when I was trying to sound all smart?  Three–Why put a fucking “i” in “origin” if I’m not supposed to use it?  That’s so dumb.  And why sound out the “i” when you say “original?”  This shit is way confusing.

It’s standard protocol for me to obsess on things, so the aforementioned questions quickly dissolved, and I began to look at this whole “origin” thing as part of a larger conspiracy.  Against me.  Because I’m not nuts.  And people and things really are out to get me.

Where am I going with this?  I’ll tell you.

It’s my parents’ fault.  They did this to me.

They taught me the word “O-RI-GIN.”  And they did it knowing full well that I would go through life sounding like a complete jackhole.

What the fuck, mom and dad?!

(To be continued…)

Next to Faith No More, Alice In Chains is one of my favorite bands ever.  Aside from the few songs on their Nothing Safe: Best of the Box album, these guys haven’t put out new music since 1995’s self-titled Alice In Chains album.

Then Layne Staley died, and I figured AIC would never again be.

Fortunately, I was wrong.  With the addition of their new vocalist, William DuVall, AIC is back!

The new video was just released.  Matt Murphy just brought it to my attention, and I’m super-pumped.  In the event that the video is taken down from MySpace because of the boobs content, do yourself a favor and go to the band’s website, www.aliceinchains.com to check out “A Looking In View,” AIC’s first single from their forthcoming album, Black Gives Way To Blue

A Looking In View - Music Video

- David C. Garcia, AIC superfan

RELATED: WHAT HAPPENED TO MUSIC PART 2 - DIRT -  ALICE IN CHAINS

Jon Lajoie is HILARIOUS:

At some point in the next week, I’ll really write something.  For now, here is some more YouTube Funny.  I’ve decided that Reckless Tortuga is my new favorite comedy troupe.

Again, I’m too lazy to do anything else but post videos.  But, I promise all the videos will be funny.

…Because I’m too tired to post anything today and because I forgot all about ghost ridin’ whips…

Born 1:51 PM (June 30, 2009)

And the obligatory Toxie cameo

-David C. Garcia, dad